Collected by Sharenator
This is my favorite 4chan meme. I’ve spent half of my boring day in the office looking for the best rage threads and made this collection. I’d love to credit authors but most of them seem to be… anonymous. I found some of these on 4chan, some on sites like digg, some on google (and it wasn’t easy to find something with unknown number of F’s and U’s in the file name), etc. These are the best of them in one place. Enjoy!
Source: imgur.com Author: Anonymous
Written by Jason Arango
After seeing Reader Digest‘s recent list of 13 things your pizza guy won’t tell you, it only seemed fitting to start reflecting on my high school days as a pizza delivery driver. Even though pretty much everything in the article was dead on, I felt like they missed some of the big picture lessons you acquire while motoring around in a 1987 Toyota Corolla passing out pies to an extremely odd cross section of strangers. Nothing brings people from all economic classes together quite like the magic of having pizza delivered to your front door. So, from suburban villas to dilapidated trailers, here are 8 pieces of wisdom I gained from delivering pizza while in high school.
1) Getting customers their pizza as quickly as possible is rarely a priority.
Even though your job is specifically to deliver customers their pizza as quickly as possible, the reality is, they’re the ones that are in a hurry, not you. Obviously the sooner you get there the better chance you have of getting a healthy tip, but if you can take two or three orders in one go, that will always trump one prompt delivery. Add to that the fact that many stores are often understaffed during off hours and there’s a good chance the next time you’re sitting at home wondering “what is taking this pizza so long?” the answer is you’re unlucky enough to be the last of the three customers being serviced on the same trip.
2) Some people are incapable of being embarrassed.
Shame exists for a reason. It’s the instinct that tells us to put on pants before leaving the house even if we’re only going out to check the mail, and it’s a trait you typically just expect most people to have. Unfortunately, the more you find yourself knocking on someone’s door the more you realize some people just don’t care what you see them doing. Seeing people sans pants, draped in bath robes, or looking like they’d just been double teamed by a couple of burly truckers is considerably more common than anyone would ever care to imagine. It’s almost like people placed an order and then forgot someone was coming over.
3) Stoners are usually more generous people than the wealthy.
The wealthy didn’t make it to the top by just giving money away. Fortunately, there’s a whole different breed of laid back people who’ve cultivated a habit of passing things around. More often than not it seemed like the best tips would come from some shady looking dude who’d just hand over a bunch of crumpled up bills and give an enthusiastic, “thanks a lot man,” before telling you to go ahead and keep the change. When you’d finally get the money organized enough to give it a quick count, it would turn out you’d just scored a $12 tip on a $23 order. Compare this to the house one neighborhood over with a Mercedes in the driveway that graciously gave you $45 on their order of $43.85.
4) People who are hungry can be real assholes.
Accidents happen and orders get mixed up. Sometimes they’re worse than others, but at the end of the day it’s still just a freakin’ pizza. Nevertheless, some people simply cannot cope with things not going their way. I’d usually chalk it up to hunger, and that’s the only reason for not just making this lesson a blanket statement that “people can be real assholes.” Still, hungry or not, there is no reason to go yelling at someone who had minimal involvement with your order in the first place just because you requested mushrooms on half the pizza and ended up getting them on the entire thing. It’s too bad someone screwed up, but if you aren’t willing to deal with it and discuss your options moving forward then you’re pretty much just acting like a total dick.
5) There are two types of employees: students and lifers.
This is pretty much true of any low-paying job. The staff was comprised of about 50% high school students and 50% “career” employees, and the latter group might as well have tattooed a pizza wheel on their arm with cursive text reading “slicing is life.” For myself, and the other high school students, it was a decent job where you could drive around listening to music and score the occasional $12 tip from a pothead with questionable math skills. For the others, it seemed to be a somber reminder that things hadn’t quite turned out they way they’d intended. Needless to say the two groups really didn’t mix.
6) After 1:00 am, trailer parks can be a terrifying place.
There are plenty of trailer parks you might question setting foot in during daylight hours, but after about 1:00 am you become convinced you’re going to end up being some strange taxidermy project for a family right out of The Hills Have Eyes. This might have to do with certain class stereotypes, but more likely it has everything to do with the fact that many trailer parks have absolutely zero lighting and tend to include “roads” that loop awkwardly through a maze of mobile homes. Combine the innate fear of the dark with the vulnerability of not knowing where you are, and this is a situation that’s better just being avoided altogether.
7) Female employees in male dominated jobs are essentially deemed
Much like the student versus lifer distinction, the premise of “default hot” holds true for other jobs as well. I’m guessing every pizza place has at least one female employee who is considerably more attractive than all the others. She might not actually be that good looking, but it doesn’t matter. If you had a job where you only got paid in pennies, finding a quarter would be like winning the lottery. It’s all relative. And, because this one female has the dubious honor of being deemed “default hot” by every male employee at the store (most likely including the creepy store manager who has a daughter the same age) she is rewarded with what could easily be considered non-stop sexual harassment.
8) Pizza is not a substitute for a babysitter.
This lesson is pretty self-explanatory, but the number of kids who had been left with nothing but a pre-signed check from their parents is absolutely appalling. I’m all for giving your kids a nice long leash and teaching them to be responsible, but leaving them home alone and then telling them to call a stranger to come stop by seems like some pretty sketchy parenting. It’s one thing to leave an 8- or 9-year-old alone while you run to the store, but if you decide it’s time for a little sans-child date night you might want to shell out some money for a legit sitter and just go with DiGiorno instead. I hear it’s basically like delivery anyway.
Image via Flickr: cygnus921
Written by Julian
As they say, never email anything you wouldn’t want on the front page of the newspapers. So if you’re considering using your work email to send military secrets, a character assassination or even an erotic proposition, then think again – the end result could cost you your job, as well as your dignity. These chumps learnt the hard way.
“Yours was yum…”
When is a compliment not a compliment? Perhaps the following might qualify – back in 2000 Claire Swire, an employee of a large internet provider, found herself involved with a less than scrupulous lawyer. One day whilst at work he sent her a joke concerning male bodily fluid (yes, that kind). Claire immediately replied:
“I hadn’t swallowed in years but yours was yum and very good for me too! Apparently it’s a very good conditioner for your hair too…getting a funny picture in my head…”
Ego swollen, he impulsively forwarded the reply to all his friends to show off what a stallion he was in the sack. But compliment quickly turned to embarrassment when one of his friends replied stating he felt “honour bound” to forward it on further. Soon the couple became the laughing stock of the office and the internet, although in the end they both managed to escape with their jobs (just).
Schoolgirls and military secrets don’t mix.
Giving away what you like to get up to in the bedroom is one thing – but when it comes to emails that shouldn’t have ever been sent, national security is a whole different league. In 2000, schoolgirl Claire McDonald began receiving emails from the Pentagon containing top-secret military information. Her address had been accidentally added to a group list by a navy commander. Even Claire was laughing when, in a cruel twist of irony, one message offered advice on how to prevent secrets from being leaked on the internet. Why bother hacking when the Pentagon can do the work for you?
‘Reply to All’ claims another victim.
When school Principal Patrick Hazlewood received a complaint from a local pensioner about his pupils misbehaving, his immediate reaction was to email his colleague with his true feelings: “Tell her to get stuffed”. Alas, he hit ‘Reply to All’ by mistake and his remark found its way to the entire staff address book and parents’ association. The school was later forced to offer an apology.
Racism isn’t funny, even over email.
Early 2006: the phrase ‘credit crunch’ had not yet made its way into our daily lives, the US housing bubble was in full swing, and Gordon Brown sat licking his lips at the prospect of becoming the next British Prime Minister. What could possibly go wrong? Well aside from the recession… an email sent by a junior official in the UK entitled “Advantage of being Chinese”. Not only did the sender expose himself as a racist when he encouraged recipients to “try pulling the corners of your eyes as if you were Chinese”, but also as a moron when he copied it to his press list, containing 83 national newspaper journalists and columnists. Woops. One chuckling journalist even replied: “Will we be invited to your leaving party?”
“I can’t believe I was such an ass.”
Sports commentators are no strangers to embarrassing gaffes. In 2002 the BBC radio 5 hired well-known commentators Andy Gray and Jonathan Pearce to help cover the upcoming soccer World Cup in South Korea and Japan. The executive editor of BBC Sports News, Graeme Reid-Davies, decided to email a colleague with his own two-cents, declaring “I think they’re both crap.” Unfortunately, Graeme had not quite mastered the concept of the ‘Reply to All’ button yet, and before he knew it had sent his comment to over 500 BBC sports staff – including the new signings, Gray and Pearce. When asked about the incident Graeme did however show he could turn his scathing criticism against himself, stating: “I can’t believe I was such an ass.”
A little less time posing Bill, and a little more time deleting incriminating emails.
In 1998 Bill Gates showed that even experienced IT professionals are not immune from being caught out by the email. Whilst defending Microsoft against charges brought by the US Justice department, Gates continually denied everything, saying ‘I don’t recall’ so many times that even the presiding judge had to chuckle. Unfortunately for the software mogul, a thorough examination of his email later confirmed that not only had he been aware of, but had actively participated in attempts to establish an illegal monopoly. Had the man who brought Microsoft Outlook to the masses really thought the police wouldn’t check his inbox? Microsoft were later ordered to share their technology and settled out of court.
Lucy Gao’s email invite was forwarded all over the world.
On her 21st birthday Lucy Gao, a worker for Citigroup in London, organized a bash at the world-famous Ritz Hotel. Little did she know her email invite would go down in internet history as one of the greatest email blunders of all time. Included were instructions on how to deal with door staff, what to wear, what to say, how to look your best and a staggered schedule of guest arrival times. Helpful hints included:
“it goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry”, and “if you experience any issues… my PA Ms. Gill will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm” (believed to be university friend Sanampreet Gill).
Hours later Lucy’s email was doing the rounds of investment banks around the world as she become the subject of global ridicule. Citigroup launched an investigation but later declared that Ms. Gao had done nothing wrong and her employment remained “unaffected” – unlike her reputation.
“Old horse fat?” Patrick’s poposition goes down well in the office.
At 9.38 on the 30th July 2003 a high-flying lawyer, Patrick Smith, received an email from a colleague inviting him for drinks later that day. Unfortunately for him, Patrick had evidently been away the day they covered ‘keep it simple stupid’ at nursery school. Where a simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed, Patrick chose to reply with the following:
“Dude, ‘Carol’ [not her real name] wants some of that double penetration action, so let me know when you and the old horse fat are around.”
For ‘old horse fat’ read ‘penis’ and ‘double penetration’… well, you get the idea. Unfortunately for Patrick, it seems he was also away the day they learned how to use email. It’s hard to imagine how he felt when he realized he’d hit ‘Reply to All’. As one blogger pointed out, his secret remained a secret for all of ten seconds – just enough time for his colleagues to stop laughing and hit the forward button, and in the end Patrick lost his job, his dignity and any chance of getting laid that night. Hmmm, there’s a lesson to be learned there.
Bonus: Disney Princes Deconstructed
Written by Chris Lesinski
Months after the initial announcement, today, it becomes official: Yahoo has shut down GeoCities — one of the original kings of free web hosting services.
Now, all of those GeoCities websites (excuse me, “Web Sites”) are coming down. It’s got me more tear-jerkingly nostalgic than Where The Wild Things Are.
No doubt, GeoCities started a revolution, but many of its ways have gone by the wayside. While Yahoo deploys the virtual demolition crews, let’s make one last toast to a few of the relics they’ll leave in the rubble.
1) Under Construction GIFs
It’s absurd to think that putting up an “under construction” sign on a web page was at one point an idea that was (pardon the pun) “ground breaking.”
Why did people make such a big deal out of being “under construction” in the 90s? It’s not necessarily something you want to attract attention to. “Hey! See this fancy animated GIF? That’s just a preview of how impressive my site will be when it’s done.”
Sadly, putting up 37 under construction animations is definitely as impressive as your Family Matters fan page ever got. (Except for when you added the auto-playing MIDI version of the intro song. That was awesome.)
And why the civil engineering motif? Are you trying to tell me that a self-taught HTML geek is like a construction worker? I hope not. Making a website is about the furthest you can get from hard manual labor.
See the other six retro things we’ll miss after the jump…
The fall of GeoCities certainly won’t be the end of HTML, but those homespun sites definitely hearken back to when HTML was the
hottest sh*t around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What you are seeing above is the “marquee tag” in action. Yes, there are actually specific tags in HTML for a scrolling marquee or blinking text. For those unfamiliar with basic computer programming, let me explain that: HTML makes it harder to add a hyperlink than to make text scroll horizontally across the page. That’s where priorities were in the Netscape days.
Ah, the guestbook. It was basically the first incarnation of “comments” –- a place to put your name down and provide some feedback. Only, back then, people hadn’t quite perfected the espousing of snark and unbridled-racism that make comments so exciting today.
Here is an actual guestbook entry I came across, typical of most guestbook entries: “Very good webpage you have here, and best greetings to all your visitors. You are welcome to visit my webpage.”
Could they be less constructive? Even a “first” or an ASCII middle finger is better.
C’mon! This is the internet. If you want to communicate with random people in other countries just for the sake of it, stick to HAM radio.
(Click here to sign this post’s guestbook!)
FAQ stands for “frequently asked questions” but it usually turns into “questions I’ve obviously made up myself to give me an opportunity to provide information about things no one would actually ever ask questions about.”
Let’s say there’s a site about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The first FAQ would inevitably be “What is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?”
Who would ever ask that? And if they were asking that, how did they end up on the FAQ page? If you run a site about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and users have to go to your FAQ page to figure out what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are, you’re probably not running a very good Royal Canadian Mounted Police website.
“Click here to email the Webmaster.”
Okay, but only after you quit pretending your webmaster is a different person than you.
Who came up with the name “webmaster”? It probably went out of style because, for your average computer programmer, it brought back some sour memories from their old Dungeons and Dragons days.
Need more proof it’s a silly title? Try putting it in a modern context. Can you image someone calling Mark Zuckerberg the webmaster of Facebook or Kevin Rose the webmaster of Digg?
On GeoCities, websites were often just one long single page of unedited drivel and found GIFs. Websites just kept going. Who needs more than one page when the web has infinitely long pages?
So, every three paragraphs, a little hyperlink would offer to take you back to the top. Why? I’ve only made it 20% of the way down your site and you want me to go back to the top to read that same 20% again? I’m not trying to memorize every single track on every Limp Bizkit album: I’m just looking for that one specific song title to include in my death threat to Fred Durst.
By the way, the “take me to the top” section of this post is self-reflexive! Here’s to you, “take me to the top!”
7) Visitor counters
Visitor counters were the most important part of any GeoCities page. In fact, I believe it was an unspoken rule that you could not remove your “Under Construction” banner until you had added a hit counter, thus making your GeoCities page “complete.”
Before handling web analytics became a full-time job, the best option to determine your web-traffic was to put a counter right on the page. These counters had the added bonus of embarrassing your visitors when they would realize how few people had been to your site before them.
But, back then, it didn’t matter that nobody was visiting your site — you could always stuff the ballot by manually changing the number in the settings. If your friend’s counter said “114” you could be pretty sure that meant “14.” Why won’t Google AdSense let me do this?
Luckily, even without GeoCites, the visitor counter industry will stay in business thanks, entirely, to eBay.
We’re going to miss GeoCities…
We’ll miss the impossible to remember URLs. We’re going to miss hand-coding our pages in Notepad. We’ll even miss the ridiculously invasive ads. So pour one out for the hosting platform that took “bright lights, big city” way too literally.
GeoCities –- farewell.
Bonus: The Best Google Logo EVER
Collected by cracked
It’s the not-to-distant future. They’ve turned off the Internet. After the riots have settled down and the withdrawal symptoms have faded, how would you cope?
We asked you to Photoshop what life would be like in an Internet-addicted society learning to cope without it, and offered $50 to the winner. That winner is below, but first, the runners-up:
And the winner is …