Written by [Redacted] Guy
Oh, hey, Lemondrop readers. I’m writing to you from the Mariana Trench–level depths of a reasonably significant hangover. The reason I tell you this is because I think I have some helpful information for those of you out there who also like to take a drink now again: The best way to combat a particularly rough day after is to Think Positively.
So, today’s column is all about positives. Lady positives! I was reminded yesterday, while out with friends, drinking said drinks, of the many small marvels of the human female. There was a girl a table over, with a black and white dress and Christina Hendricks proportions … and we were all just collectively floored by her. Even my gay friend whispered, “That woman’s body! It just won’t quit.”
And it wouldn’t. It would not quit.
I should have said a word or six to her, but I was too timid and then she was gone, her curves filing themselves away in my brain parts.
Anyway, it got me thinking about the other, less obvious stuff that men love about women (that is, besides the way they look in tight black-and-white dresses). Because there are tons, and whenever guys are writing about women (I’m just as guilty as the rest, on occasion), it’s usually telling them what they’re doing wrong. Even my female editor seemed suspicious. (She was all “OK, crazy, why don’t you make a list, and then I’ll tell you what a repulsive pervert you are,” because she’s a reincarnated Viking who grows powerful from my tears.) But I was determined.
So, without further ado, here are 10 Things That Only Women Can Do That I (and Most Guys in Their Right Minds) Love.
1. The Casual Touch
Oh, God, I love this so much. When, out of the blue, a girl will place a hand on your arm while she’s laughing, or pick something out of your hair, or fix your collar. There’s something so divine about an unexpected, casual, sweet touch like this. It’s so beautiful and tiny and makes us feel all warm and happy. Of course, if it happens below the waist I fire six-shooters into the air and madly dance in place like Yosemite Sam.
2. The “Real Drink” Order
When a gal orders a scotch or a bourbon, I’m pretty much on Orbitz looking for our elopement flights. I’ve caught some flak for mentioning that a vodka tonic is a shameful drink, and I might back away from it now as I’ve had a few this summer and there is something nice and uncomplicated about them, but as girl drink orders go, they’re a bit unoriginal. But when a woman orders up something brown, I’m all “I will make sure your diamond is not a conflict diamond!” Also, add to this a lady who insists on picking up a round. That’s always great. I have no problem paying (chivalry isn’t dead, according to those Chivas ads), but when a girl is like, “No, you got the first few, Slim, I got this one,” I’m all “My parents will totally help your parents find the right caterer.”
3. Being Good in a Crowd
A huge turn-off for me is when a woman acts possessive or turns into a clinging mute in the company of others. But! This is a column about positives, and therefore this is about how much I love when a woman I’m with is comfortable around new people without getting eerily quiet and hovering around the periphery of a conversation with that creepy mute focus that you see in movies about women who eventually go nuts and telekinetically murder an entire town. She’s a fine actor and probably a nice woman, but I don’t want to date Sissy Spacek. Yet you gals out there who tackle social situations, the “screw it” crew who just go with it and don’t shrink like people say violets do — you’re tops!
4. Liking Blowjobs
Note: I didn’t say loving blowjobs. The line between liking blowjays and loving blowjays is seeming like you enjoy tuning a guy’s horn and seeming like you enjoy posting clips on YouPorn of you taking on 10-piece Mariachi bands. Enjoying the act — yay! Moaning about much you looooove it when a guy palms yours ears? A bit too much.
5. Girl Smell
How the hell do you do it? I take showers, I use shampoo, yet how come bluebirds don’t follow my scent when I walk outside? The way girls smell is one of the wonders of science, right next to dark matter and Hayden Christensen’s still getting speaking roles. You used my shower and my 2-in-1 shampoo and still your hair smells like hope and passion fruit! HOW?
6. The Way You Casually Destroy Other Women
I have plenty of lady friends and, to a woman, they’re pretty much sweet and smart and sane. Yet if they don’t like another woman at the party / bar / corner office, they effortlessly morph into Ian McShane from “Deadwood”: “Oh, that chick is swine, swine, I wouldn’t @#% that #$!@ with a #@!*&.” Oh well, thanks for the clarification, sweet little Anne from Georgia in the sundress who usually says, “Aw, fudge!” when she stubs her toe.
I don’t know why, but lady elbows are hilarious and cute. Look at your little elbows! What are they doing there? Oh, just introducing your forearm to your bicep? How pleasant!
8. All That Crap in Your Bag
Some dudes might be all “Why do you have to carry so much with you everywhere in that ridiculously huge bag?” But not me. I love girls and their ridiculously huge bags and all the crap that’s in them. Just yesterday I was pawing through a friend’s purse in a “needless item” fugue. You should have seen the stuff she had! If someone burst into the bar and was all “Quick, I require a sewing needle, 20 pounds of glossy magazines, a deck of cards, not one but two combs, matches, a heavy-flow tampon, a tungsten rod and Serbian President Boris Tadic’s autobiography — and step on it!” I could have produced said items from my friend’s bag. It’s 100 degrees outside, and she’s willing to lug around a metric ton of nonsense? Brilliant.
9. The Fact That You Think That Air Conditioner Is Too Heavy to Lift
All of them, really. Hey, I know you can’t help it if you don’t have one, but you’re also the same gender who will sleep with just about any Australian dude and most Brits, so live and let live, ladies. If I meet a gal and she’s got any kind of accent — Southern, Italian , Baltimorean — I pretty much turn into an erection with eyebrows. I think we should all just fall in love with people who have different accents than we do. I could listen to a chick with a French accent read the shooting script to “Garden State” in full exaltation mode.
I could go on and on. Women on motorcycles, women on congressional subcommittees, women on “The Price Is Right” who excel at Plinko … it’s really endless. So, next time you see me checking you out, realize it’s not just about your boobs and butt, it’s also about the way you passive-aggressively flip magazine pages during sporting events.
Bonus: Lisa Simpson’s wedding is tomorrow.