Monthly Archives: December 2009

15 Greatest Lies All Women’s Magazines Tell

Written by The Manolith Team

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Women’s magazines have come under fire in recent years, and for good reason. It’s taken a long time, and many hurt women, but these so-called publications are all getting called out more and more frequently for spewing loads of hot air — and often outright lies — to their readers. Spending no more than five minutes reading one of these rags can be enough to cause mild brain-damage, with the sheer amount of bad advice regurgitated month after month. We went through a few months’ worth of all the worst offenders, and honestly the effect is probably worse than sniffing glue — but we’ve got results. These are the 15 absolute worst lies that all women’s magazines tell — they’ve got millions of readers, so it may be a little scary.

Women Must Live (And Act Out) Abroad

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Women’s magazines love to come from the overwhelmingly pretentious standpoint that any woman who hasn’t spent a summer in Paris is basically an illiterate housewife in a trailer-park. Over and over again, the idea is drilled in that women who’ve gotten married without first sleeping with a different man in another country are destined to a failed marriage, as they couldn’t possibly have made the right choice without knowing how a foreigner is in bed first.

“What He Says During Sex”

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A classic, this overcooked contrivance rears its ugly head at least once a quarter. The offending magazines splash the phrase across the cover, and have a graphic-loaded guide somewhere in the issue that breaks men down and classifies them according to a stereotypical verbalization made during sex. In a shameless ploy to sell magazines, these people tell women that if a man grunts during sex, he’s goal-oriented, if he’s quiet or breathing hard, he’s got emotional issues, and if he’s vocal, he’s stupid and probably shallow. Women believe this stuff, because the authors and editors attribute information to bogus names of doctors and professors who likely don’t exist, or if they do exist, the info’s often misquoted or just plain bad.

Fake New-Age Practices Can Make Women Look Younger (And Have Better Sex)

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Women’s magazines love to insist that, along with just about everything else in the universe, 15 minutes of half-assed yoga or drinking green tea once a day will take years off a woman’s face, 30 lbs. off her physique, and lead to better sex. Everything leads to better sex in women’s magazines, it’s their core selling point for the crackpot advice they dole out. The most heinous thing about this isn’t that they constantly ascribe impossibly positive outcomes to such miniscule effort, but that they inspire millions of women to run around acting like they’re some sort of zen master because they sat on the floor for a few minutes without speaking. Actually following any sort of regimen would be too much to ask of most of their readers, never mind the fact that it would take several servings of tea and actual meditation training to accomplish anything at all.

Yogurt, Granola, Fruits and Veggies Make Fat Girls Slim

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There’s a fine line to walk when pushing the idea of eating healthy — on one side there’s “eat all you want, it’s healthy!” — on the other, there’s honesty. All the granola, fruit, greens and yogurt in the world can’t save an overweight person from being overweight without exercise and moderation. Women’s magazines like to ignore overwhelming obesity statistics; there’s no such thing as an overweight girl in their universe, so it’s absurd to think any girl would ever be any more than five pounds overweight at any given point in time.

“What He’s Really Thinking”

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These are nothing short of amazing. The situation ranges from “when he sees you naked” to “the first time you have sex” all the way to “when he says he loves you.” When magazines like Cosmo try to tell women what men are thinking, the bottom line is that it’s just plain insulting to every man alive. The garbage they print as the thoughts of men are usually an amalgam of the most trite, clueless, one-dimensional quotes from the most hapless characters in college frat-humor movies.

Women Should Act on Every Impulse and Call it Instinct

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More women every year turn against the magazines and their readers because of this one; they basically advocate that women should do whatever they want, when they want, regardless of who they may hurt in doing so. Why? Because they’re women and they should act on every impulse, because those impulses are womanly instincts and they can’t possibly be happy without acting on them. These gems of advice range from quitting a good job on a whim, to basically becoming a prostitute because it sounds fun at the time. In the universe that women’s magazines operate in, everyone is a spoiled little girl with a trust fund to fall back on, and absolutely no morals whatsoever.

Plastic Surgery and Botox are Great, Quick & Clean

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The glorification of plastic surgery and botox treatment is pretty much agreed upon by anyone with a brain to be a bad thing, but women’s magazines consistently treat them like beauty secrets, or only mention them in passing, but in a positive light. The sad thing here is that the countless women who actually read these rags tend to think that because the magazine either promotes or glamorizes these things, that they’re not just good, but normal. More and more women are starting to regard these things the same way they talk about changing their hair-color.

Touting Pseudo-Science as Fully Legitimate

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These people love to write off modern medicine and science on a regular basis, and part of that is in their insistence that women can fix any ailment, anything at all, with a cup of tea, a dose of echinacea, and happy thoughts. They bust out the prefab quotes, complete with either crackpot “doctors” or just flat-out fake names, and act like hospitals only exist for broken bones.

The Right Sports Bra Can Turn Lazy Women Into Decathletes

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The Sex and the City tone that’s so pervasive in all women’s magazines can lead to some pretty outrageous stupidity, but one of the funniest and most egregious is the idea that women can do anything — so long as they’re outfitted with the proper (designer) clothing, shoes, and accessories. Editors for these things get piles, literally piles of free stuff from soliciting companies looking to get plugged, so it’s no big deal when they act like the newest pumps will allow women to run 20 miles without even feeling the burn, or that the newest, ultralight, super-underwired designer sports bra will turn the laziest girl on the block into a star runner just by efficiently cupping her assets.

It’s a Woman’s Right to be Overly-Emotional, at All Times

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The idea that women are ridiculously overly-emotional because of their genetics is heavily ingrained into these magazines. They constantly tell women that in order to be happy, they need to express themselves, and they don’t mean to a healthy extent, either. If women followed them to the letter, they’d spend all day, every day, expressing themselves emotionally. It’s funny to think that men usually get stuck with the unpleasant stereotype of constant chauvinism, when these magazines themselves belittle women more than the best Burt Reynolds movie.

“Why He Likes X Position”

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These are probably the most entertainingly wrong of all the “why he X” type articles these magazines put out. First of all, they constantly change the accepted names of sexual positions, largely because they run the same article repeatedly throughout the year and have to change it somehow to make it seem like something new. This makes it even funnier, since one month they may say that men like it on bottom because they’re “givers,” while three months later it might say that they’re weak, or even “effeminate.” In order for women to appreciate these articles they must abandon all past experience, as well as common sense.

“Green” Handbags Will Save the World

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The green craze is huge in the women’s magazine industry, largely due to the massive amount of ad money that pours in when they go heavy on the Vitamin Water and Prius adverts. Piggybacking on that, they basically go all out and get women to believe that they can save the world by buying designer handbags made out of …garbage. While recycled purses are no new thing, and there are even some that are respectably ingenious, the magazines tend to glam them up and turn the whole thing into just another exercise in designer purses. In the end, all that’s changed is the amount of pretentious young women who use a reusable plastic Starbucks coffeecup, and wear a purse that’s supposedly carbon-neutral. Not exactly the stuff of the Planeteers.

Jobs Are For Personal Fulfillment; Women Are Entitled to the Jobs of Their Choosing

Veepstakes Sarah Palin

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Going along with the constant pushing to be more impulsive, women’s magazines promote the idea that women should up and leave their job not just on a whim, but because they deserve better. According to them, women should get whatever job they want, anywhere, and they shouldn’t ever have to actually qualify or even apply for the position. Companies should come seeking them, because they’re women, and they deserve it. Never is the issue of actual merit or education ever brought up; somehow everyone who works at these places managed to go through life without ever actually working toward anything.

A Manicure and Latte Can Fix Anything

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Much like the idea that a cup of green tea can take a year off a woman’s face, or that echinacea can cure any sickness when mixed with happy thoughts, women’s magazines love to insist that no matter how bad a stressful event may be, a latte (also made out to be something overly effective) and a manicure can fix it. Actually coping with a problem, or attempting to fix it in any way, is verboten. In their universe, women aren’t supposed to try and fix anything. Everything just fixes itself, all on its own.

No, You Can Never Look Like That

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Last, but certainly not least; women’s magazines are rightfully blamed by many the world over for skewing women’s views of themselves and others in such a way that borders on criminal. Relentless airbrushing of any picture of any woman on any page in their publications, flat-out lies about diet plans and best eating practices, mild to heavy glamorization of the worst diets and flat-out unhealthy eating practices all lead to more and more women hating their bodies, and themselves. These magazines show no remorse when a girl dies of anorexia or bulimia, because they’d rather act like that sort of thing never happens. They’re out to make money on the insecurities they create year after year as they hook readers, who are getting younger every year. Men’s magazines may have a tendency to be nothing but a wad of adverts for expensive watches, galleries of half-naked girls, and dirty jokes — but at least they’re honest.

Bonus! Stages of Man’s Life

Goodbye 2009 !

Google’s New Year Logo 2010 !

2000-2010

8 Things Every Geek Needs to Do Before 2010

Written by Jolie O’Dell

It’s one thing to have resolutions for the new year. I, for example, plan to lose weight, learn Python and design the perfect handbag. But since nothing satisfies like the quick achievement of a short-term goal, here are eight things every good nerd needs to to before the ball drops later this week.

These tasks comprise a quick to-do list that will leave you feeling competent and prepared for the decade that approaches.Also, you can play the condescension chip and start chiding friends who haven’t checked off these items yet.

1. Edit your privacy settings and friendships.

Facebook’s maelstrom-causing privacy changes have given quite a few of us a head-scratching good time trying to figure out just how much of our private lives are to be made public. Before the new year begins, take a look at your settings on sites such as Facebook, Flickr, YouTube, LiveJournal and any other places you might be sharing personal content to make sure what you display is consistent with the public image you want to project. As more recruiters and employers hit the Web in search of info on inpiduals, it’s becoming ever more important to monitor and control our own identities. If you look back to the origin dates of some of your accounts, you might be surprised at what you thought was appropriate to share online in 2005.

Also, while considering what’s private and public, take time to evaluate what a “friend,” “contact” or “follower” means to you and what types of information you share with different groups.

2. Change your passwords.

Safety first, friends. Social web security threats in 2009 were sweeping and surprised more than a few users with spam DMs, hacked accounts and malware of all kinds. Check out the password management tools recommended by a recently high-profile hacker (scroll to the last few paragraphs); for free or cheap, they’ll help you generate strong, random passwords and manage them from your computer.

3. Own your name.

I’ve conducted many a web search on many a professional geek this year, and I’ve been disappointed by how few of us have staked a meaningful claim to our online identities. If you haven’t already, buy a URL – preferably one that relates to the name you use professionally – and make friends with Google. If you don’t show up in the first results when you search for your name, get a crash course in SEO and ask friends to link to you. It’s good for your social life and your career if you seize the opportunity to tell the searching world about yourself rather than relegating that responsibility to LinkedIn, Facebook or some weirdo with the same name as you.

4. Prune your feeds.

When going through your RSS feeds, do you find yourself impatiently scrolling more than you’re intently skimming? Is your list of unread items becoming unmanagable? The end of the year is a perfect time to get rid of the content you’re not reading and group the stuff you are. Take some time this week to organize, delete and add feeds, thereby optimizing your feed-reading experience. Try tools such as NetNewsWire’s “dinosaurs” and “least attention” features that weed out unread or dormant feeds, and consider implementing tools such as Lazyfeed or Guzzle.it that can bring relevant results from fresh sources. And make sure the feeds you own are easy for others to find, too.

5. Find a better mobile.

If you don’t have a smartphone already, chances are you’ll desperately need one next year. And if you already have one, think long and hard about whether you’re happy with your service, network and interface.

While you might not be able to run out and buy your dream device before 2010 rolls around, visit a few retailers, read some reviews and have your eye on a good mobile to purchase next year. Mobile tech keeps on booming, and you’ll want to ensure a frustration-free year as new apps and OSes roll out.

6. Update copyright notices on your website.

Here’s a simple, obvious and necessary reminder. Does your website currently claim a copyright year of 2007? While it doesn’t put you on the foul side of the law, it does look a bit silly as we head into a new decade. The Next Web has a good bit of dynamic code for site owners.

7. Revisit your blog.

That poor, neglected old beast might be long overdue for a design facelift, a blogroll refresh or even just a few new posts. While you’re at it, why not set automatic reminders to periodically bug you about posting in the new year? On a more mission-critical note, you’ll also want to make sure you’re using the most updated version of your CMS; not doing so can can lead to problems from broken plugins to getting hacked. And while you’re at it, the year’s end might also be a good time to consider switching up your CMS service altogether.

8. Back up your data.

Hacks and hardware failures happen. Before 2010, make sure as much of your data as possible is protected. From calendars and contacts to blog posts and work projects, more and more of us are relying on networks of servers and startups to keep us running. So, now might be a good time to download and back up files of LinkedIn contacts and WordPress posts – anything that’s valuable to you and portable. Think of it this way: You – or at least parts of you – live in the Internet. If the Internet caught on fire, what would you grab to carry with you out of the blaze?

We hope this list helps you all get a few housekeeping items squared away in time for a great New Year’s Eve filled with peace of mind and a smug sense of superiority over your fellow nerds. If you can think of any must-do year-end tasks, please let us know in the comments!

Improve internet safety for children.

20 ways to get healthier for free

Written by Jacquelyne Froeber

Celebrate the New Year with a new you — by dipping into our smart batch of strategies to keep you happy and healthy (at no cost!) all year long.

Change up your exercise routine by borrowing different workout DVDs for free from your local library.

Change up your exercise routine by borrowing different workout DVDs for free from your local library.

Borrow (don’t buy) your next fitness DVD

Join the local library — for the workout DVDs. Most libraries have a big selection, the perfect antidote to a boring (and pricey) gym routine. And because the key to sticking with exercise is to keep it interesting, you can switch it up (cheaply) as often as you want.

Get a free skin checkup

The Skin Cancer Foundation will provide free skin screenings during its Road to Healthy Skin Tour from April to September 2010. Check SkinCancer.org this spring for availability in your area.

Order a free health calendar

Get one from the National Women’s Health Information Center. The 2010 calendar lists recommended health tests, reveals surprising symptoms of serious health conditions, and offers important advice on how to read drug labels and get a second opinion.

Surf for deals

Thunderfap.com, FreakyFreddies.com, and Freemania.net have free-by-mail samples and coupons for items like hand sanitizer, bandages, deodorant, tampons, and toothpaste. Ebates.com gives cash back for purchases at stores like Drugstore.com, Bath & BodyWorks, DERMAdoctor.com, GNC, Kiehl’s, Nutrisystem, and many more.

CouponCraze.com has discounts for anti-allergy bedding, humidifiers, and dehumidifiers. And RetailMeNot.com features coupons for contact lenses and supplements.

Get a free radon test

Radon, an odorless natural gas present in many homes, is the leading cause of lung cancer deaths among nonsmokers. January is National Radon Action Month, so visit the Environmental Protection Agency’s Web site to check the availability of free or low-cost test kits in your state.

Click off the weight

Studies show that interactive online-weight-loss programs help people drop pounds and maintain weight loss, too. To get diet counseling, try SparkPeople.com. You can access calorie-counting tools at http://www.CalorieCount.about.com.

Strike a pose

Try your Downward Dog for free — or pretty cheap — thanks to the Internet. Every week, Yoga Today streams a free, one-hour class. (Downloads cost $3.99.) Also, mark Jan. 23, 2010 on your calendar: it’s Yoga Day USA, when yoga centers around the country will offer free classes. (Check YogaDayUSA.org for availability in your area.) Why yoga? It hikes flexibility and strength, provides help for relieving stress and controlling weight, and lowers risks of heart disease and sleep problems.

Health.com: Laid off? The 8 healthiest ways to spend your time

Bargain hard

Many health clubs and gyms are willing to cut you deals or give you free passes to try their facilities. Bally Total Fitness, Gold’s Gym, and 24 Hour Fitness offer free seven-day trials. Remember: everything is negotiable. And once you’re a member, train with a buddy to cut trainer costs in half, or sign up for 30-minute training sessions instead of hour-long ones. Bonus: Besides being cheaper, the shorter workout may move faster and be more intense.

Do a smoke checkup

Some local fire departments offer smoke alarms (a potential lifesaver, considering up to 20 percent of the alarms installed in people’s homes don’t even work) for free or at discounted prices. Speaking of smoke: if you’re trying to stop smoking, call 800-784-8669 to find a coach who’ll help you kick the nasty habit for free. Quitting will not only save you money but also lower your risks for heart disease and cancer.

Health.com: 7 health insurance horror stories

Create a medical family tree

Start planning a healthier future today by asking relatives about their health conditions and those of your ancestors. Then visit this site from the U.S. Surgeon General’s Office to create a free Family Health Portrait that reveals your risks. Raising health awareness this way can help lower your risk of major diseases.

Save $170 in the shower

That’s how much you can cut from your water bill each year by taking shorter, cooler showers, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. Your budget and your skin will thank you. Hot water causes blood vessels to expand, causing you to lose more moisture, says Dr. Jeannette Graf, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in New York City. To keep your skin soft and supple, limit showers to around five minutes and think warm, not hot.

Snag free health apps

There are about 3,000 iPhone applications designed to boost your health and fitness — and many are free. Swine Flu Tracker Map pinpoints where people in your area are sick with the H1N1 virus. MyNetDiary has 91,000 foods in its database to help you plan healthy meals, and its community forum is reviewed by a registered dietitian. Free Menstrual Calendar helps you predict your periods and fertile days. FitnessKeeper uses GPS tracking for runners who want to keep tabs on their distance, speed and calories burned. And one of our personal favorites: Vibrating Massager literally turns your iPhone into a feel-good massager. (Yep, there’s an app for that!)

Health.com: How to prevent hospital overcharges

Boost your immunity

To help keep winter colds at bay, get free samples of Emergen-C powdered multivitamin packs at EmergenC.com. Each packet contains 1,000 milligrams of vitamin C — more than 10 times your daily requirement — plus other antioxidants and energy-boosting B vitamins.

Moisturize for free

Stop by Sephora stores across the country and ask for a free sample (you can literally try out hundreds of moisturizers), and you’ll get three more freebies — like Dylan’s Candy Bar Birthday Cake Batter Body Smoothie Lotion or Bliss All-Around Eye Cream — if you buy something at Sephora.com. And at Aveda.com, you’ll get a free Tourmaline Charged Exfoliating Cleanser sample when you buy any two Tourmaline Charged skin-care products.

Eat healthier, no cookbook required

Got a tummy ache that needs some soothing? Try the Belly Balance Smoothie (developed by Health magazine nutrition guru Frances Largeman-Roth, RD) and find loads of other good-for-you, low-calorie options for every meal at recipes.health.com.

Tweet for discounts

Follow your favorite stores on Twitter and get hot sales alerts and great advice. Twitter.com/targetdailydeal offers new discounts every day on items like vacuums, healthy cookware, and bedding. Twitter.com/walgreens brings you deals like 25 percent off eco-friendly makeup applicators, $10 off purchases of $40 or more on vitamins and supplements, and other discounts on products like diabetes tests. And Twitter.com/Clinique_US features all kinds of useful free tips like this one: to give parched skin a dewy look, mix foundation with a drop of moisturizer in your palm and smooth over your face.

Try a new sport

You’ve always wanted to try cross-country skiing, right? As part of its anniversary sale on January 9, WinterTrails.org will help you try it for free at a location near you.

Give and get for free

Loads of useful items from babyGap, Science Diet, Tempur-Pedic, Love My Belly, and more great brands are available for free on the grassroots network Freecycle.org, a smart online location for secondhand giveaways. The site’s goal is to keep good stuff in use instead of letting it get thrown away and end up harming the environment. Keep in mind: available items change daily.

Health.com: 15 ways to boost your memory

Sign up for a free pedometer

JustKeepMoving.com, a healthy-lifestyle-information site from the company that makes Tylenol, will send you a pedometer (while supplies last) if you register. Studies show that using the simple gadget is an effective weight-loss tool.

Talk it out

There’s a free self-help group out there for what­ever is bothering you, whether it’s physical or mental. Find a searchable database of about 1,000 support groups for people dealing with acne, addictions, allergies, breast cancer, headaches, infertility, eating disorders, OCD, parenting, and many more issues.

Enter to win a monthly Room Makeover Giveaway from MyHomeIdeas.com

Copyright Health Magazine

How to talk your way out of a speeding ticket

Written by Geoff Williams

Speeding ticketIt’s the holidays, we’re coming off a brutal recession, and the last thing any of us needs is a speeding ticket. And yet someone reading this — I hope not the person writing this — is going to get a speeding ticket in the next week or so. According to the National Motorists Association, between 25 million and 50 million speeding tickets are issued every year. So with that in mind, and since plenty of people get pulled over on their way to and from work, we’re offering some suggestions for talking your way out of a ticket.

Will any of this work? Your guess is as good as ours. And, of course, you can drive 90 miles an hour on the freeway and try to find out, but we don’t recommend it. At any rate, here are our suggestions, cultivated from some experts and regular folks who have managed to talk their way out of a ticket. Consider it our gift to anyone caught speeding over the holidays or in the midst of a new year.

Don’t lie. Sure, it’s understandable that you’re going to want to punt and tell the officer that your wife is in labor at the hospital waiting for you, or you’re being chased by a gang of jewel thieves determined to rub you out. But aside from the fact that lying is wrong, and honesty is the best policy and all of that, police officers are kind of trained to spot, well, you know, crooks. If you lie, they’re either going to recognize that or simply find out (“Oh, wow, sorry to hear about your wife — let me make sure you get to the hospital on time”). Instead, do what may not come naturally at a time like this and tell the truth.

That’s the approach Devra Renner, a parenting blogger, gave back when she was in college, driving from Tucson to Lubbock and was pulled over in Salt Flat, Texas. The state trooper asked Renner what she was doing “speeding through the great state of Texas.” Renner admitted that she was in the middle of nowhere, had been driving for hours, got bored and wanted to see how fast her car could go.

Maybe the officer admired that honesty, because he looked at her and said, “Darlin’, you know you’re in a Volkswagen Rabbit, not on the Nascar circuit, right?”

She agreed, apologized and told him she would “hop more slowly” from now on. The state trooper asked her to watch her speed and gave her a warning.

Drive around with something really weird in your car. We’re not really recommending this as a strategy, but it’s such an unusual story, we figured we’d offer it up. Autumn O’Bryan, from Salem, New Hampshire, has a pretty unique business. She stages sex toy home parties for women, and a few years ago, as she was leaving one such party, the hostess came running out of the house, flagging O’Bryan down. O’Bryan had left behind one of those toys.

She thanked the hostess, threw it on her passenger seat and drove away, in somewhat of a hurry to meet some girlfriends. “I was speeding and got caught in a speed trap,” says O’Bryan, who vividly recalls the officer walking up to her car with a flashlight and asking for her license and registration. “He asked where I was coming from, and why I was in such a hurry.”

O’Bryan explained that she had just finished working, and that she was on the way out to meet the girls. That’s when he flashed his light on the sex toy, and the officer then stared at O’Bryan for a long moment. Finally, he said, “Be careful and have a good night,” and walked away, shaking his head. He never even took the license or registration.

Know when to keep your mouth shut. One police officer in Virginia emailed in (he didn’t want his name used) and made the observation that “if you get the ticket, you don’t get the lecture. If you start getting the lecture, it usually means no ticket.” That would suggest that if you’re getting a lecture, it would be smart to not be defensive. Try nodding, saying, “you’re right,” and in general, being polite. Being polite to an officer of the law is a good idea in any situation, but seriously, this is not the moment to get argumentative.

COMING SOON: How to minimize the damage if you are going to get a ticket, in “How to Talk Your Way Out of a Speeding Ticket, Part II”

Geoff Williams is a frequent contributor to Aol Small Business. He is also the author of C.C. Pyle’s Amazing Foot Race and co-author of the new book Living Well with Bad Credit. Williams has been pulled over for speeding four times and has never been able to talk his way out of a ticket. His last ticket — knock on wood — was on January 1, 1999.

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8 Gifts Guaranteed to Collect Dust After Christmas Day

Written by Jason

We all give or receive Christmas gifts, year after year, that will ultimately be used one or two times before getting boxed up and banished to the attic to collect dust for eternity. Many of these items flood Ebay after every Christmas, or show up at a garage sale in the spring so they can collect dust at someone else’s house. Some people will even try to exchange them, even though they’re now not only USED pieces of crap, but there’s technically nothing wrong with them to begin with. It’s not that we don’t like these gifts or the thoughtfulness behind them — quite the opposite in in fact — we’re excited about these presents. Unfortunately that excitement wears off the moment they start becoming a pain in the ass to use or clean. This usually happens before we ring in the new year.

Breadmaker

breadmaker

Banana bread is awesome for a couple days. Beyond that, this thing is just going to take up counter space in the kitchen. You’re not going to bake your own bread every day, no matter how easy it might be with an automatic breadmaker. Don’t kid yourself.

Disc Washer/ Scratch Repair Thing

disc repair

Do these even work? And can’t you just wash a disc with dish soap or rub it with a little Brasso or toothpaste to fix it anyway?

Fondue Set

fondue

Oh yay, fondue. We love chocolate fountains and melted cheese. Have you ever tried to clean one of these things? Even Goodwill is going to give you dirty looks if you try to donate this thing. Box it up immediately.

Any Board Game

board games

After all the Christmas get-togethers are over, who’s going to have the time to sit around and play these games? It’s also almost a guarantee that some of the many game pieces will be immediately lost. It’s back to the normal grind on January 2 and what’s left of the board games will be shuttled up to the attic with the holiday decorations.

Miscellaneous Organizers

organizers

We usually get these from well meaning relatives who want us to get our shit together. It’s not happening. It didn’t last year, or the year before and it’s not likely to at any point in the future unless they also want to hire you a maid to clean and put the organizer to use — and to reorganize for you after you clutter things up again.

Keyboard Vac

keyboard vac

Okay, these things are ridiculous pieces of shit, but nobody really knows that until after they buy them. A really clean keyboard is nice, but these things have less sucking power than your best friend’s sister, and it’s easier to just flip your keyboard or laptop over and beat the back of it than to try to get a keyboard vac to extract even the tiniest particle from it. Take our word for it. These don’t usually get the chance to collect dust though, at least mine didn’t. It went straight into the garbage.

Foot Spa

foot spa

I have several in my attic, and a couple more are in my mom’s attic. It’s not exactly fun lugging water into the living room to put into one of these things — not to mention lugging the thing full of feetwater to the bathroom to dump it when you’re done. Additionally, the noises made by your foot spa are usually about as relaxing as listening to your roommate’s stomach problems after a long night of partying.

Chair Massager

chair massager

These are loud and annoying unless you spend $300 on one, and even then it’s pretty iffy. Massages may feel great, but when you’re being kneaded by a robotic chair mat, don’t count on it hitting just the right spots like an actual person might. Instead, just go see the girls over at Madam Camae’s Filipino Palace.

An Honest Look at Christmas Over Time

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As Christmas comes closer we can’t help but take a sentimental look at how much we’ve changed when it comes to this holiday.  Don’t get us wrong, Christmas is still cool, but it’s more like a “Free Meal” type of cool. If you’re celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanzaa this will apply to you as well. Simply note how much more you spend on gifts as you get older, while observing how the gifts you receive start to suck more.

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Bonus: Last Minute Christmas Gifts That Will Get You Laid

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Merry Christmas!

9 Sex Myths You Shouldn’t Believe

Written by mademan

Find out what you’ve had wrong all along!

We told you about foods you should eat to have better sex . We told you about the fitness you’ll need to handle that sex . But once you’re between the sheets, there are some myths floating around in there that are in desperate need of busting. Here are 9 Sex Myths You Shouldn’t Believe

1. Size matters

Your penis is of an average-to-small size? Doesn’t really matter, man. Only the lower third of her vagina has hyper-pleasure nerves, that elusive ‘G Spot’ is often only an inch or two inside AND the clitoris, the oft forgotten button o’ pleasure, is on the outside of her vagina. Don’t worry, you’re working with plenty.

2. Size doesn’t matter

But that doesn’t mean that guys with larger penises don’t have it easier. It’s sort of like trying to mow your lawn with a tractor — you can cover a lot more ground with a lot less effort. But it takes a lot of fuel to power a tractor, and the same goes for monstrously large penises. Size isn’t a hurdle for having great sex, but it’s definitely a factor, especially mentally. An anonymous female reader told us, “It probably doesn’t matter outside my own head, but I like to see a big manly man that’s also well equipped.  Seeing that

3. Missionary is boring

The vast minority of porn scenes feature the so-called Missionary Position. You’ve got lots of Doggy Style, plenty of Reverse Cow Girl and lots and lots of oral. That’s because Missionary Position is boring, right? Nope… It’s because Missionary is the hardest position to film. There’s a reason the Missionary Position is the standard move for most couples, though… It’s the easiest position to sustain over several minutes (or, uh, hours, if you’re a freak) and sustained pleasure is key for mutual stimulation.

4. Women love the top

It seems like it’d be true — a girl is able to truly let loose and get wild when the roles are reversed and she’s dominating her man from on top. The reality is that the optimal positions for a woman to reach a vaginal orgasm are laying on her back or laying on her stomach. So if you don’t enjoy her on top either, cut that position out of your routine.

5. It’s your fault if she doesn’t climax

About 30% of women say they can have an orgasm vaginally. Throw in the wiliness and diversity of the clitoris and the psychological condition Frigidity and it becomes apparent that it’s a miracle that any women have orgasms. It’s not your fault she doesn’t climax and both you and your partner should know that… It’ll take the pressure off and change the dynamic of sex from a challenge to a journey of mutual exploration.

6. You give really good oral

We’ve heard just about every guy ever claim he was great at giving head. “Dude, I’m just really, really good! Trust me.” Getting a girl to have a clitoral orgasm from oral sex is even less challenging than getting a guy to orgasm from oral sex. Being great at oral sex is like being the Ski Ball world champion… No one cares, dog.

7. The male g-spot

This myth is probably true — there’s plenty of anecdotal and scientific evidence to back it up. But a guy doesn’t need a stray finger up his butt to have an orgasm. And with sex complicated enough as is without her mythical quest up your ass.

8. She knows what she wants

A big, nay HUGE hurdle for having great sex is a lack of communication. But that doesn’t mean what she says she wants is really what she wants. Women know their bodies only slightly more than you do… They know what feels good when they feel it but they’re clueless about how to get there (and for once, they’re too scared to ask for directions). So take the lead a bit and keep trying different things. If you’ve got confidence in your skills, you’ll get there.

9. Women are secretly porn stars

They’re not. Cum burns their eyes and tastes horrible. Do not copy the last scene of your favorite porn if you want the girl to be able to look you in the eye afterwards. Pun INTENDED.