October 2007

Written By Chris Kula

Fortune Magazine recently named Google the #1 company to work for, a ranking based largely on Google’s well-publicized employee perks: free meals in its gourmet cafeteria; on-site doctors, dry cleaners, and gym facilities; and even a policy that allows employees to bring their pets to work.

But the benefits of “Googlers” don’t end there. The following list of lesser-heralded employee perks should provide an idea of just how far Google goes to keep the human pistons of its search engine pumping contentedly.

1. Google provides free custom detailing on all employee-owned Segways, motorized scooters, recumbent bicycles, and other widely-derided modes of transportation.

2. For recent computer science grads accepting an engineering position with Google, a popular social event is Google’s “New Employee Orientation and Arranged Virginity-Loss Night.”

3. Google employees who are about to become mothers receive 12 weeks of maternity leave; aging female engineers now coming to terms with the fact they will likely never be mothers receive two weeks of “Crushing Sense of Incompleteness Leave.” (It is 50% paid.)

4. Googlers enjoy an Employee Referral Program ??’?” meaning, they receive a cash bonus if they refer management to any employee even thinking about leaving Google.

5. For all Google employees who’ve just committed a crime of passion, Google provides a two-bedroom safehouse just outside the city where said employee can lay low until “the heat” dies down.

6. Google affords all employees a $1500 monthly stipend for mandatory lava lamp purchases.

7. Google employees can commute to work via free company shuttle; it is piloted by retired colonel Buzz Aldrin.
8. To encourage collaboration, the hallways at Google are lined with whiteboards where employees can jot down ideas. To encourage active collaboration, these whiteboards are dusted with cocaine.

9. Google engineers make use of free on-site hair salons, specializing in both men’s and women’s unsavory bowl cuts.

10. To help relieve the stress of being tied to their computers for such long hours, Google provides employees with free online-based massage therapy.

11. Each new grain of sand in Google’s beach volleyball pit is imported via extraction from the bikini of Rachel Wacholder.

12. Google offers a unique “literal 401k” retirement plan; for every dollar an employee invests, Google matches it with $401,000.

13. Following its acquisition of YouTube, Google began arranging employee tours of YouTube headquarters where in a windowless room they can rub awkwardly against lonelygirl15.

14. Googlers can enjoy fruit smoothies via osmosis in one of several on-campus Jamba Baths.

15. New Google employees each receive a keepsake Google hacky-sack filled with pulverized sapphires.

16. At Google’s summer picnic the employees don’t play softball or soccer ??’?” they hunt homeless men for sport.

17. Google’s college intern recruitment video was written by J.D. Salinger and directed by Sidney Lumet.

18. At Halloween, Google sponsors a costume contest for engineers who dress up as their favorite line of code.

19. Google employees receive personal mentoring sessions with co-founder Sergey Brin, or at least one of the eight Brin replicants built in late 2005.

20. Employees are given beta test runs of exciting new Google software, such as the satellite imaging program Google Maps-of-Gisele’s Bedroom and the adult singles-finding service Gspots.

21. The barista at Google’s on-campus caf? is Juan Valdez. (Not the coffee brand icon ??’?” just a Latin dude named Juan who happens to make a really great latte.)

22. Google offers training and assistance to all employees planning to journey behind enemy lines in an attempt to rescue their POW fathers.

23. Google arranged that their regular opponent in corporate league basketball is always the team from Washington Generals, Inc. (To date, Google is a combined 238-0.)

24. Google engineers are given “20 percent time” in which they are free to pursue their own personal projects. This incentive has produced such efforts as Gmail, Google News, and 20% more employee masturbation.

25. Google provides free financial planning classes to all its employees. The session consists of just one tip: “Remember ??’?” Google. Fucking. OWNS You.”

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Written by Environmental graffiti

Obviously, we’re not against environmentalism and environmentalists, we are of course environmentalists ourselves. But if you go to many environmental meetings or rallies, you’re bound to come across some really annoying environmentalists. There are some people that, for whatever reason, you can agree with completely about political, environmental, or social issues, but still just want to hit in the face repeatedly. I call this the “Michael Moore Effect.” So for our obnoxious brethren in the environmental community, I present 5 ways for you to be less annoying.

1. Practice what you preach.

It’s hard for anyone to take you seriously if you don’t actually do what you tell other people to do. So go plant a tree or something.

2. Get rid of those dreads, white boy.

You are not a Rastafarian. You are a 15-25 year old white boy from the suburbs who likes smoking weed. Get a fucking haircut that people will let people respect you instead of making them immediately think “Douche bag”. (Note: Dreads do look cool on rastas, just not you.)

3. Shower.

This could also be a sub part of number 2. There are WAY too many smelly environmentalists. I don’t know how it became part of the environmentalist ethos that being involved with nature means not taking showers when they are readily available, but I want to get rid of that idea right now.

4. Read a book.

We admire your rampant enthusiasm for the environmental cause, but when you go around spouting statistics or ideas you just made up or repeated because you heard another moron say it, you look stupid. This makes all environmentalists look stupid. Should you be the type of person who likes to argue and use statistics, try actually finding scientifically researched statistics.

5. While we’re at it, stop arguing.

You know who’s not always right? You. And me. And everyone else. So get off your high horse and shut your mouth on occasion. The absolute worst way to get someone to join the environmental cause is to start arguing with them. People get pissed off and then they hate you and environmentalism forever. You know who doesn’t argue with people? Mormons. And they’re growing like crazy despite being both a religious group and having views that well? some people find a bit difficult to believe. Not that I think so. I just heard that on South Park. Please don’t sue us.

So there are my suggestions for how to make environmentalists less annoying. Read it. Live it.

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