Collected by cracked

It’s the not-to-distant future. They’ve turned off the Internet. After the riots have settled down and the withdrawal symptoms have faded, how would you cope?

We asked you to Photoshop what life would be like in an Internet-addicted society learning to cope without it, and offered $50 to the winner. That winner is below, but first, the runners-up:

#20.

by billispimp

#19.

by dagur

#18.

by SkyPork

#17.

by skubasteevo

#16.

by lokimotive

#15.

by jonhapimp

#14.

by RexLess

#13.

by pablosanchez

#12.

by TFindlay

#11.

by Lagomorph

#10.

by SamLowery

#9.

by kaine48

#8.

by AceJustice

#7.

by A_Beaux

#6.

by kirbman16

#5.

by Doomsday-device

#4.

by Rohan Ramakrishnan

#3.

by BackOff!

#2.

by Doomsday-device

And the winner is …

by BRWombat

Written by Cory Jones

Facebook might be a great place to meet your long lost friends, but it’s also a great place to get busted by your boss, get threatened to fight or start a heated political discussion. Here are the ten best.

10. When Cheating Goes Viral. Literally.

FYI Cheaters: When a guy’s gf logs into her bf’s Facebook page and sees a love note he sent to some other girl, her first reaction is to say he has herpes, HPV and possibly AIDS. You’ve been warned.

9. Facebook: It’s Serious Business

Stay hasty, bro. Stay  hasty…

8. Funny How We’re Not Friends

You know what, now that I think about it, that is pretty funny.

7. If You Friend Your Boss on Facebook, Remember That You Friended Your Boss on Facebook.

Adding your boss to your Facebook page is like inviting your grandmother to your swingers party. It’s going to end up getting really, really ugly.

6. Facebook Beatdown By Facebook

You know your life isn’t going well when Facebook knows your life is empty.

5. With a Name Like Chubbs McGee

While the birthday party uninvite at the end is a nice kicker, I’d like to make sure that the "I’m gonna keep living my awesome life while you try to think of words to write down to make yourself feel better" line doesn’t go unnoticed.

4. This Vanity URL Looks Awful Familiar

I’m not sure if snagging your friend’s vanity url actually qualifies as a "beatdown," but the friend’s over-the-top, freakout reaction makes it worthy of this list.

3. WWJBTCOO? (Who Would Jesus Beat The Crap Out Of?)

I don’t recall Jesus mentioning anything about "Beating the shit out of your enemies if they post faith-bashing videos on Youtube" in the Bible. But maybe I missed that part.

2. If There’s A Photo Of You On Facebook Dressed Like A Fairy and Wasted, Don’t Tell Your Bosses You Can’t Come To Work Because "Something Came Up"

I think this little email exchange (+picture) tells you everything you need to know.

1. So, Are You Bringing The Microwave Or What?

Bonus Fake Facebook Beatdown!

So, this guy who got caught skipping work via his Facebook status was proved to be a fake, but that only makes it a little less funny.

You spent a hard long day at work, fought rush-hour traffic the whole way home, and now that you’re finally in the sanctity of your living room you just want to relax and have a good time.

You crack open a beer but can’t seem to decide what you’d rather do: rock the plastic guitar or get your grind on with some online poker.

Finally, you won’t have to make this choice. In just a few relatively simple steps you can set up your Rock Band guitar as your very own wireless poker controller.

Here’s how you can get it done.

Step 1

Plug the guitar receiver into your computer. Your computer should automatically install the guitar, and it will even show up as a game controller (you can find a link to see those in your control panel).

You might have to hit the sync buttons. Also a good idea: make sure the guitar is turned on.

Step 2

You now have your guitar working as a game controller. Basically, this means the guitar will send commands to your computer.

You need your computer to translate these commands into keystrokes and then make those keystrokes execute specific commands in your poker software.

First, download and install this program:

http://www.windyhilltech.com/poker/ps/config.php#download

This program lets you to control your Full Tilt or PokerStars game windows using only your keyboard. You then need to set up a unique keyboard key (F keys recommended) for each poker command you want to use.

In total there are six commands which are important: Click Left Button, Click Middle Button, Click Right Button, Bet Pot, Bet All-In (or Max) and Time.

That’s it; you’ve just set up your commands for poker. Move on to step 3

Step 3

Now that you have your poker commands controlled by the keyboard, you need to bind the guitar buttons to the specific keyboard functions used.

You can use any program that lets you bind game controllers to keyboard keys, but we used Xpadder. You can get it here: http://xpadder.com/

Once you have Xpadder, you need to set it up. Follow the onscreen instructions initially until you get to the tabbed setup screen.

There you want to click on the buttons tab. Press the neck buttons on the guitar one at a time. Each time you press a button it should show up as a box in the pink screen.

Make sure to click and drag the boxes into the order you see them in on the guitar (buttons 1 and 4 will be swapped unless you manually move them).

You should have five squares on the screen. Now tilt the guitar up until a sixth square shows up. Drag that square up above the five squares.

Click on the DPad tab. Set up to the strummer strummed up, set right to the whammy bar and set down to the strummer going down. You don’t need to set left to anything at all.

Now click on finish and close. You should see six boxes and one big DPad plus sign on the screen. You want to click on each box and bind it to key you used in step 2.

Highly recommended: Setting the all-In bet to the Star Power position. Nothing is more awesome than moving all-in by doing a rock-star jumping windmill final note.

Now you’re set. Make sure you have Xpadder and Poker Shortcuts running, open your Full Tilt or PokerStars client and log on to a table.

For the software to work properly you need to have the poker table active, and the mouse hovering over top of the table but not over the chat box.

Now throw the strap over your head and power chord your way to poker glory.

Written by C. Coville

It’s no surprise that the world gets taken in by hoaxers and con men. They’re really good at what they do and most of us are bored enough to believe anything as long as it takes our mind off the cubicle for a while.

And even when the hoaxers get accused of fakery, we may still take their side. After all, those negative doubting types try to shoot down everything! Who cares what they say! What is harder to explain, though, is the times when the perpetrators of a hoax come out themselves and confess to the fakery… and people still go right on believing.

#5.The Surgeon’s Photograph of the Loch Ness Monster

This famous picture, which shows what looks like the head of a prehistoric creature emerging from the waves of Scotland’s Loch Ness, was allegedly snapped by gynecologist Robert Wilson in 1934. It soon became known as the "surgeon’s photograph," because searching for "gynecologist’s photograph" on Google Images will absolutely not result in finding this picture.

Before Dr. Vagina’s famous photo, the Loch Ness Monster had been limited to a few legends and scattered local sightings, which presumably accompanied spottings of highland prostitutes and grain alcohol. After the surgeon’s photo, however, the creature gained worldwide attention, despite the fact that Wilson himself denied the Loch Ness Monster even existed and insisted he had just taken a picture of some animal he didn’t recognize.

"Ooh, an animal I don’t recognize! Good thing I don’t believe in monsters or I would be shitting all over myself right now."

Monster sightings and photographs continued unabated in the area for the next 60 years until 1994, when a man named Christian Spurling finally confessed to the hoax. Spurling explained that his father-in-law Marmaduke Wetherall had staged the picture using a fake monster head attached to an 18-inch long toy submarine.

The whole ridiculous plan was an attempt to get back at his employer, a newspaper called the Daily Mail that had ridiculed him in a recent issue. Wetherall had Dr. Wilson submit the picture to give it more "respectability."

The original uncropped image, which is clearly a prehistoric beast and not a duck or a bathtub toy.

And Yet…

So that’s the end of the Loch Ness Monster, right?

Not even close. Die-hard cryptozoologists immediately dismissed Spurling’s hoax confession, insisting the resources that he described being used to make the fake monster didn’t exist in 1934 (fake monster heads would apparently not be invented until much later).

To this day, the Loch Ness Monster industry is thriving, and every few years there’s a new, expensive expedition setting out to find it. There was a 2003 BBC special that employed satellites and 600 separate sonar beams to try to track down the beast once and for all.

So Why Do They Still Believe?

The fact that there are "cryptozoologists" in the world (that is, people who specialize in tracking legendary creatures to prove they’re real) should tell you. There are people who have staked their reputations on the creature being real and depend on the income from books asserting such. It’s not so easy for somebody in that position to give in to the "wooden head glued to a toy submarine" theory.

Latest photograph of the monster.

If there were only some way to walk away from the theory and save face at the same time… oh, wait. Some Loch Ness Monster experts say the creature has probably now died. Due to global warming.

We should also point out that Loch Ness is located in an area where the other main attractions involve grim industrial sprawl and a dish made of ground sheep’s heart, so they’re going to promote the hell out of any mythical creature they can get their hands on. Scotland would probably be claiming Highlander as a true story if they thought they could get away with it.

#4.The Mummy’s Curse

Source.

In 1922, Howard Carter and his friends opened the tomb of the Pharaoh Tutankhamen in Egypt, unearthing rooms filled with magnificent treasures and igniting a surge of interest in Egyptology. Unfortunately, they also ignited a series of terrifying events that was almost immediately attributed to the "Pharaoh’s Curse."

Reports said there was an inscription on the wall of the gravesite that read "They who enter this sacred tomb shall swift be visited by wings of death." Sure enough, Lord Carnarvon, a member of the party who was originally sent to Egypt’s warm climate by his doctor because of his poor health, dropped dead days afterward from an infected mosquito bite.

"Ha ha, I’m a mosquito, and… fuck you.

That unfortunate incident likely cast a dubious shadow over any advice Lord Carnarvon’s doctor would offer anyone in the future because what fucking doctor tells you to go to Egypt if you’re under the weather.

At the moment of Carnarvon’s death, a blackout reportedly swept through Cairo, solidifying the notion of an ancient curse that newspapers around the world quickly picked up on.

Only one problem: the "curse" allegedly inscribed on the wall, never existed. It was apparently invented by one of the newspapers that covered the find. Records of curses have been found in other tombs, but evidently King Tut figured being buried in the sands of Egypt inside a giant stone crypt was enough to deter most people from fucking with his dead body.

So, combined with the fact that the curse physically is not there, and that most of Carter’s remaining party lived to a ripe old age, you’d suspect this one wouldn’t get much traction.

And Yet…

When artifacts from the tomb were on tour in the U.S. and one of the guards suffered a stroke, you guessed it: they blamed it on the curse. This was in the 1970s, 50 freaking years later.

The idea became so utterly entrenched that the concept of cursed Egyptian tombs and mummies is almost as much a cultural icon as the haunted house (count how many mummies you see among the Halloween decorations this year).

The curse has also inspired dozens of movies over the decades and countless dumbass Brendan Fraser one-liners.

Clearly, evil is at work here.

So Why Do They Still Believe?

Let’s face it, mummies are awesome. They are corpses left over from a culture that worshiped death and their internal organs are kept in jars carved with the heads of animals. That is metal as fuck, so it’s fun to believe they had all sorts of connections to the occult that we can only dream about.

Combine that with the whole "the ancient Mayans predicted the end of the world" theory and you realize that there’s something attractive about the idea that people way back when knew things we didn’t. Maybe it’s because we look around at a world full of inane Twitterings and TV shows about dating Flavor Flav, and find comfort in the idea that once up on a time, not only was the world less retarded, but they possessed wisdom so deep they could bend the rules of time and space.

Sure, it seems a little odd that mankind somehow forgot all this supernatural knowledge when it offers such a gigantic advantage to whoever has it. But that’s probably just because we aren’t believing hard enough.

#3.The Priory of Sion

The Priory of Sion, a secret society founded by crusaders at Jerusalem’s Mt. Zion, was pretty damn cool. Existing since the 11th century, it boasted members such as Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo and Master Splinter. The organization’s goals were to restore the ancient Merovingian dynasty to the throne in France, and also to be hardcore secretive and have members that were so famous people would still recognize them 900 years later.

Really, the only uncool thing about the Priory of Sion was that it didn’t exist.

In court in 1993, Pierre Plantard, a convicted con artist and Frenchman, confessed that he had created the organization in 1965 and named it after Mt. Sion near Annemasse, France, presumably as part of a pitch to ABC for a new prime time action series.

He went to extreme lengths to perpetuate his lie, hiring people to create medieval-looking documents and plant them in France’s national library. Why? Well, there was no Society of Creative Anachronism back then and Star Trek didn’t go on the air until 1966, so people had to make their own fun.

And Yet…

Nobody paid attention to Plantard’s confession. The forgeries had, by this time, been picked up and repeated in a 1982 book called The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, whose authors were fooled by the fake documents planted in the French library.

They insisted that the Merovingians were related to Jesus himself, an idea in turn picked up by Dan Brown for his novel The Da Vinci Code. One inexplicable Tom Hanks haircut later and there was no turning back.

So Why Do They Still Believe?

This sort of thing has the same attraction as any good conspiracy theory: the "I am special because I have secret knowledge the common sheeple never will!" principle.

How better to impress your dull traditional friends than revealing to them the suppressed truth that will totally blow their closed suburban minds? And you only had to spend six bucks in an airport bookstore to get it!

And, like any conspiracy theory, it’s difficult or impossible to disprove. After all, if you were a secret organization of the Priory’s caliber, couldn’t you just fake the fact that the documents were faked?

#2.The Fox Sisters

The other hoaxers here might have found themselves in over their heads, but at least they didn’t accidentally create their own religion. Which is what happened to Margaret, Kate and Leah Fox from upstate New York in the 19th century.

The Fox Sisters rightfully made it onto our list of the ballsiest con artist ever. The story goes that when the two younger sisters, Kate and Margaret, were children and living at home in the mid-19th century, banging noises started in their bedroom at night. Like any good parent, their mother assumed the noise in her young girls’ room was a ghost and not a sexual predator, so she communicated with the spirit by means of a code, who revealed that he was a man who had been murdered there and buried under the floor in the cellar.

Still, though, yikes. Bet that picture’s the only time those chicks were ever nailed if you know what we’re saying.

A search revealed no body, although one was eventually discovered in the walls more than 50 years later, leading us to wonder whether the banging was just some carpenter trying to get out.

The girls moved away after the haunting, but their reputation followed them. Under the direction of their sister Leah, they began holding seances in which they continued to communicate with the dead by means of rapping noises, and became hugely famous in the process.

Finally, on a specially booked stage at the New York Auditorium of Music in 1888, Margaret Fox confessed to the audience that she and her sisters produced the rapping noises themselves by cracking their knuckles and joints, which evidently in the dark sounds exactly like a ghost. Shunned by those around them after the admission, the girls drank themselves to death.

And Yet…

These famous (and completely faked) seances played a major part in the development of Spiritualism, an offshoot of Quakerism which believed in communication with the dead. It managed to gather over eight-million followers by the end of the 19th century, including Mary Todd Lincoln who held seances in the White House in an effort to communicate with her three dead sons.

So Why Do They Still Believe?

If you just read the sentence about Ms. Lincoln and her dead sons, you know the sad reason why people cling to something like this, no matter how ridiculous.

It’s not enough to believe in life after death, people need to believe the dead are at peace and that we can reach out to them as if they were just at the other end of a phone call. After all, Ouija boards are portable in way that Black Mass altars just aren’t.

"Dammit, it’s going to take like two hours to pack this thing up."

As any cult can tell you, personal tragedy and depression leaves people open to believe basically anything. Besides, it’s nice to think that if ghosts are around, they actually want to help rather than possess us, or fling plates at us, or fool us into giving them hitchhiking rides on lonely roads.

#1.Crop Circles

The phenomenon of those large circles of flattened crops mysteriously appearing in fields goes back to the 1970s, in Southern England. Soon it spread all over the world, with crop circles reported as far away as Australia, America and Japan. Various explanations were given, such as aliens, ball lightning and large-scale unregistered hootenannies.

Thousands of these crop circles were reported over the decades, gaining a massive following among UFO enthusiasts who worked tirelessly to try to decipher what was clearly messages from another world. After all, the perfect patterns could clearly not be replicated by, say, a couple of dumbasses in their spare time.

"Hey, Couple of Dumbasses. Good to meet you."

We’re sure the ufology community’s faces were red when, in 1991, pranksters Doug Bower and Dave Chorley from Southampton, England confessed to creating the original circles. They even demonstrated to journalists how they produced the perfect shapes by flattening them in the crops using planks and ropes, and crude surveying techniques.

The confession was prompted when Bower’s wife noticed unexplained high mileage on his car and began to suspect him of having an affair, though Cracked feels that after learning the truth–that Bower was actually going out at night with another man to flatten hectares of wheat–she may actually have wished that adultery was to blame.

And Yet…

Bower and Chorley found themselves widely ignored. After all, they didn’t confess to doing all the crop circles, right? Maybe they just started the prank and then real aliens came and joined in.

"Dude, we have got to get in on this."

Feverish study of the circles continued unabated, and M. Night Shyamalan even featured them in Signs, more than a decade later.

So Why Do They Still Believe?

As with the Fox Sisters and spiritualism, it goes beyond simply wanting to believe in invisible, transcendental beings. It’s believing in such beings who also are 1) wise communicators who care enough about us to want to reach out and 2) are not particularly dangerous or even effective at what they do.

These aliens aren’t blowing up the White House or shoving probes into Randy Quaid’s ass. They’re sneaking into our fields at night and quietly stamping down our wheat. The little guys are almost shy. Almost… afraid of us.

And really, isn’t that what we’re secretly hoping the universe turns out to be? A place full of intelligent aliens who care about us, but who immediately recognize that we can destroy them at any moment?

Written by SmartMoney

Don’t toss that busted iPod. Don’t just take those old books and CDs to a thrift store. These online outlets might give you cool cash for your castoffs.

The Department of Energy recently launched a "cash for refrigerators" program to encourage consumers to replace their old appliances with new, energy-efficient ones. Babies R Us now offers a 20% discount on cribs, strollers and other pieces of baby gear to customers who bring in used ones.

Other retailers will pay for your unwanted books, compact discs, DVDs, and old and broken iPods — without requiring you to purchase new ones.

However, unlike the government-run programs or in-store promotions, most of these services operate exclusively online. Consumers are required to mail in their items and then wait to be paid by check or PayPal. The draw is the convenience. For example, rather than lug your books to a used-book store, you can take them to the nearest post office or FedEx drop-off location. And with most services, shipping charges are paid by the retailer.

Of course, any business transaction conducted through the mail and on good faith comes with risks. You might be quoted a certain price for your stuff, but if the business deems your description inaccurate, that quote could change. Or the business might reject your items altogether and discard them unless you cover the return-shipping costs. And because these are all for-profit ventures that resell your items and pay the shipping costs, they are likely to offer you a lower price than you might get if you dealt directly with a buyer on eBay or Craigslist.

Still, if you’re looking for an easy way to clean out your bookshelves or entertainment center, these services might be worth a try. Just be sure to vet a company before putting your stuff in the mail. Check its Better Business Bureau rating. Anything lower than an A or B should raise a flag, says Michael Galvin, a spokesman for the BBB of Southeast Florida and the Caribbean.

If you see a lower grade, call the local BBB to find out why. The branch can tell you whether there’s a pattern of complaints about the business and point out other concerns. If there are registered complaints, check whether they have been resolved.

And before you send in your stuff, get an idea of what it’s worth and how that value compares with the company’s quote. The easiest way to do that is to check the selling prices of similar items on eBay, says Doug Norwine of Heritage Auction Galleries in Dallas.

Here are three businesses to consider:

1. Books

Run by McKenzie Books in Beaverton, Ore., Cash4Books.net will pay you between 57 cents and $120 per used book. How much you get depends on a book’s weight and retail value, how quickly it is expected to sell and how many copies are already in the company’s warehouse, says Crystalin Tadano, senior customer-service representative. The company specializes in college textbooks and technical books, which are more likely to pay top dollar than, say, paperback novels.

On average, sellers get about $20 per book, according to Tadano, though a recent check by SmartMoney yielded lower results. The personal finance and investing books we ran through the Cash4Books.net system would fetch about $5 at best (we were quoted $4.50 for "The Progressive Discipline Handbook: Smart Strategies for Coaching Employees," with CD-ROM, by Margie Mader-Clark and Lisa Guerin). Getting an online quote is easy. Just enter the book’s ISBN (international standard book number).

The perks: Shipping is paid by Cash4Books. You get free FedEx shipping if you sell five or more books. You can get paid by check or PayPal. If you choose the latter, you get a 3% bonus to offset the PayPal fees.

The fine print: Cash4Books will not accept books with tears to the cover or pages, major wear to the binding, missing or loose pages, water or other damage, or a strong odor. Writing, underlining or highlighting is OK as long as it appears to be on fewer than 20% of the book’s pages, but such blemishes might result in a reduction of the quoted price. If any books are not accepted, McKenzie will ship them back only at your expense.

Due diligence: The Better Business Bureau has registered nine consumer complaints about McKenzie over the past 36 months. All have been resolved. The company has an A rating.

2. CDs, DVDs and games

Do you have old CDs, DVDs and games gathering dust on your shelves? A Santa Barbara, Calif.-area company, Morninglory Music, which runs CashforCDs.com, will pay you between $1 and $3 per CD and DVD, and between $3 and $5 for each PlayStation, Xbox or Wii game, says Stan Bernstein, the company’s owner. How much you get depends on a disc’s title and condition.

The average customer gets between $4 and $20 for six CDs (the minimum number of discs you must ship to participate). Our experience was pretty much in line with that estimate. We were quoted $20 for two CDs, one DVD and three games (one each for PlayStation 2, Wii and Xbox), each in good or excellent condition. But we did strike out on the six other CDs we inquired about, which included INXS’ 1990 album "X" and Pearl Jam’s "Ten" from 1991.

CashforCDs.com isn’t currently buying them. Bernstein says there is an oversupply of certain CDs, with not much demand, a trend that isn’t likely to reverse.

The perks: You don’t need the cases. The company will send you a postage-paid mailer for the CDs and the front and back covers.

The fine print: For copyright purposes, the company requires the front and back covers of each CD, DVD or game.

Due diligence: Morninglory Music is rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau. It had one complaint within the past 36 months, and it has been resolved.

3. iPhones, Zunes and other small electronics

Don’t just toss your old or broken iPod, Zune or iPhone. Rapid Repair of Kalamazoo, Mich., will be happy to pay you for it. The company, which has been in business since 2004, specializes in repairing small electronics but also buys them from consumers to use for spare parts or to repair and resell as refurbished. How much you get for your unwanted gadget depends on its model and condition. You might get anywhere from $20 to $50 for an old iPod with a broken screen, if the device or its spare parts are in demand, says Ben Levy, the company’s owner. An iPhone 3G can fetch up to $200.

The perks: You can get cash for an item that you can’t otherwise sell or repair.

The fine print: Rapid Repair does not accept gadgets with liquid damage — a diagnosis few users can pronounce on their own — so you might end up sending in an iPod and getting nothing in return. Postage is paid by the seller, though given the size of the items, the cost is fairly low.

Due diligence: The company has an A rating with the BBB. All four companies filed against it in the past 36 months have been resolved.

This article was reported by Aleksandra Todorova for SmartMoney.

Written by thechive

A friend of mine actually works with the sender of this email at a large ad agency in Chicago, who sent the below farewell email this morning, company-wide and forwarded it to me.

Since you can’t click on the youtube link in the email, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuBRk6tjiUQ

Written by holytaco

Helping a girl move is like sitting through a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a clothespin on your ballsack:  it’s completely miserable, it hurts like hell, and you gain absolutely nothing from it.  Most girls have no idea how to move, which is why they’re asking for your help, and if you agree to help them then you’re willingly walking in to the shittiest day of your life.  If you’re not convinced yet, here are 7 specific reasons why you should never help a girl move:

It’s Going to Take Way More Than Two Hours

Girls are terrible at gauging the time it takes to do things.  This is why, if you make the mistake of going somewhere with a girl, you’re always going to be late.  She’s going to tell you that it’ll only take two hours to move her entire apartment.  She’s not deliberately lying to you on purpose. She just can’t tell how long things take to happen.  She has absolutely no idea how long it takes to curl her own hair, let alone load, transport, and unload the entire contents of a one-bedroom apartment.  Try not to be too harsh when you’re telling her that she’s completely bat-shit crazy.

You’re Going To Have To Drive The Moving Truck

One of the most terrible moving-related lies is the old "we can do it in one trip" line.  It doesn’t matter that she rented the biggest f*cking truck that U-Haul had to offer.  That just means that you’re going to have to drive that four-wheeled monstrosity back and forth across town for five hours while she sits in the passenger seat and bitches at you about how you need to be more cautious, because she didn’t get the insurance.  She may even claim that she’ll handle the driving, but the moment it’s time to back out of the driveway or take a sharp corner, it’ll be you behind the wheel for the rest of the day.  Also, you will hit something.  You will.

The Couch Is Not Going To Fit Up The Stairs

We hate referencing the tv show Friends for anything (unless it’s some kind of "What’s more gay?"-type argument) but when it comes to moving couches, they totally nailed it.  Staircase designers go to great lengths to ensure that stairwells are completely unsuitable for the transportation of couches.  That’s like the first thing they teach you in staircase-making school. You may make it up one or two flights of stairs, but this girl that you’re helping doesn’t live on the first or second floor of her new building.  She’s on the seventh floor, which means that your life is going to get about five times more miserable before you can even come back downstairs for the ridiculous collection of bookcases that she’s accumulated.  It’s best to just avoid the situation altogether.  Also, Ross is a pussy.

She Has Way More Shit Than She Thinks She Has

When girls are moving, they assess the amount of crap that they have like a self-conscious dude in a gang bang: they just awkwardly scan the room and consider only the things that are larger than they are.  If you ask a girl right now what she has in her living room, she’ll probably say she has a couch, a tv, and a coffee table.  I guarantee you that that’s about 1/30th of the contents of her living room.  It’s not her fault, and she’s not doing it on purpose.  She’s just not engineered to think about the tons and tons of useless shit she has scattered all over the place, because if she did then she would realize that she should just throw that shit away, and then she wouldn’t have all that junk, and then she wouldn’t be a girl, now would she?

You’re Worth More Than $7 Worth of Pizza and Beer

You’re about to spend an entire day lifting things that are way too heavy for you to be lifting, and you’re going to be doing that for way longer than you should.  You’re probably going to suffer some serious spinal damage, and you’re going to be pissed off the whole time, and the last thing you need is to be drunk while you’re doing that.  You think it’s hard to carry a futon matress when you’re perfectly sober?  Try doing it when you can’t even see straight.

She’s Not Going To Help You At All

When she asks you if you’ll help her move, what she’s really saying is, "Will you pack up all of my belongings, drive me to my new apartment, and then unpack all of that shit while I organize my bathroom medicine cabinet?" If you would answer "No f*cking way" to that question, then you’d better use the same answer for her request for moving help, because while you’re trying to cram her dead grandma’s antique china cabinet into a way-too-small "service" elevator, she’ll be making sure the forks look tidy in the silverware drawer.  That’s right: she’s not even going to use the f*cking 300-pound china cabinet to put the dishes in. In fact, there’s only one good reason to ever help a girl move, and unfortunately we’ve got some bad news for you:

She’s Not Going To Have Sex With You

That’s right: even after you’ve worked your ass off all day to carry every f*cking thing she owns up and down seven flights of stairs, she’s still not going to have sex with you.  Of course, she realizes that’s the possibility of a good post-moving bonerfest is the only reason why you’re helping her, so it’s in her best interest to cultivate the possibility of gratitude sex for the entirety of the ordeal.  Therefore, it will piss you off even more when she explains that she’s really tired from a long day of moving (read: hanging up her clothes in her closet while you tried to avoid being crushed by a credenza) and she just wants to go to sleep.  You will end this day exhausted, pissed off, horny, drunk, and with a f*cked up back problem that’ll take years to fix.  It’s all downhill from there, so just avoid it altogether and don’t ever help a girl move.