Written by holytaco

Helping a girl move is like sitting through a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a clothespin on your ballsack:  it’s completely miserable, it hurts like hell, and you gain absolutely nothing from it.  Most girls have no idea how to move, which is why they’re asking for your help, and if you agree to help them then you’re willingly walking in to the shittiest day of your life.  If you’re not convinced yet, here are 7 specific reasons why you should never help a girl move:

It’s Going to Take Way More Than Two Hours

Girls are terrible at gauging the time it takes to do things.  This is why, if you make the mistake of going somewhere with a girl, you’re always going to be late.  She’s going to tell you that it’ll only take two hours to move her entire apartment.  She’s not deliberately lying to you on purpose. She just can’t tell how long things take to happen.  She has absolutely no idea how long it takes to curl her own hair, let alone load, transport, and unload the entire contents of a one-bedroom apartment.  Try not to be too harsh when you’re telling her that she’s completely bat-shit crazy.

You’re Going To Have To Drive The Moving Truck

One of the most terrible moving-related lies is the old "we can do it in one trip" line.  It doesn’t matter that she rented the biggest f*cking truck that U-Haul had to offer.  That just means that you’re going to have to drive that four-wheeled monstrosity back and forth across town for five hours while she sits in the passenger seat and bitches at you about how you need to be more cautious, because she didn’t get the insurance.  She may even claim that she’ll handle the driving, but the moment it’s time to back out of the driveway or take a sharp corner, it’ll be you behind the wheel for the rest of the day.  Also, you will hit something.  You will.

The Couch Is Not Going To Fit Up The Stairs

We hate referencing the tv show Friends for anything (unless it’s some kind of "What’s more gay?"-type argument) but when it comes to moving couches, they totally nailed it.  Staircase designers go to great lengths to ensure that stairwells are completely unsuitable for the transportation of couches.  That’s like the first thing they teach you in staircase-making school. You may make it up one or two flights of stairs, but this girl that you’re helping doesn’t live on the first or second floor of her new building.  She’s on the seventh floor, which means that your life is going to get about five times more miserable before you can even come back downstairs for the ridiculous collection of bookcases that she’s accumulated.  It’s best to just avoid the situation altogether.  Also, Ross is a pussy.

She Has Way More Shit Than She Thinks She Has

When girls are moving, they assess the amount of crap that they have like a self-conscious dude in a gang bang: they just awkwardly scan the room and consider only the things that are larger than they are.  If you ask a girl right now what she has in her living room, she’ll probably say she has a couch, a tv, and a coffee table.  I guarantee you that that’s about 1/30th of the contents of her living room.  It’s not her fault, and she’s not doing it on purpose.  She’s just not engineered to think about the tons and tons of useless shit she has scattered all over the place, because if she did then she would realize that she should just throw that shit away, and then she wouldn’t have all that junk, and then she wouldn’t be a girl, now would she?

You’re Worth More Than $7 Worth of Pizza and Beer

You’re about to spend an entire day lifting things that are way too heavy for you to be lifting, and you’re going to be doing that for way longer than you should.  You’re probably going to suffer some serious spinal damage, and you’re going to be pissed off the whole time, and the last thing you need is to be drunk while you’re doing that.  You think it’s hard to carry a futon matress when you’re perfectly sober?  Try doing it when you can’t even see straight.

She’s Not Going To Help You At All

When she asks you if you’ll help her move, what she’s really saying is, "Will you pack up all of my belongings, drive me to my new apartment, and then unpack all of that shit while I organize my bathroom medicine cabinet?" If you would answer "No f*cking way" to that question, then you’d better use the same answer for her request for moving help, because while you’re trying to cram her dead grandma’s antique china cabinet into a way-too-small "service" elevator, she’ll be making sure the forks look tidy in the silverware drawer.  That’s right: she’s not even going to use the f*cking 300-pound china cabinet to put the dishes in. In fact, there’s only one good reason to ever help a girl move, and unfortunately we’ve got some bad news for you:

She’s Not Going To Have Sex With You

That’s right: even after you’ve worked your ass off all day to carry every f*cking thing she owns up and down seven flights of stairs, she’s still not going to have sex with you.  Of course, she realizes that’s the possibility of a good post-moving bonerfest is the only reason why you’re helping her, so it’s in her best interest to cultivate the possibility of gratitude sex for the entirety of the ordeal.  Therefore, it will piss you off even more when she explains that she’s really tired from a long day of moving (read: hanging up her clothes in her closet while you tried to avoid being crushed by a credenza) and she just wants to go to sleep.  You will end this day exhausted, pissed off, horny, drunk, and with a f*cked up back problem that’ll take years to fix.  It’s all downhill from there, so just avoid it altogether and don’t ever help a girl move.