From AskReddit

1.

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

2.

Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.

3.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4.

my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s

5.

Two whales walk into a bar and sit down.
The first one says to the other: “OOoooooOOOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOoo” (important that you make whale noises here for a while)
The second one replies: “Frank, you’re drunk.”

6.

A priest, pedophile, and rapist goes into a bar
he sits down and orders himself a drink

7.

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

8.

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

9.

‘I’m Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.’ ‘Homer Simpson, smiling politely.’ This, to me, is the greatest subtle joke ever in The Simpsons.

10.

A fireman storms into a packed conference room wielding one of those large fire axes.
“Everyone, This is not a drill!”

11.

in Heaven, the cops are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the lovers are Italian, and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
In Hell, the cops are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians.

12.

Don’t tease fat kids, they have enough on their plates.

Bonus: A hell of a business card.