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35. If you have crushing chest pain, call 911 first.Then chew some aspirin.I work in cardiology.Then ask someone to help get the anvil off your chest.I work at ACME.If you see someone with an anvil on their chest, don’t help; they want to eat you.Beep at them and run away.I am a roadrunner.
36. Secretaries, tech support and janitors are the true power in office buildings.Make friends, remember birthdays and you can get anything you need or go anywhere you need.Janitor here, I got so many fucking master keys I don’t know how to keep them all straight.So the main boss at work one day starts freaking out and demanding an audit of who has what keys and all key assignments have to be justified, etc. (by Tuesday afternoon) and he starts to give a rash of shit to the guy that been there forever and starts to badger him why he has the keys that he does.These we not masters by any stretch, but keys to parts of the building and remote sites that he needed.So of course the gruff ancient guy comes back with the whole ‘janitors have master keys and they live here and sleep here after hours’ but when that wasn’t getting him anywhere he finally came back with: ‘Listen, I’ve been here for 15+ years now, I already stole everything that needed!’Better advice would be that being nice is only on a by person basis. Also, Purchasing and HR.
37. When receiving a call from a solicitor, simply press 9; the call will be dropped and your phone number is then put on the companies do not call list.95% of companies support this feature.I love it.
38. To get through tech support quickly with an ISP, choose the option for becoming a new customer.Then when you get there ask to transfer to tech support.Usually they won’t put you on hold because they see the number coming from the new customer line.That works just about everywhere.Especially well with airlines.In what situation would you want to call the airline’s tech support?Probably not a situation you want to be in.”hello? Yes…I’m cruising at 32k feet and noticed the left engine fell off…is it possible to change flights?””Hello? Hi. Yes, there appears to be something on the wing. Can I speak to tech support?””Sir, please turn your cell phone off while in flight”
39. I know this works in California, so I call upon you to test it out elsewhere: If you receive a parking ticket and it has been less than an hour since it was administered, immediately call the number on the ticket to contest it. The call will go through a series of automated questions – you want to answer these questions based on the premise that your car had overheated, and that you only parked where you did out of necessity. Then go to either a convenience store of a gas station or an automotive shop of any kind (has to be one of these two) and by a bottle of water. When you submit your formal petition via mail, include the receipt for the water that you bought and explain that your car had overheated. The ticket will be waived. It has worked for me every time.
40. Easy splinter removal: dip the splintered body part in some Elmer’s glue, let it dry, remove glue with splinter.Easy lawn care: Pour “beer” (Bud Light, Coors, etc) on the lawn.Fermented sugars make great fertilizer.Easy broken glass clean up: Get the tiny pieces up with a piece of bread, the consistency and texture picks up even the smallest shard.
41. If you need to briefly turn the light on at night and don’t want to completely lose your night vision, keep one eye closed.Same reason pirates wore an eyepatch!Arrgh.A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!””Arrh – Not at ‘tall.” the pirate replies, “I be fine.” The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.””Arrh!,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really.””Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.””Aye,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really.””Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.” “Arrh,” says the pirate, “One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them–arrgh, he, pooped–in me eye.””So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from that!””‘Twas me first day with me hook.”
42. Try to put yourself in as many socially awkward situations as possible.You will be desensitized to it which makes you more outgoing.
43. Sprinkle some salt on your napkin coaster at the bar..your beer won’t stick to it EVERY FUGGIN TIME….Girls hate a guy who can’t keep his napkin coaster shit in order.Waitresses hate a guy who sprinkles salt all over the table.
44. Don’t announce that you are having a kid till the second trimester.This is certainly good advice for friends and acquaintances, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable to share that information with your family and very close friends.If you do happen to lose it, they are going to be the ones to help you get through it.And you always should tell the father, if he’s still around.
45. Probably nobody will see this, but anyway…If you get brain freeze from eating something cold too quickly, press your tongue against the roof of your mouth as hard as you can.Voila, instant brainfreeze relief.
46. rainymood.com and simplynoise.com are the cheatcodes for studying/working without distraction.A friend of mine told me about a better one! Give it a try.I recommend None on the first, Bonfire, Ocean, Rain and Thunder on the others.
47. Have confidence.Chicks dig confidence.And if you have no confidence, fake it.It won’t take long to see that it works and then your fake confidence becomes real.Ah, the magic of bullshit.Best Advice right here.This is exactly how I turned my life around 10 years ago. I woke up one day and decided to pretend to be confident. I looked everyone in the eye and spoke a bit louder and smiled a lot. I stopped breaking eye contact with girls and I promoted my achievements at work. In that first years I met a new woman who became my wife, got a great job that I am still loving, moved from a tiny two room apartment to a 3000 sq foot house. I have great kids and a happy life.I was borderline suicidal when I started the experiment.I don’t even think about it now. I became what I pretended to be. Confident and happy. I don’t have to fake it anymore.This is why I pretend to be a tiger.This is exactly how I turned my life around 10 years ago. I woke up one day and decided to pretend to be a tiger. I walked on all fours and growled and ate a few people. I stopped talking to girls and quit going to work. Now I have a great life on the savannah that I am still loving.I was borderline normal when I started the experiment. I don’t even think about it now. I became what I pretended to be. Also I can type with my paws.
48. Never bring anything in to work.That way, when you leave (ie, earlier than usual) it doesn’t look like you’re leaving for the day.
49. socks are lube for pants.Bunch sock onto thumbs, then pull sock onto feet as women do stockings.
50. never renew your car insurance with the price offered……..call your provider and say you will leave if it is not reduced further.
51. If you rear a bear from birth you can walk through dark alleys without fear in 4-5 years.Then you die from high-fives and hugs.Better than .45s and thugs.This is already sounding like the best rap song I’ve heard.Not because you own a 5-year-old bear, but because after rearing a bear, you won’t be afraid of anything.Or because cleaning up after that goddamn bear for the last five years has made you crave the sweet release of death.
52. In the UK: Dial 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 for emergency services.
53. 1st Date Cheat Code for MEN: Never tell a girl where you’re going or how to dress. Instead, tell her to “dress for a first date with a guy she really likes”. Now, pick three places you’d like to go: someplace fun and active (bowling, pool, mini golf, go-kart racing, ballgame, etc), something romantic and classy (nice restaurant, upscale lounge, art gallery opening) and something in between (nice bar, coffee shop, comedy club). Now, when you pick her up, let the way she’s dressed decide which you’re going to do: If she’s wearing something sexy and revealing (dress, high heels, low cut top, etc.) than she wants to go somewhere classy and romantic. If she’s sporting some jeans, tennis shoes or flip-flops, and a tee, the bowling ally or pool hall may be a good bet. If she’s wearing jeans, high heeled boots, and nice top or blouse, than she’s not really jonesing for the super romance treatment, and she put in more effort than mini golf deserves (eighteen holes of mini golf in heels… seriously?), so a comedy club or some place with live music is a good choice. And never, EVER, do a movie on the first date! EDIT: Men: You’re going to wear a pair of CLEAN, NEAT jeans, a pressed stylish LONG sleeve button down shirt, nice shoes or boots (try to avoid tennis shoes of sneakers). Works for ANY occasion!This might be the best dating advice I’ve ever read.It’s such a creative way to manage figuring out what to do on a first date.Too bad I’m over 550 lbs and can’t use my legs IRL.(Are you really?According to Wolfram Alpha that’s the weight of 3.4 men.)Yeah, really.My friends torture me by getting me blazed and placing 5 large stuffed cheese pizzas just out of reach.I struggle for hours in an attempt to reach it, burning over 500 calories in the process.However, it’s counterbalanced by the 30,000 calories of stuffed pizza I eat when I finally get them.Appendix 1:Old jeans and college sweater – sports bar followed by a house party. Vintage clothing – Faux dive bar and tattoo parlor Miniskirt and leggings – quiet cafe that turns into a wine bar after 4pm Short black wig, man’s white shirt and cocaine in her purse – 1950s theme diner Cocktail dress with a small handgun tucked into her garter – Opening night at a casino, challenge her to playful game of high-stakes baccarat. Blood-stained clown costume – Chuck E Cheese Tank top, sweat pants and tells you to help yourself to some ice tea while she is in the bathroom – Get out of there, Chris Hansen is around the corner.Tank top, sweat pants and tells you to help yourself to some ice tea while she is in the bathroom – Get out of there, Chris Hansen is around the corner…and sheriff’s deputies in the rose bushes outside.You’re screwed already.
54. Dual blind date cheat code:Dad tells a story of he and a buddy taking two nursing students on a dual blind date to a drive-in movie. Eventually the girls say they’re going to go to the bathroom, naturally to compare notes. The guys offer to go first and make sure there aren’t any creeps hanging around the bathroom. The guys go have a look, smoke a cigarette, and head back to the car. “The coast is clear.” The girls then go off to the ladies’ room.The guys then listen to the tape recorder hidden under the seat of the car.Edit: Not everyone understood where the recorder was hidden. (You flunk spy school.)WOW.Both inspiring and creepy at the same time…