Monthly Archives: December 2010

8 Things You May Not Have Known About Firefly

Written by furiousfanboys

It’s been 8 years since Captain Mal and his crew flew off our screens for the last time. Even after almost a decade, Browncoats still turn out in droves for cons and events like Can’t Stop the Serenity. So whether you’re a long time fan or a newcomer to the series, here are 8 things you may not have known.

The Alliance troopers believe in ‘Reuse, Reduce, Recycle.’

The armor that the troopers wear is from the 1997 Starship Troopers film. The only modification is a purple paint job. After Firefly went off the air, the armor was once again repurposed for the Starship Troopers sequel in 2004.

Also, the sonic gun that is used in the episode “Trash” was reused by Joss Whedon. In Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, it became Dr. Horrible’s Death Ray.

“That’s not my name!”

Wash’s full name Hoban Washburne and is only given away in the novelization of the film Serenity. As for Shepard Derrial Book, his real name, as well the rest of his mysterious past, is revealed in Serenity: A Shepherd’s Tale to be Henry Evans.

Most of the names of minor characters are from real people

Jubal Early, the bounty hunter from “Objects in Space,” is named for Nathan Fillion’s ancestor who was a general in the Civil War. A lot of other character names come from sci-fi notables, such as Bester, the original mechanic of Serenity, who was named for author Alfred Bester and Brennert who was named for producer Alan Brennert.

Nathan Fillion keeps the show alive on Castle

There are numerous references to Firefly on Castle. The most recognizable would be when Nathan Fillion’s character Rick Castle dressed up like a “space cowboy” for the Halloween episode in the second season.  Other references include direct lines, like “I was aiming for his head” in the second season episode “Boom!,” or recalling skills learned on the set of Firefly, such as in the third season episode “Last Call” where Castle mentions he learned Chinese “at his last job.”

Han Solo had a cameo in the show

Well, more like 14 cameos. In every episode of Firefly, the cast and crew managed to hide a Han Solo in Carbonite toy in one scene. For example, in the episode “Jaynestown,” the toy can be found behind the mudder’s bar. It can also be found behind Mal while he’s cleaning his weapons in “Heart of Gold” and in the engine room when Kaylee is in her hammock in “The Message.”

The ‘Verse was well-populated with visitors from other sci-fi series

During the play in “Heart of Gold,” many famous space ships can be seen taking off from the Earth That Was. The Enterprise NCC-1701 from Star Trek, the Tantive IV rebel blockade runner from Star Wars and the Colonial Viper from Battlestar Galactica can all be seen carrying passengers away from the dying planet.

The ship Serenity was built full-scale

Most of Serenity was completely constructed to full-scale, but split into an upper half and a lower half. The cabin, front corridor, kitchen, rear corridor and engine room were built on one sound stage while the hold, med bay, lounge and passenger compartments were built on a second sound stage. It was so comfortable, that the cast would relax in the ship’s lounge between takes, rather than use the green room.

It’s still getting shout-outs

In 2009, Google released a real-time collaborative editing online framework called Wave. The name is based on characters in Firefly sending ‘waves,’ or messages, to others. Recently, the popular sci-fi show Fringe had an episode titled “Firefly” after the show was moved to Fox’s famed ‘Friday Night Death Slot.’  The CBS show The Big Bang Theory also references Firefly, such as in the season three episode “The Staircase Implementation,” where Sheldon has Leonard sign an agreement to always reserve Friday nights for watching Firefly, as the show is “going to be on forever.”

Bonus: Apple Emulator

Facebook vs. Twitter

Though the overall users bases are substantially different, the rest of the numbers concerning the two services are strikingly similar. What is interesting to note is, as we wrote about a couple of weeks ago, many more people tend to log in to their Facebook account regularly.

A bit of a note to you who might be considering advertising via either of the services — Though fewer people follow brands on Twitter than on Facebook, those who follow on Twitter are nearly 18 percent more likely to purchase something from that brand than those who follow a brand on Facebook.

How does Twitter stack up against Facebook when it comes to demographics and online activity? Digital Surgeons, an online marketing agency, has put together an infographic comparing the Facebook population to the Twitter population, and it shows that while the two are similar in many respects in terms of age, income and so on, there are also some crucial differences of interest to marketers and others looking to mine the data and pick a favorite platform. Among the biggest differences are that Twitter users seem to be more active, but less interested in following brands.

Here are a few of the key findings represented in the infographic, which was based on data from a Barracuda Networks survey as well as an analysis from Razorfish and other demographic breakdowns from a number of sources (although the data on Twitter in particular is a little old — the service now has 190 million users).

  • 88 percent of people are aware of Facebook, while 87 percent are aware of Twitter
  • 12 percent of Facebook users update their status every day vs. 52 percent for Twitter
  • males make up 46 percent of Facebook users, and 48 percent of Twitter
  • 30 percent access Facebook via mobile vs. 37 percent for Twitter
  • 40 percent follow a brand on Facebook vs. 25 percent on Twitter
  • 70 percent of Facebook users are outside the U.S. vs. 60 percent for Twitter

The Lonely Island: I Just Had Sex (feat. Akon)

Another Hilarious Track

Who could ever forget the first Lonely Island single featuring T-Pain (“I’m On A Boat”) that took over parties everywhere? No one. Well here’s the first single off of The Lonely Island’s second album, and although it isn’t as good as “I’m On A Boat” it’s still pretty funny and is always great to see rappers doing videos like this. Enjoy!

“This one’s dedicated to them girls that let us flop around on top of them.”

The Lonely Island – I Just Had Sex (feat. Akon) [iTunes]

10 Most Devious Street Cons & How to Avoid Them

Written by

Everyone thinks they’re too smart to fall for a scam until it happens to them. No matter how sure you are that you can spot a con, sometimes it just takes you by surprise. It doesn’t have to be a flashy stock market swindle; it can happen when you’re just walking down the street. Street con artists have worked for years at perfecting money-making scams, and they still get away with it.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to become paranoid, or you’d never leave the house! But there are some common scams that are worth looking out for, and some simple solutions to avoid being played for a chump.

10. The Pig in a Poke

The Con:

A simple trick dating back hundreds of years, the Pig in a Poke involves selling an item on the street, but switching the container so the buyer ends up with nothing. Originally, this involved convincing the gullible customer that a bag contained a delicious pig, when it actually contained a worthless cat. Though it seems archaic, versions of this trick are still practiced today. The street seller shows the mark their product, but exchanges the package after the sale is made.

How to avoid it:

Don’t buy things on the street as a general rule of thumb. If you do, make sure you’ve been given what you paid for. Especially if it’s a pig.

9. Art Student Scam

The Con:

You are on the street and are approached by young people claiming to be art students, selling their wares to make some extra cash for their studies. In reality, the artworks are very cheap copies and their production costs a fraction of the asking price. A particular version of the scam has been used in China, where tourists are lured to an exhibition and sold paintings at high prices.

How to avoid it:

Be careful when approached to buy goods on the street. Always be sure of what you’re paying for. If you’re a tourist, don’t get conned into making unwanted purchases through guilt or cultural embarrassment.

8. The Melon Drop

The Con:

A simple trick, where the scammer intentionally bumps into someone on the street, dropping a pre-damaged item, and then insists they pay compensation. The aim is to convince the victim that they are at fault. The name of the con comes from the practice of conning Japanese tourists into paying for a dropped watermelon, at disproportionately high prices.

How to avoid it:

If you collide with a stranger, you’ll know whether it was accidental and whether payment is justified. Be polite but reasonable, and don’t immediately take the blame. Oh, and keep an eye on current melon prices.

7. Distract and Grab

The Con:

The most fundamental of street cons, but an effective one. This one can take place on a busy street. One con artist creates a distraction, perhaps by causing a commotion or talking to the victim. Their accomplice takes advantage of this diverted attention to pick your pocket. There are many variants, and they all employ misdirection, so you don’t realize anything is wrong until too late.

How to avoid it:

It’s difficult to remain vigilant at all times, but try to be aware of what’s going on around you, particularly in areas where pickpockets are known to operate.

6. The False Good Samaritan Con

The Con:

This trick relies on presenting the appearance of helpfulness, when in reality the con artist is profiting from the charade. A popular version of this scam involves two con artists working together. The first poses as a mugger, stealing the victim’s wallet. The accomplice then plays a hero, ‘rescuing’ the stolen item from the mugger and returning it to its owner. The aim is to receive a reward, which can then be split between the two tricksters.

How to avoid it:

You don’t want to mistrust every good deed, but make sure you stay alert and look out for acts that seem suspicious. There may be genuine heroes in the world, but they’re usually in costumes.

5. Street Mechanic

The Con:

A stranger approaches a car owner with some helpful advice: something is wrong with their vehicle. It’s a problem that’s expensive to fix, but luckily the stranger has the mechanical know-how to fix the problem themselves. What the victim doesn’t know is that the stranger has created the illusion of the fault themselves (usually by something as simple as sitting on the bumper). After they’ve rectified the ‘problem’, the scammer asks for a relatively small amount of money. After all, they’ve saved the motorist hundreds of dollars!

How to avoid it:

Make sure any car trouble is checked over by a trusted source or professional mechanic. Be wary of strangers that just happen to be around in the right place at the right time.

4. Zig Zag Scam

The Con:

This scam is often pulled on tourists, and involves authorities accusing people of committing a crime. The victim is then held for the offense until a large sum of money is paid as ‘bail’. Fake CCTV footage is sometimes used to provide further ‘evidence’ of the crime. It is sometimes known as the Thai Zig Zag scam, as it has been frequently reported in Bangkok.

How to avoid it:

As this scam can be perpetrated by the authorities, it is difficult to prepare for. If you’re a tourist, it is best to make sure you’re accompanied by a trusted guide, to ensure that any danger spots are avoided.

3. The Fiddle Game

The Con:

The success of the Fiddle Game as a con relies on the greed of the victim. The most famous example of the trick takes place in a restaurant. A con artist claims to be unable to pay for his meal, but leaves a violin as collateral while he goes to get money. While he’s gone, his accomplice claims to be an expert on the valuation of the instrument, and offers to pay a large price for it. The hope is that the mark will offer to buy the violin from the original owner with the aim of selling it for a higher price. But by the time the purchase is made, both scammers are gone, free to share the money, and the mark is left with a worthless fiddle.

How to avoid it:

Unless you’re in some kind of violin emergency, it’s probably best not to buy one in a restaurant. But seriously, beware of overly happy coincidences.

2. Three-card Monte

The Con:

One of the most familiar street cons, and yet one that continues to take people in. The gullible bystander is asked to gamble on being able to spot the odd card out, after the cards have been rearranged. The con artist often uses shills to make it appear that winning the game is possible. But through sleight of hand and misdirection, the con artist can make sure the desired card is never found.

How to avoid it:

If you don’t play, you can’t lose.

1. The Pigeon Drop

The Con:

A trick that requires fooling someone into giving up money with the lure of prospective gain. The con artist convinces the mark that they should pool their resources with the promise of a larger haul down the road. But the money is switched out, and the greedy victim is left with nothing. There are a number of variants, sometimes involving convincing the mark to take off with the ‘money’ when they’re really escaping from the actual thief.

How to avoid it:

Always be suspicious of lucrative deals offered by strangers. As the old saying goes, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Bonus: Facebook Password Trick


One of the saddest things I’ve ever read…

A letter to my dead girlfriend – m4w

Date: 2009-10-25, 1:36PM CDT

It has been a rough year darling. The ethereal power of Craigs List will get this message to you I am sure, like in some sort of cheesy 80s movie.

Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Italian place in Wicker Park, who on the surface seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 25th which went well, your ladies are on top form and I think some engagements are brewing. Ellen is turning up the heat on Steve who will soon be forced down to one knee as you predicted.

Last weekend I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take your what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favor to me than anything else. Liz cried when we pulled out all of your shoes, Miranda joined in and then Catherine broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by three crying girls. I made a joke about them crying for joy at the prospect of some free Manolo Balhniks which they didn’t seem to find very funny.

A few girls have put the moves on and as you know picking up women is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving boyfriend seems to be a good angle. Who knew! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor girl. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now.

I found one of those hair tie things that somehow managed to squeeze into every crevice in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out.

Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us in Paris, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me.



  • Location: Michigan and Wacker
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1437101323


Top 10 Gifts NOT To Buy Your Girlfriend / Wife

Written by stephaniem

Tis’ the season to be stressed out because you have absolutely no idea what gift to get that special lady friend, but I’m here to help. I am an expert in getting horrendous gifts and completely freaking out on the inconsiderate jerkbag that decided a Sham Wow was the way to go this Christmas.

I have compiled a list to assist! Below you will find the top things to ensure you have a happy, knife-wound free holiday with that special bitch in your life. Take note guys, these will save you a trip to the emergency room and/or divorce court. Share!

10. Any Special / On Sale Jewelry

Please for the love of all that is good and fashionable…stop buying heart-shaped pendants with matching earrings and bracelets, fellas. I know the abundance of lame jewelry store ads make cheap, bad necklaces seem like the right thing to do, but…it isn’t. How about you try planning for Christmas before December 24th, save your dough and buy her something she deserves and not from some mall jeweler that believes rings shaped like two hearts hugging are in fashion.

9. Electronics

Women don’t care about the latest and greatest from — we understand you guys want your iTouch, iPhones and iPads, but giving us electronics is a ginormous iFuckingLoatheYou right to the face. We don’t care if our television is LCD or if we have a blue tooth for our drive home. We know it’s for you anyway and honestly, most of us don’t even know what any of that electronic crap does. We want pretty, nice things, not something that will distract you from sexing us up later or doing the laundry. Stop being so selfish, asshole.

8. Kitchen Supplies

I swear to Jesus if you don’t know the non-kitchen supply rule by now, you deserve to be cheated on. The last thing your woman wants to open up on Christmas morning is a reminder of the huge meal she has to prepare all by herself (mainly because your lazy ass is already drunk on eggnog) and no device you buy her from Williams-Sonoma is going to make her personal hell any easier to swallow. Maybe you should stick a bottle of vodka in her stocking so she can forget what a fucktarded cockbag she married.

7. Lingerie

You don’t know our size and you sure as hell don’t know what looks good on us. I understand that nothing turns you guys on more than some lacy, red thing you see in the window of your local Frederick’s shop, but trust me, guys, bad move. I’m okay with dressing up like a skank for my man, but some women find it demeaning (uptight bitches); I don’t know if a conversation about how the only reason you bought her this slutty outfit is because you’re addicted to porn is one best served chilly and in front of the Christmas tree.

6. Exercise Equipment

I don’t care if your chunkalicious wife keeps mentioning how bad she wants to get in shape and she needs a treadmill – she will hate you forever if you stick that baby under the tree. It’s one thing to encourage her big booty to get to the gym and work off her “baby weight” (even though your kids are in college), but it’s another to stick something under the tree that screams “I agree, Biggie! You need to slim that fat ass down!” Plus, you know she won’t use it, it will collect dust and will just cause fights about how tired she is and how you don’t help out when you bring up that she doesn’t use it anymore.

5. Car Related Items

GP…what? I have no sense of direction, but I don’t give a damn if I’m late and/or if my boyfriend gets upset. Buying her anything for her car isn’t for her…it’s for you. She doesn’t care that her car is messy. She doesn’t use that sunshield thingy you bought her for Valentine’s Day and she certainly won’t use one of those snow brush devices to scrape off ice because she will lose it in the mess of her car and just end up scraping her windows with a credit card like she’s done since she was 16.

4. Beauty Supplies

I know you guys see the piles and piles of anti-aging cream and exfoliating scrubs in the bathroom, but resist the urge to participate. If we unwrap anything that even indicates we look older than 30 you will get a death stare followed by a flood of tears and the ever-so-popular “No, I love it, honey. Thanks. Sniffle.” Buy her a gift certificate to a spa or Sephora. Don’t try to be a plastic surgeon.

3. A Stripper Pole

This has happened. My friend took a stripper class to get into shape and her husband shoved a pole under the tree the next year. WE AREN’T GOING TO THOSE CLASSES FOR YOU, DUMB ASS. I know you’re just dying to see what we are up to and you wanna see your lady’s new-found talents, but installing one of these in your house will only ensure your disappointment when you realize she sucks. Plus she will have all the ammo she needs to start accusing you of going to strip clubs all the time and not being happy with the “real” woman in your life.

2. Anything from Walgreens

I don’t care if it’s candy, stuffed animals or candles. We will know. That place has a distinct, weird smell and the second we open that wrapping paper it will waft out. Plus, most everything there is crap and literally has “As Seen on TV” on the box. Again, I don’t care if they are the only store open on Christmas Eve; plan better, idiot.

1. Pictures of Yourself

I get that you are trying to be romantic here, but if we want to show your grubby mug in our office, we will snap a pic, print it out and frame it. This gift screams cheap and insecure. Are you that narcissistic to go through the pictures, find the one that you look the most handsome in and then give it to your sweetie? If so, how about you buy her a camera and you get some therapy, egomaniac.

Bonus: Filmography 2010

Facebook Profile Picture Hack Tutorial

Written by Alexia Tsotsis

Since French artist Alexandre Oudin took advantage of the new Facebook design to express himself, we’ve been seeing some creative ways to mess with your (and your friends’) profile pictures. As we predicted, Oudin’s hack has inspired other users to play around with their profile to pretty interesting effect. And for those of you that don’t want to trial and error around with the 532 px by 180 px and 97 by 68 px image limitations, photographer Florian Stravock has made the above Photoshop tutorial to help you perfectly execute on your super profile pic. Abridged steps, below:

1) Take a screenshot of your current Facebook page.

2) Create a new Photoshop doc.

3) Grab the Slice tool (same family as the Crop tool) and select around the pictures.

4) With the Marquee tool, select around the sliced areas.

5) Bring the image that you want on Facebook into Photoshop and position it roughly the way you want it.

6) Drag the image layer under the Facebook layer and refine your positioning.

7) Go to “File,” select “Save for web and devices,” select all your document area, click “Jpeg, set the quality to 100% and save. Under slices select “All user slices.”

8) Upload your pictures to Facebook and tag them from last to first. When you get to the first picture click “Make this my profile picture.”

You can download Stravock’s Photoshop document here. Don’t have Photoshop or too lazy to sit through a tutorial? TechCrunch reader Trevor Farbo has created a profile picture generator that allows you to get the same effect in half the time.

Check out more reader customizations here and upload your own works of Internet art in the comments.

Bonus:10 Creative Uses of the New Facebook Profile

The Top 20 Internet Lists of 2010

Collected by nerve

Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber, animals that don’t have asses, and 18 others. In convenient list form!

John Mayer

1) The 15 Douchiest John Mayer Quotes

Nerve readers love talking about how douchey John Mayer is almost as much as they like arguing about pubic-hair styling. In other words, a lot.

Cats in Sweaters

2) 109 Cats in Sweaters

Ten cats in sweaters isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? One hundred cats in sweaters.

Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

3) 25 Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

A recent list celebrating 2010 as “The Year of the Lesbian” started with Jane Lynch’s wedding — followed by “lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.” The rise to super-stardom of a sixteen-year-old boy with lesbianic bangs seems like a weak victory for gay women. But it’s a huge coup for the list community.


4) 23 Cheerful Ditties About Murder, Death, and the Apocalypse

We’re all going to die. But as these musicians show, that’s no reason to be gloomy.

Animals That Don't Give a Fuck

5) 6 Animals That Just Don’t Give a Fuck

This list teaches us about the honey badger — probably the cutest li’l furball you’ve ever seen. Until it rips out your fucking throat.

Types of Bitches

6) The 90 Types of Bitches

This list may not be verisimilitudinous (look it up), but it’s very thorough. It takes a true mind to recognize the distinction between Buck-toothed Bitches and Cheesy-Teeth Bitches.

50 Worst States in America

7) The 50 Worst States in America

Every state has its problems. But Arizona really blows. Not even its iced tea tastes good.

Terrifying Celebrity Face Swaps

8) 7 Terrifying Celebrity Face Swaps

A “celebrity face swap” is when you take the face of one celebrity and Photoshop it onto another, creating a humorous effect. It’s not generally considered a productive way to spend an afternoon.

Pre-Gaga Meat Outfits

9) 14 Pre-Gaga Meat Outfits

Historians take note: Lady Gaga is not the true originator of raw-meat clothing, merely its popularizer. The true honor belongs to the bacon-bra people.

Best Nude Moments in Old-School Nintendo Games

10) The 11 Best Nude Moments in Old-School Nintendo Games

If you squint, she looks like a very pixelated version of the girl from Total Recall. And you can totally see her butt.

Greatest Four Loko Tributes

11) The 10 Greatest Four Loko Tributes

Last Friday, Four Loko as we knew it disappeared forever. American college students will now be forced to obtain their alcohol and caffeine fixes from separate beverages.

Mugshots of Actual Hoes from Ludacris' Area Codes

12) 11 Mugshots of Actual Hoes from Ludacris’ Area Codes

This might be the heaviest list on the list. But, someone listened to all of Ludacris’s songs, picked out every reference to a prostitute, and dug through crime records to find a mugshot in a corresponding area. That sort of pointless diligence must be rewarded.

Best Invisible Cat Pictures

13) 17 Best Invisible Cat Pictures

You might be thinking, “What? Another cat-picture list?” If you are, you need to click this. And shut up.

Most Iconic Rock Crotches in History

14) The 10 Most Iconic Crotches in Rock History

If your average crotch is a sensible grey sedan, David Lee Roth’s is a tricked out yellow Ferrari.

Hungover Owls

15) Top 10 Hungover Owls

These owls woke up in their clothes fifteen minutes late.

Boob Trick Videos

16) The Top 10 Boob Trick Videos

This list is a very good way to make your breasts feel inadequate. Much like Cosmo and Dolly Parton.

Comedies with Cinematic Bad-asses Playing Second Fiddle to Kids, Dogs, and Adorable Old Ladies

17) 13 Comedies with Cinematic Bad-asses Playing Second Fiddle to Kids, Dogs, and Adorable Old Ladies

One minute you’re starring in a gun-shooting, explosion-blossoming action flick. The next, you’re reading a script where you get humiliated by a gang of plucky primary-school kids, thinking, “Yeah, I’m totally going to do this.”

Trees That Look Like Genitals

18) 11 Trees That Look Like Genitals

Truth: All trees look a little bit like genitals. These trees, however, look a lot like genitals.

Glenn Beck

19) 9 Ridiculous Things That Most Americans Believe

Which is more embarrassing? That eighteen percent of Americans believe the sun revolves around the earth, or that three percent of Americans have no opinion on the matter at all?

Animals That Don't Have Asses

20) Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses

You too are a member of the animal kingdom, friend. Don’t take your ass for granted.

Bonus:”Booboo kills Yogi” alternate ending.

A Gentleman’s Guide To Strip Club Etiquette

Written by rtcrooks

There are certain rites of passage that boys face along the righteous path to becoming a man. A trip to the strip club is one of them, and found in the category marked; mandatory. It signals the turning point in life where a young boy graduates from glossy magazines, to the real thing–well silicone mostly these days. Young men today learn strip club etiquette from auto-tuned vocals, and rap videos. To really fully understand strip club etiquette, one must grasp that strippers are people too. These ladies are under constant scrutiny every time they lace up their bustiers, hike up their g-strings, and double check their extensions. Their bodies, faces, and personalities are up for review. So set yourself apart from the pack of ravenous perverts, and show the girls you have some class. Whether you are a seasoned veteran of the strip club scene or a newbie, here are some guidelines you should abide by to make your next trip to the strip a success.

Dress Code: Avoid Sweatpants


It is fairly logical to assume that sweatpants, athletic shorts, or thin pants are on the list of dress code “Dont’s” at any strip club. You won’t be the first douche bag to try and pull that trick (or the first guy the dancer has laughed at for being a complete tool). Are you so helplessly lonely that a centimeter less of fabric will make that much of a difference? The problem with this move is that you’re treading in murky waters. Either it’s not that kind of place, and your dancer will stay far, far away from your sweatpants boner. Or it is that kind of place, and you will contract something very unpleasant. Try wearing khakis or Dockers – something “a cut above.” Jeans might chafe when she’s giving you a lap dance.

Remember They Are Dancers, Not Hookers


There are an abundance of popular reasons why men love to frequent strip clubs. Celebrations: you and the boys have some serious partying to do for a birthday or bachelor party. Bonding: you and your buddy haven’t seen each other in a while, and need to blow off some steam to the tune of 30 naked females. Just remember one important thing; PROSTITUTION in most places is 100 percent illegal. Don’t solicit, suggest dinner or ask for a date; these women are working, and by that we mean dancing not hooking.

Ask Permission Before You Touch


In fields such as engineering, architecture, and computer sciences; rules are meant to be broken. Pushing the envelope is how the human species makes progress; how do you think we put a man on the moon? With that said, not all rules are meant to be broken. Especially rules that are strictly enforced by huge, intimidating bouncers. Remember that even during a private lap dance, your hands shouldn’t be anywhere near the dancer; keep them at your side. The girl is already grinding all over you, so you’ve gotten what you paid for. No extra touching is needed – or allowed.

Tip! Tip!! Tip!!!


One of the most important things you need to learn about a strip club is this: you are going to spend some cash. If you’re going to be sitting at one of the seats around the main stage, tip. When dancers are on stage, setting down a couple dollar bills per song is an acknowledgment of a job well done. So show your appreciation for the dancer’s hard work. Try giving her one dollar at a time, she’ll spend more time with you that way. If you give away all your money prematurely, she’ll move on to the next guy. Then you’ll be spending the rest of the night nursing your $8 Coors Light. So remember: Tip! Tip!! Tip!!!

Remember Why You’re There


We have got some wisdom nuggets for you here: remember why you’re there – it’s all about the lap dance. According to Kerr Fuffle, author of Paying for Sex: The Gentlemen’s Guide to Web Porn, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes & Escorts without Humiliation, Job Loss, Bankruptcy, Infection, Bloodshed or Incarceration, “You can go to hang out, but the girls will get you to buy them outrageously priced drinks, so either way you’re going to pay,” says Fuffle, who advises that, even if you don’t buy a lap dance, you should . . . .”

Don’t Buy Her A Drink


If you thought you could hit the strip club and not give any tips, then you weren’t thinking intelligibly. Our favorite strip club guru Kerr Fuffle has more wisdom for us. Buying a drink for a dancer is just giving money to the house. Instead, say, “I appreciate your spending time with me. Can I give you a little money instead of buying you a drink?” “She’ll tell the other dancers,” says Fuffle, “and more will come by.” Soon dancers will be flocking around you like the salmon of Capistrano.

Learn To Say No


Saying no in a strip club is a major contradiction. Girls are sauntering between patrons, topless, dancing onstage in g-stings, stockings, and garter belts. That “Yes” attitude is what powers the fantasy for you, and buys new school clothes for her 7 year old. If you’re sitting with a dancer whose company you enjoy and she has to go reapply body glitter, don’t let another dancer swoop in with the full court press. This other dancer saw you spending cash and wants a piece. Some of the girls are vultures, waiting to pounce on you after you’ve been mesmerized by a mind blowing lap dance. Learn to say no to this intruder, your dancer will love you for it.

Don’t Apologize For Getting “Excited”


If there was ever a better system for which to assess a dancer’s worth, we would like to hear it. You can never go wrong by judging from that fuzzy feeling you get below the waist. She’s trying to get you “excited,” so don’t apologize if she succeeds. For a lot of dancers it’s a point of pride, and the way their bosses assess job performance. Unless it’s the girl’s first night, they know what to expect. They know being a hot girl in lingerie is going to give you an erection. Just try to not cream your jeans.

According To Gucci Mane


Gucci Mane is an Atlanta-based rapper who is known as much for his ridiculous chains as he is for rapping. “So much ice make ya eye sight blurry,” he raps on his 2008 mix-tape Mr. Perfect. Back in May of 2005, Gucci was attacked by a group of men. Gucci and his boys shot back at the group in self defense, killing one of the attackers. He turned himself into Police a week later, and charges were dropped for insufficient evidence. Afterward he went straight to the strip club to celebrate. Here is some lap dance etiquette from Atlanta’s strip club connoisseur. He only has a few but they are gems: “Don’t watch your friend’s dances” and “Don’t take $50 out, and give her a $10.” We concur.

Don’t Act Like “Frank The Tank”


Alcohol is the culprit when it comes to turning a mellow outdoor BBQ into a slip-and-sliding, beer-soaked, hot dog eating contest of a party. Alcohol also has the ability of turning mild-mannered accountants into drooling, wiggling, pants-dropping idiots (who wants to wear bras on their heads and pay a stripper’s cell phone bill for a year?). This bit of advice is pretty obvious. Watch your alcohol intake. If it was any other bar, drink yourself into oblivion. But going to a strip club is a night you want to remember. Going to sleep counting boobies is better than blacking out. Be careful you don’t drink and drive either, you might spill your drink.

Bonus:  Best apology ever…