Written by Will Kriegshauser
It’s that time of year, again, kids. No, not Christmas. We’re talking about the time to review the movie moments of 2010 that madue us laugh, cry, hurl, jump, or maybe all at the same time…
10. Piranha 3-D doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar… couldn’t care less
It takes a special, special movie to make you feel better about being alive, and Piranha 3-D is that movie. Not because of the man-eating fishy-thingies, but because they didn’t once even pretend that they were about anything other than cheap thrills, cheaper boobies, and B-level 3-D. They thumbed their noses at the academy and anybody else who assumes every work of art absolutely has to have a broader underlying political agenda before those pretentious dickweeds could turn their noses up on them and go back to saving the rainforest, or something.
9. Steve-O got covered in poo… we laugh
The success of Jackass 3D remains the guiltiest pleasure anybody will admit to, and it’s safe to say they topped themselves with the new and improved poo cocktail. Spoiler alert: Steve-o gets strapped into a porta-john full of you know what that’s hooked to bungee chords and launched hundreds of feet into the air. He screams like a little girl and gets poo everywhere, even in his mouth. It’s the little things in life you cherish…
8. M. Night Shyamalan bombs with The Last Airbender
If M. Night Shyamalan were a coach, he would now officially be on the hot seat. He’s fallen pretty far since The Six Sense, and you got to believe he can’t possibly survive many more bombs. The words ‘written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan’ still pique the average Joe’s interest the same way ‘written and directed by Brian De Palma’ once did, but that won’t last forever, just like it didn’t with Mr. De Palma.
7. Legion makes you scared of your grandma…
Few on-screen moments were more profoundly surprising and unnerving than Legion turning a sweet old grandmother into raving supernatural beast. There used to be a line in the sand when it came to grandmas. Reanimate toddlers into demonic, undead cannibals. Make Santa into a serial killer. TurnBoo Boo against Yogi. Anybody but grandma! We’ve clearly come a long way since Mrs. Sturak in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, and have passed the point of no return.
6. Paranormal Activity — still scary
Thank you, Paranormal Activity 2. Sure, you weren’t as good as your predecessor, but you reminded us once again that you don’t need gore, or expensive special effects to truly frighten people. Horror is like any other genre—it works best when you simply have a good story, a good imagination, and a firm grasp of human nature.
5. The A-Team proves that nostalgia is contentious…
This sounded like a good idea, and honestly, it’s not liked it bombed at the box office. But there’s a tricky science to summoning long-dormant ideas and transferring them to the present-day. It’s easy to get lost in trying to appeal to the current generation that buys the tickets and forgetting what made the original memorable in the first place. And how do you market something whose milieu is so intertwined with the time and place it was conceived?
We’re talking about the 80s, of course. You can’t just drag something out of its place in time and expect to retain all of its charm and relevency.
4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt fights in zero gravity…
Inception exploded onto the national scene like a new pressure-molded, high-impact type of cocaine. Making a film about dreamscapes within dreamscapes within dreamscapes within dreamscapes that can scramble a person’s brain and not piss them off is quite a feat. Bravo,Christopher Nolan. Bravo also for easily the coolest, most creative fight scene of the year, featuring Levitt battling another dude inside a rotating hallway that perfectly encapsulates the scope and imagination of one of the year’s best films.
3. The Social Network
Not so much a moment of the movie as a moment for movies. It was inevitable that somebody would make a movie chronicling the birth and full flowering of one of the most important inventions of the young century, and something that fundamentally changed the world. Watching Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg tear-ass his way to the top is watching history being made, and an invaluable part of your life and everybody else’s life around you explained in a chilling biopic form.
2. Clash Of The Titans tries 3D, and fails…
Just because James Cameron can make a boatload of money doing it for a movie that was specifically designed for 3D, doesn’t mean everybody else should try, too. Believe it or not, you can’t just add 3D to chicken shit and expect it to make it into chicken salad. People misperceive 3D just like they misperceive rap—that anybody can do it, and furthermore any movie is fair game for it. Not true. Clash’s failure served as a warning to all future filmmakers who think adding 3D to a movie is like adding sprinkles to an ice-cream cone.
1. Toy Story 3 brings animation to dangerously powerful levels…
The ending of Toy Story 3 involves Woody & the gang thinking they’re going to die by way of a garbage dump incinerator. The scene make you have to tell yourself ‘it’s okay, it’s okay, they’re just actors, they’re not real…wait, god damnit they’re not even actors! They’re just collections of computerized pixels on a screen!’ Seeing them lock hands as they await a fiery death is right up there with the opening montage ofUp as far as eliciting deep feelings that all logic tells you shouldn’t be able to be elicited and controlled by a bunch of animated cells. We’re calling it right now—Pixar is the real life Tyrell Corporation. It’s downright scary how much they make you care.
Did we leave anything off that perhaps deserved the nod over Steve-O literally getting shit on?
Bonus: It`s snowing here. Got myself a new fridge for the beer.