10 Great Bands That Don’t Actually Exist, but Should

Written by Eric Alt

On July 28th, This is Spinal Tap arrives on Blu-Ray and, well, that’s all the excuse we need to revisit some of our favorite fictional bands. We say “some” to save you the hassle of rushing feverishly to the “Comments” section with helpful suggestions like “you assholes forgot…” Trust us, we didn’t forget. We just left them out to piss you off. Haven’t you figured out how this works by now?

Without further ado…some of our favorite bands that don’t actually exist, but should.

Steel Dragon (Rock Star, 2001)
The thinly-veiled Judas Priest put Ronnie James Dio’s voice in Mark Walhberg’s body. Which begs the question: Is going from 4’10” to 5’6″ really that much of an improvement?

The Swanky Modes (Tapeheads, 1988)
The inspiration for Josh Tager and Ivan Alexeev’s entire life, the Modes’s live show is something special to behold-unless you paid to see Menudo.

Ellen Aim and the Attackers (Streets of Fire, 1984)
Their music may be Meatloaf-lite, but who’s complaining when they are fronted by Diane Lane at her absolute hottest?

Dead Mike (CB4, 1993)
First rule of great rap: Keep it simple.

Barry Jive and the Uptown Five (High Fidelity, 2000)
C’mon-Tenacious D would have been too obvious. Here’s a more soulful side of Jack Black.

Cherry Bomb (Howard the Duck, 1986)
A song written about a girl’s forbidden love for a mutant duck? Genius. And any band that features 80s-era Lea Thompson and Holly Robinson can count us as groupies.

Ford Fairlane and Kyle Troy’s Studio Band (The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, 1990)
The Rock ‘N Roll dick commandeers some studio players for an impromptu rock number that is as cheesy as, well, have you seen this fucking movie? But it beats the hell out of Kyle Troy, and how many lists have the opportunity to include Dice singing?

Grivo (The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, 1996)
The best Danzig this side of Danzig. Now pass the horse tranquilizers.

Crucial Taunt (Wayne’s World, 1992)
Why this band didn’t spark a wave of rock bands fronted by Asian models is just one of the mysteries surrounding Wayne’s World. Sigh. Missed chance, people.

Dethklok (Metalocalypse, 2006)
The world’s most brutal band. You think Metallica ever rocked hard enough to summon a troll from the depths of hell? Not a chance.

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