5 things they skipped in college orientation

Written by Jason

Five Things you learned in college that they never taught you in orientation.

College orientation can be exciting. You get a jist of how college life will be (a crash course if you will)โ€ฆThats why we decided to crank out a list dedicated to what they will not tell you.

5) Freshman 15

What they tell you

The campus cafeteria can be found at the end of Emerson Hall. We keep a large variety of assorted foods and the vending machines are open 24 hours.

What they should have told you

In 3 months you will be a fat ass. Lets face it, the cafeteria will never be open when you need it. This resorts in Hot Pockets and Red Bull from the vending machines while you’re pulling all nighters trying to cram. That combined with eating pizza and drinking beer every other night will soon leave you looking like Jared (before he found Subway).

4) Certain bars have college night

What they tell you

At times you can take advantage of coupons that we hand out to students. These coupons are good for discounts in various restaurant establishments across town.

What they should have told you

Once you find out which bars offer college night, you’ll soon become a regular. This leads to you spending time at bars (when you should be studying) because you think you’re saving money. Eating hotwings and slamming 2 dollar mixers lead toโ€ฆ.(see #5)

3) You will live off of Top Ramen at least once

What they tell you

Financial aid forms can be found at the administration office. If you have any questions, feel free to ask a counselor.

What they should have told you

You’re in college, prepare to be broke. If you can’t afford a George Foreman Grill and a bunch of frozen chicken breasts, we suggest you head to Costco and buy Top Ramen in bulk.

2) STD’s

What they tell you


What they should have told you

1 in 4 people on campus has an STD (that is an actual stat taken from SDSU). Even if you do wear a condom, there is a good chance you will catch crabs. You can save a lot of money if you skip the prescription shampoo, and just shave your pubes.

1) WoW + Counterstrike = F

What they tell you

It is important to manage your time wisely. Making and maintaining a class schedule is your responsibilty. Taking too many credits at once can become overwhelming.

What they should have told you

Do not install World of Warcraft on your computer. Do not install Counterstrike on your computer. You will not be able to function in your 8am class if you’re bunny hopping and head shotting through CS servers all night. We understand you think that you will be able to go on a raid at 9pm and still get a good night sleep before your Trig class. The truth is: your preist will keep going link dead before he can give you ‘prayer of fortitude’. The Druid who was supposed to cast resist got impatient and logged off. By the time you found another druid, called in another preist with a decent connect, and finished your raid – it was 3am. We’ll see you at starbucks.

14 thoughts on “5 things they skipped in college orientation

  1. James

    Wow, this is so true! WoW + counterstrike is the reason my girlfriend left me and I got bad grades. I did get laid but not much, so I didnt get an std. Yes I do look exactly like Jared now and I need to exercise more. I went to bars a lot and talked to gangsters and mostly bitchy women. I owe my survival to ramen. You must add 1 more item to that list… You ill be Owned by Sallie Mae!

  2. Justin

    What they really need to cover is finances too… I have seen so many of my friends get into a tremendous amount of debt. It seems to be all the rage these days. In fact I’ve seen friends recently going back for their masters since the credit crunch and lack of job openings. Let’s get some basic finance information taught in high school so kids stop making stupid mistakes.

  3. Franklin

    Nice response Justin,

    I couldn’t agree more. I see my students all the time making poor decision after poor decision. I can see it directly in my classroom as well, since the new Macbook came out nearly 50% of the students that had the previous versions have all purchased the new ones. Highly unnecessary for the price tag and added debt/expense to their credit cards. Kids need to focus on long term, rather then the next and best gadgets.

  4. Kelly Gibson

    What they teach about STD’s…Nothing.. LOL So true!You wouldn’t believe the stories I have from college about some of my fellow sorority sisters. Extremely disturbing to say the least. I’d say they need to take better measures for new students on this topic.

  5. Justin Phillips

    My local college has a little nickname, STDSU. It’s really something that shouldn’t be kidded about, but it’s somewhat the truth. I’d like to see some more teaching about how to avoid it. Nice post Kelly!

  6. mystic_sage_1791

    Wow……what amazes me is that the exact same things happen here in my college in India……except that alcohol is prohibited. I mean, we’re miles away, a totally different culture, but we also spend hours playing WoW or CS, make maggi (indian version of Top Ramen), sleep or never attend classes, go gaga over the latest laptop or mobile….

    The only difference is that there’s no sex or alcohol. (almost) Not only is it prohibited, it’s just our culture….wish it weren’t ๐Ÿ˜‰

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