Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. – Leonardo da Vinci
The problem with many books and guides on simplifying your clutter, your work life, your desk, your life, is that they are usually too darn complicated.
We need a simple method of simplifying.
It’s been nearly a decade since I first started trying to simplify my life, and in those years I’ve struggled with clutter, I’ve had surges and ebbs of complications and simplicity, I’ve tried dozens of methods of simplifying from as many sources. It’s been an interesting journey, although not one that I can recommend to everyone. If you’re looking to simplify a certain aspect of your life, you don’t want to go through that kind of confusion.
So I’ve boiled it down to a simple method of Four Laws of Simplicity (apologies to John Maeda) that you can use on any area of your life, and in fact on your life as a whole:
1. Collect everything in one place.
2. Choose the essential.
3. Eliminate the rest.
4. Organize the remaining stuff neatly and nicely.
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. – Confucius
To illustrate, let’s take a quick look at how to declutter a drawer. Let’s say this is the worst junk drawer in your home – it has take-out menus from restaurants that closed down a dozen years ago, manuals for computers that used DOS as their primary OS, tools that you have no idea how to use, more rubber bands, paper clips and chopsticks than you can ever use, mementos from your unfortunate foray into rubber stamp hobbying, souvenirs from that Mexico City trip you’d rather forget about, not to mention a funky smell that reminds you of gym class.
You could spend all day sorting through such a mess and still have a mess. (Or more likely, you’ll close the drawer and forget about it.) But let’s see how the 4-step method would be applied to our drawer:
1. Collect. Take out everything and put it in a pile. Empty the entire drawer, and pile it all on a counter or a table. Take everything out, down to the last paper clip.
2. Choose. Pick out only the few things you love and use and that are important to you. Just sort through the pile, picking out the really essential stuff. Be very selective. Put the important stuff you pick out into a separate, smaller pile.
3. Eliminate. Toss the rest out. You know you’ll never need those manuals again. Don’t be sentimental with this step. Either throw everything into a big trash bag, or find a new home for some of the items if you think someone might have a use for them – donate them to charity or give them to a friend who would love them. And yes, you have to toss out all the chopsticks.
4. Organize. Put back the essential things, neatly, with space around things. Clean the drawer out first, of course, and put the very small pile of things you chose back in the drawer, grouping like things together and leaving space around the groups. Having space around things makes everything look neater and simpler.
That’s it. You now have a very nice, simplified junk drawer, with (let’s hope) a much less funky smell.
This simple method can be applied to every area of your life. My suggestion is to focus on one area at a time, apply the method, and then move to the next area. So, if you just wanted to simplify a couple areas of your life, you could focus on one per week, but if you wanted to simplify your entire life, I’d do one area every couple of days until you’re done.
Here are some examples of how you could apply the above method to other areas of your life:
Closets. Focus on one area of the closet at a time – a shelf at a time for instance. Take everything off the shelf and put it in a pile on the floor. Pick out only the really important stuff that you love and use. Put the rest in a box to donate. Put the important stuff back on the shelf, grouping like things together and leaving space around the groups. You could use containers for groups of things, using clear containers and labeling them. Or just leave the shelves fairly empty, and get rid of most of your stuff. Move on to the next area. My suggestion is to leave the floor of your closet clear – it makes it look much nicer and simpler.
Your desk. Clear everything off the surface of your desk (excepting, perhaps, you computer and phone). For the surface of the desk, I would suggest only putting your inbox and a nice photo or two, and nothing else. Put supplies in a drawer, and file the papers. Toss out the rest. Then do the drawers of your desk the same way, one at a time, leaving space in each drawer. It’s so much more relaxing to work in a simplified environment. After you’re done with the desk, do your walls.
Your work tasks. Have a long to-do list (or a bunch of long context lists)? Spend a little time adding every task or project you can think of to your lists, until it’s as complete as you can (GTD’s brain dump works for this). Then choose only the tasks that you really want to do, or that will give you the absolute most long-term benefit, and put those on a separate, shorter list. The rest of the stuff? See if you can eliminate them, or delegate them, or at least put them on a someday/maybe list to be considered later. Then only focus on your short list, trying to choose the three most important things on the list to do each day.
Your commitments. Make a list of all your commitments in your life, from work to personal. Include hobbies, clubs, online groups, civic groups, your kids’ activities, sports, home stuff, etc. Anything that regularly takes up your time. Now pick out the few of those that really give you value, enjoyment, long-term benefits. Toss the rest, if possible. It might be difficult to do that, but you can get out of commitments if you just tell people that you don’t have the time anymore. This will leave you with a life that only has the commitments you really enjoy and want to do. Leave space around them, instead of filling up your life.
Your wardrobe. Do you really need 40 T-shirts? Or 40 pairs of shoes? How many jeans do you actually wear? One drawer or section of your closet at a time, put everything on your bed in a pile, choose the clothes you really love and actually wear on a regular basis, donate the rest, and put the ones you love back in your drawers or closet. Leave space around the clothes – don’t stuff your drawers full.
A room. If you’d like to simplify your cluttered rooms, start with the furniture. Which ones do you love and use? Get rid of the rest. Now clear every flat surface in the room, from counters to tables to shelves to desktops. Choose the stuff you love, and get rid of the rest. Leave the flat surfaces as clear as possible, only putting back a few choice objects. Now do the drawers and cabinets the same way. Also do everything on your floor that’s not a piece of furniture, leaving the floor as clear as humanly possible.
Your email inbox. Have an email inbox full of clutter? Dump all your emails in your inbox into a folder. Scan through the folder, choosing only a few to reply to and putting those in a separate folder. Delete or archive the rest.
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. – Henry David Thoreau
While the Internet might be a soulless place that’s mostly devoid of any real human warmth or compassion, there are certain things that make it better. While there might be a YouTube, we’re still very much the me generation when it comes to defining a personal identity online. Some of these “Web achievements” people pick up over the years require some serious talent. Others can be had with a little luck. We’ve compiled a list of some of the more prominent ones–consider it a list of things to do on the Internet before you die.
Skill.
Achievements that require talent, skill, or personality
Get on Flickr’s interesting picture wall.Flickr’s interestingness algorithm is based on several qualities of user interaction with a photo. Flickr lists them as “where the clickthroughs are coming from; who comments on it and when; who marks it as a favorite; its tags and many more things which are constantly changing.” In short, it’s about how popular your photo is on an aggregate scale.
Chances of it actually happening: Depends on skill. It could be one of the best pictures on earth, but if nobody’s looking at it, you’re out of luck. That being said, the photos you tend to see on Flickr’s explore page (the listing of interesting photos) tend to be great-looking, but even the occasional bad shot of something amazing makes the cut.
Make the YouTube featured videos list. This elusive honor puts your video on the front page of YouTube.com. Many unknown artists have gotten huge view counts and channel subscriptions out of a front page spot, which gets millions of eyeballs each day.
Chances of it actually happening: Slim. The smattering of videos in the featured videos section on the front page is picked out by a team of YouTube editors. These folks are in charge of cool hunting, and given the amount of content that’s uploaded to the site each day, the best way to get noticed might be to get picked up on some other social sites for visibility first. Mark Glaser from PBS’ MediaShift has a great post on the editorial process here.
Get your post on The Best of Craigslist. This elusive honor is reserved for some of the best-written, or just plain obscure postings on the popular classifieds site. There’s no real science to it beside the fact that your post must be nominated by a certain amount of users before it’s picked out from the crowd.
Chances of it actually happening: Slim. Getting on Best of Craigslist is incredibly tough. Nationwide only a handful of posts are picked out each week, and you’re relying on Craigslist users to not only read what you’ve written, but nominate it.
Making the front page of social news site like Digg, Delicious, Reddit, Slashdot, and Newsvine.
Chances of it actually happening: Reasonable. The beauty of getting on these sites is that you don’t have to write an article you’re submitting. In most cases, the only responsibility is to write title and description. Adding a little style and flair to the original title and description can do wonders. On the other hand, writing a story, taking a picture or video that makes the front page of any of these sites is a far greater achievement than simply adding the link.
Continue reading to learn about repetitive and ego-stroking achievements galore…
Become the Reddit’s all-time karma gainer. We’d classify this under repetition, except that Reddit’s karma system actually requires users to submit quality content. If you’re just spamming the site with a bunch of useless links, your karma will be buried into oblivion.
Chances of it actually happening: Not without some work. If you’re unemployed or working for a news wire service you might have a shot. Otherwise, you probably won’t be able to keep up with some of the folks on top who are submitting more than a dozen quality news links each and have been every day for years.
Repetition.
Getting these requires countless grinding or tireless participation
Acquire Elite status on Yelp.com. Becoming a Yelp Elite isn’t an exact science. According to the Yelp Elite info page, people are picked out based on a number of qualities, ranging from writing style to how much content they’re adding to the site. That being said, it doesn’t happen overnight. For some it takes months of countless reviews.
Chances of it actually happening: Pretty good as long as you’re willing to invest yourself in the site and participate. The payoff is invites to private parties, and a snazzy looking profile badge. In the case of Yelp’s latest shindig, Elite members got to get into the party an hour earlier than everyone else.
Reach your Gmail in-box size limit. Google is currently giving everyone a little over 6GB of storage, but it wasn’t always like that. Google broke ground by giving people 1GB free along with a little counter that would add more and more storage as time passed. Throughout the years they’ve tweaked the speed of the counter along with total storage. The service is now at six times the original storage capacity.
Chances of it actually happening. Depends on use. It’s happened before, and it can happen again. While most home users will be fine–if you’re trading around a lot of media files that max out that 20MB attachment limit, that space can eventually fill up. To those who have crossed the sacred threshold and fear deleting old messages, Google offers a paid storage expansion option to push the account up to 400 GB at a mere $500 a year.
Egosphere cred.
These are the nerdiest achievements of the bunch, and will make you feel important 2.0
Make the Twitterholic 100.The Twitterholic listing is based purely on followers on the popular microblogging service Twitter. These are people who are following your tweets, not the number of friends you have, or how many times you’ve updated your status.
Chances of it actually happening. If you’re a male or female blogger with lots of fans, or a large Web news service, it’s in the bag. Otherwise you probably need to know at least 1,000 people with Twitter accounts who want to pay attention to what you’re saying. Currently No. 100 has a little over 1,100 followers with the No. 1 garnering nearly ten times that.
Get publicly slammed by Dave Winer. If you don’t know who Dave Winer is, he probably doesn’t know who you are either. Winer, who helped create the Web standards for podcasting, blogging and RSS is well known for writing or saying snarky things ranging from people to products.
Chances of it actually happening: Slim. If you’ve built a popular Web app or retail product with some usability flaws, the damage might already have been done. He could also simply disagree with your opinion.
Make the front page of Valleywag. Silicon Valley’s self-proclaimed gossip rag is a blog at heart, and that means getting on it requires garnering the interest of its editors. Getting a mention on Valleywag holds more than some freebie potential traffic. You can become a hallowed member of its Facebook group “I got slammed by Valleywag.”
Every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving– Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein was an amazing physicist. He figured out so many universal principles and equations that he was way ahead of his fellow scientists at any point of time. But he is also remembered for another thing; a quality which made people call him a genius: his words. Prof. Einstein was a philosopher who clearly understood the laws of success and explained them like the way he did with his equations. Here is a list of 10 things out of the numerously wonderful things he had said; 10 golden lessons that you can put to use in your everyday life.
1. A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
Most people don’t try new things because of their fear of failure. Failing is not something to be afraid of. It is often the losers who learn more about winning than the winners. Our mistakes always give us opportunities to learn and grow.
2. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
30 years from now, you won’t possibly remember what chapters you had in your science book; you’d only remember what you learn on your way. Life lessons stay with you forever. Real education starts from within.
3. I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
When you reflect on how far we humans have come from the prehistoric caves to mind-blowing technological advancements, you would feel the power of imagination. What we have now was built from the imagination of our forefathers. What we will have in future will be built from our imagination.
4. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Creativity and uniqueness often depends on how well you hide your sources. You can get inspired and influenced by other great people; but when you are on stage with the whole world watching, you must become a unique, individual force that learnt different values from different people.
5. The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive. Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
If you think of all the top people in the world, they would have added something of value to the world. You must give in order to take. When your purpose is contributing or adding value to the world, you will be elevated to a higher level of living.
6. There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.
When nothing is a miracle, you gain the power of doing anything you want and you have no limits. And when everything is a miracle, you stop by to appreciate even the smallest of beautiful things in the world. Thinking both ways will give you a productive and happy life.
7. When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.
Dreaming about all the great things that you can achieve is the key to a life filled with positivity. Let your imagination run amuck and create the world that you would wish to be in.
8. In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
If you want to become a very successful entrepreneur, you must start a business right away. Wishing to become one, but fearing the consequences will not help. The same applies to everything – in order to win a game, one must above all play the game.
9. You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.
Learn the rules of your game and start playing it best. Keep competing like your life depended on it. And after a while you will have no one else but you to compete against. At that point, better your best.
10. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
Intelligent people ask. Keep questioning yourself and others to find solutions. This will help gain knowledge and analyze your growth in all walks of life.
Satellite imagery used to be the exclusive domain of governments and spy agencies, but ever since Google Maps and Google Earth we can all get to see weird things! Fancy a look at Area 51? Wondered what it’s like in downtown Moscow? Or maybe you want to check out the Principality of Sealand? These are just ordinary, everyday things that millions of people use Google Maps and Earth to research every day. But what about the things you weren’t supposed to see, the freaks of camera? Here are 17 of the most bizarre sights for you to laugh at, complete with lat/lons and (where possible) KMLs. Enjoy.
Swastika Influenced Design
1. Swastika Influenced Design: How is it that a US Navy building standing since the 1960’s could cause a controversy in 2007? As hilighted in the mass-media earlier in the year, Google Earth users noticed what only a few pilots would ever have seen – that a US Navy barracks on Coronado island, San Diego was built in the design of a swastika. The Navy said they always knew what the layout of the barracks resembled but thought no one would ever notice. As a result of these images becoming available online, they are being forced to spend $600,000 on new structures and extra greenery to camouflage the building. Embarrassing to say the least. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
Aircraft Traffic Jam
2. Aircraft Traffic Jam: What would you expect from one of the busiest airports in Europe? Looks like a freak of fortune to catch 3 aircraft on takeoff from Frankfurt International Airport, but it’s actually just overlay issues. Note that there is only a shadow for the middle aircraft. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
Single-winged Aircraft Landing
3. Single-winged Plane Landing: This single-winged miracle-aircraft is the result of a bizarre mapping error that Google Earth occasionally suffers from. If you are a frequent Google Earth user you’ll probably have noticed incidences where roads and bridges don’t align properly or varying image resolutions cause some strange viewing. This aircraft was snapped on approach to the north western runway of Amsterdam Schiphol Airport but appears to only have one wing! Links: Google Maps
World War 2 Bomber in Flight
4. World War 2 Bomber in Flight: Google Earth has the ability to snap airplanes in midair – apparently some 3,300 planes have been placemarked. This is a World War II bomber flying over the sleepy suburbs of Huntingdon, England. Unfortunately, the bomber is no longer there in the updated image of the area.
Capsised Cruise Liner
5. Capsised Cruise Liner: If you’ve ever wondered what happens when a powerful typhoon slams into a cruise liner, then here’s your answer. This liner-shaped hotel was docked in the South Korean port of Busan when it was hammered by the 135mph winds of Typhoon Maemi in 2003. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
North Dakota Truck Crash
6. North Dakota Truck Crash: Sometimes Google’s snapshots of our world are lucky enough to catch things as they happen. Here Google Earth captures a truck that crashed and sprawled out over East Burleigh Avenue just outside of Bismarck, North Dakota. Links: Google Maps
Ghost Ships
7. Ghost Ships: No longer confined to the annals of countless storybooks and Hollywood movies, ghost ships are real and they’re here today thanks to the camera-freakology of Google Earth! Here we can quite clearly see a ghost ship docking in Newark, New Jersey and taking on a load of cargo. Perhaps this is some sort of reincarnated Black Pearl? I dunno ?
John Travolta’s Airport / Home
8. John Travolta’s Airport / Home: It’s no secret that John Travolta is an eccentric, but who would have expected him to build an airport and home in one? His home in Ocala, Florida is one of very few non-commercial airports in the world with a runway long enough to handle aircraft the size of his personal Boeing 707. Check out the internal and external shots in this Architectural Digest feature. Completely. Crazy. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
African Wildlife
9. African Wildlife: Imagine all the creatures roaming about African, just getting on with their thing. Now, thanks to the National Geographic African Megaflyover Project, we can enjoy some of the last true wilderness on the planet via super-high-resolution aerial photographs of Africa. Check out this magnificent image of a large group of hippos in the mud, including a poor old hippo which is seen laying on the bank, being eaten by vultures. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
Gravity Defying Car Parking
10. Gravity Defying Car Parking: Do you think getting somewhere to park your car is tough where you live? In Westenbergstraat, Netherlands, drivers apparently have to park on the sides of walls. Of course, this is just an example of tongue-in-cheek Dutch humour that comes through well from the above view. Links: Google Maps
Giant Indian Head w/ iPod
11. Giant Indian Head w/ iPod Turns out that the original inhabitants of north America were much cooler than previously thought. “Loud White Ears” had set such a trend back in the ancient times that they decided to build a large effigy of him in commemoration. Links: Google Maps
Super Shrunk Aral Sea
12. Super Shrunk Aral Sea: The once thriving Aral Sea used to be the 4th largest inland lake in the world but has shrunk to a mere 15% of its original size over the last 20 years. The water-guzzling cotton industry has mainly been responsible for this super-shrinking. As a knock on result, the once busy local fishermen have had to pack up and leave, abandoning their boats which are now 50km from the receding shoreline. A sad scene to look upon indeed. Links: Google Maps
The Leaning Tower of Seattle
13. The Leaning Tower of Seattle: This building in Seattle, Washington appears to be leaning badly across the building across the street, nearly touching the opposite building. Despite the appearance, it’s not really the case. There are a few quirks with Google Earth and this one is due to two different satellite angles for this area and merging of the two views. Seattle – you’ve missed out on a proper tourist attraction! You’re just going to have to make do with Microsoft and Starbucks. Links: Google Maps / Google Earth
Bursts of Light
14. Bursts of Light: Many optical illusions and anomalies are captured by Google Earth. Most of them are reflections of lights, flashes or some quirky image pixelation. Some crazy people claim to have discovered angels, aliens and UFO’s in Google Earth. So to continue in the tradition of jumping to conclusions – could this burst of light this be an opening to a parallel universe? Links: Google Maps – Google Earth
Crop Circles
15. Crop Circles: What self-respecting post about bizarre sights on Google Earth would be complete without some manmade alien-user-generated crop circles? Just to be clear: I wasn’t aware that ET used Firefox.
Brand Spamming
16. Brand Spamming: Yeah, let’s spam Google Earth! This huge KFC logo (Google Earth) was formed from 65,000 1-foot-square tiles laid out in the Mojave desert that took six days to put together. Other corporate giants who can afford to spam us do product placement in Google Earth include Ford who have placed a large logo on the roof of their HQ and Coca Cola who used 70,000 empty coke bottles for their logo on a hillside in Chile.
St. Patrick Fanboy
17. St Patrick Fanboy: OK, everyone might like St. Patrick’s Day, but this is taking it just a step too far don’t you think? I’d rather go to my local parade and shout abuse at the leprechauns. I’m also slightly annoyed that they missed the apostrophe: it’s St. Patrick’s Day not St. Patricks. Argghh! Links: Google Maps
NB: Over time these flukes will probably be removed as Google updates their data and creates even more bizarre sights.
Since the creation of eBay, just about everything has been bought and sold. Take a look at some of this stuff…
eBay – The worldwide garage sale. Since its creation millions of items have been bought and sold. You can find just about anything on eBay, the question is whether or not you would buy it. Some of the items are quite hilarious, some are rather interesting, and others are just plain weird. Perhaps the strangest phenomena is the ridiculous amounts of money people are actually willing to pay for some of this crazy stuff.
Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich:
Diane Duyser, from Florida sold her grilled cheese sandwich that appeared to have the face of the Virgin Mary upon it. The item was purchased by an online casino for $28,000!
Ghost in a Jar:
A man from Arkansas sold a strange jar that he claimed contained a ghost inside of it. He said he found it while metal detecting around an old cemetery. For his full story visit here.
18 Year old British Girl’s Virginity:
In order to pay off her college tuition, Cary’s Copestakes put her virginity up for auction on eBay without her parents knowledge. The bid started at $10,000 and was taken up by a business man. However, he merely gave her the money in pity of her situation and did not take her up on the service she offered.
Ex-wife’s Wedding Dress:
A man found his ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic and before he could burn it, his sister suggested he sell it on eBay. Along with a description of the dress, he delivered a hilarious rant about his ex-wife and even modeled the dress himself. He claims all he wanted was enough money to buy tickets for a Mariners game and a case of beer. His wish came true when a young lady purchased the dress for $3,850! For the full story, check out No Marriage.
Doritos Cheese Pope Hat:
In Salem, Massachusetts, the Chadwick family opened up a bag of Doritos to discover a chip that perfectly resembled the Pope’s Mitre or in other word’s, the pope’s “really tall hat”. The same online casino that purchased the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese bought this cheesy artifact for $1209!
The Meaning of Life:
That’s right, folks. For $3.26 it’s all yours. The answers to everything you could ever ask. But if you live outside of the U.S., that’s just too bad because the seller would only ship within the U.S. The exact nature of this item was not given and the only picture was the rainbow.
Vampire Killing Kit:
A seller from Oklahoma made $2,005.50 from this supposed 18th Century Vampire Killing Kit. It all came in a linden wood box, lined on the inside with maroon velvet. Inside the box were the following items: One wooden hammer (9 inches long), four stakes 7 inches – each), prayer book, crucifix, knife, picking scissors and eight bottles with Pamant (holy soil), Agheazma (holy water), Mir (anointing oil), Tamaie (holy incense), Usturoi (garlic), red serum, blue serum and secret potion, wooden cross, and a metal syringe box. The seller claimed that the estimated value of the artifact was between $29,000 and $51,000 although many doubt this to be true.
John F Kennedy Assassination Shooters Perch Window:
The actual window and frame from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed our 35th president, John F. Kennedy. 188 bids were placed and the winning bidder paid $3,001,501.00 on February 16th 2007 and gained what is most likely the most valuable window in the world.
Real Shrunken Heads:
26 shrunken heads were sold on eBay. The heads came straight from the J?baro Indian tribe in the jungles of Ecuador. Only 7 bids were placed on them and the winner paid a little under $25 for them.
UFO Detector:
A small Brazilian Company known as InterBras put this “very sensitive magnometer” up for sale on eBay in March of 2000. They claimed that when foreign objects were flying nearby in the sky, it would flash and beep. A UFO enthusiasts happily payed $135 it. Unfortunately a picture of this piece of equipment could not be found. It must be top secret.
So you’re an inventor, and you’ve just created a product that actually sucks quite a bit more than the ones people are already using. How do you sell it?
Why, by creating a cornball TV ad that portrays everyday tasks as being next to impossible without your product. As we’ll see, the results range from ridiculous to downright sad.
#10.
MagneScribe Pen
What they’re selling: The MagneScribe is a magnetic pen which attaches to a pendant that’s a combination digital clock and mirror that rocks a fly, Flava Flav look when not writing. It simultaneously maintains a perpetual state of writing-readiness and the ability to confirm whether someone is a vampire.
The hyperbole: First, there is the sequence where someone is shown trying to unsuccessfully impale the cap of a normal pen, which suggests not only a lack of familiarity with pens, but also the visual-spatial reasoning ability of a pot-smoking chimp.
Then, when the lost pen lady finally responds to the “Call Now” command, she’s placing her order and taking notes with … a MagneScribe pen?
What the hell? We couldn’t sleep for three days after we saw that. We kept picturing ourselves saying, “Man, I sure could use a MagneScribe about now,” and then suddenly feeling a strange weight on our chest, the dangling pen was already laying gently against our belly. Oh, don’t bother ordering the MagneScribe. It will find you.
Throughout the ad, we have the girl flailing around under a piece of furniture for her fallen pen, displaying both the poor vision and limited arm span of a T-Rex. Of course, the MagneScribe pen can’t fall out of your hand; if you drop it the pen will come flying back through the air and re-attach itself to the magical pendant.
The reality: They were selling this thing for $30. You know how many regular pens you can buy for thirty bucks? Three hundred.
You could keep a barrel of the things next to the sofa and every time you drop one, fuck it,grab a new one. But hell, even if the thing was free, having constant access to a pen in the off chance that we might need one isn’t worth looking like a tool 100 percent of the time. It is a specific application of the more general ‘fanny-pack’ principle.
#9.
My Lil’ Reminder
What they’re selling: A digital recorder, which is like an MP3 player except it records instead of playing back and can only hold one 30-second track so you can leave yourself reminders in audio form. “Shit, where did I put my digital recorder? Fuck!”
The hyperbole: The scene opens with a senile grandma wandering around a parking lot. Weighing her options, which are searching for her car using a systematic procedure or talking to herself out loud before grabbing her head in frustration, she chooses the latter.
Sadly, if you’re constantly forgetting things, lack the problem-solving skills to compensate, and cannot manage enough insight into your own uselessness to carry around a pen and paper with you at all times, then you may have advanced Alzheimer’s Disease. You have no business wandering around a parking lot unescorted, let alone getting behind the wheel of a car or operating a digital recording device.
The reality: We must admit, though, that the bit with the guy using it for storing driving directions was pretty convincing. If we ever sense that our ambient levels of smiling doucheness are running low, we’ll be sure to place an order.
Of course, that’s assuming the thing works properly. According to people who actually used the product:
“… you have to practically stick the thing inside your ear to hear it.”
“On Friday I told my wife that she urgently had to get her medication from the pharmacy … She recorded the message on her recorder (I saw her do it) … she couldn’t play back what was on the recorder. It was too late to go to any pharmacy … My wife didn’t get her medication. The funeral was Monday.”
#8.
Handy Peel
What they’re selling: A pair of rubberish gloves with tiny sharp claws on the palms for peeling stuff and/or pretending to be a mutant around the kids.
The hyperbole: Knife chick, here, is not an enthusiastic food preparer. We know this because her scenes are in black and white, and because she would seemingly rather look anywhere but at the knife she is wielding and the 1-inch-thick slices of potato she is lopping off. When the inevitable happens (she cuts herself), she is exasperated with the whole concept of this 2-million-year-old technology.
It’s hard to say which is the saddest exaggeration here. Is it where they weigh up all of the money you’ll save by not throwing away that extra bit of potato clinging to the skin, which would probably add up to around $4 worth over the course of a lifetime?
Or, is it 30 seconds later when they boast “No Messy Clean Up” over a shot of a potato-encrusted glove held under a stream of water that makes absolutely no progress toward removing the clumps of skin from the orange bristles?
The reality: It’s always shown peeling a vegetable that’s clearly been pre-peeled, and that arouses our suspicion. The carrot scene left us aroused in a different way.
#7.
Listen Up
What they’re selling: Listen Up, a hearing aid for people who can’t admit they need a hearing aid, has the added bonus of endowing users with super-hearing so that they can eavesdrop and generally hear things they aren’t supposed to.
Hey, that’s the My Lil’ Reminder chick. The poor dear must have tried playing back her audio recordings only to discover that she was going deaf, too.
The hyperbole: It starts with the old guy listening to the TV and then his radio too loud, then getting totally owned by his harpy of a wife. He takes it surprisingly well (his grin is slightly maniacal), perhaps because he couldn’t hear what she was saying.
Then the whole thing strays into the reprehensible, when it boasts that you can eavesdrop on people’s private conversations from “Up to 100 feet away.”
Then there’s a shot of an elderly couple using it in church. We found it weird that they would market their product to both eavesdroppers and church-goers in the same ad. But then isn’t God the biggest spy there is?
The reality: The false advertising is blatant. For example, the guy at the football game can apparently hear the quarterback call plays in the huddle from the stands. Unless the Listen Up is capable of some fancy Fourier analysis for isolating specific sounds, and you can be sure that it is not, then he would bleed from the ears due to amplified crowd noise before ever hearing a single call. The only reason his ears aren’t bleeding is because, as the customer reviews can tell you, the piece of crap doesn’t work:
What they’re selling: Easy Toothbrush, an ordinary toothbrush with bristles organized so as to form a rounded surface, making it similar to several dozen toothbrushes you can buy at the grocery store.
The hyperbole: Imagine if you will that you are a woman with dyed blonde hair and you have advanced gum disease due mostly to the fact that you have never seen, let alone used, a toothbrush. You now have some insight into “brush-chick,” the star of this commercial.
The highlight comes about 7 seconds in, when brush-chick recoils in pain from incidental bristle contact, as if she were brushing with a steak knife. The point is hammered in several times as the voice-over repeats the word “hurt.”
It gets better at about 9 seconds in, when brush-chick uses subtle non-verbal cues to communicate to her audience which toothbrush she prefers. The “conventional” toothbrush receives a look that is pregnant with contempt and scrotum-ablating scorn. In contrast, the “easy toothbrush” receives an appreciative head nod.
Interestingly, their entire concept is that because your mouth is round, your toothbrush should be round (as explained helpfully by the yellow geometric shapes above). By this logic, the Handy Peel up there should be shaped like a potato.
The reality: It’s a fucking toothbrush.
#5.
Ike Berger’s Five Minute Power Shaper
What they’re selling: A bungee cord contraption designed by old-school sports legend Ike Berger, a gold medal weightlifter in the 1908 Olympics. He evidently wants in on some of that sweet mail-order action that the estate of Charles Atlas has been milking for the better part of a century. This device apparently works out every conceivable part of your body, possibly while wearing your gold medal and gazing emptily into the far off distance.
The hyperbole: About 50 seconds in, there is a sequence that demonstrates how effort-driven and boring regular exercises are. Crunches, push-ups, machines at the gym … you’ll burn more energy in your exaggerated, anguished facial expressions than the actual workout.
Meanwhile, the grandma looks like she needs to re-read the manual.
People that workout do not have a bored/exasperated look on their face during their workouts. Rather, the commercial seems to be depicting what lazy people THINK they would look like if someone forced their fat asses into the gym.
The reality: For many movements, the device seems to be interfering with the natural resistance provided by gravity. In those instances, it is clearly shittier than having nothing at all. Also, you’re going to use that thing for about five minutes before it slips off your foot and smacks you in the face.
#4.
Tiddy Bear
What they are selling: Tiddy Bear, a furry teddy-bear thing that attaches to seatbelts with a strap-and-snap mechanism that’s state of the art, assuming you’ve never heard of Velcro. It attaches in a way that lets you move it “up and down to relieve pressure wherever you need it” to relieve the unbearable, searing pain of an automobile seat belt.
The hyperbole: The ad opens with a sequence featuring two chicks who are obviously frustrated with the lack of furry stimulation to their upper torso. The Maria Shriver look-alike (18 seconds in) tells us that seatbelts make it hard for her to breathe. Instead of investing in a ribcage implant to provide the protection her internal organs so desperately need, she opted for the Tiddy Bear.
The reality: The basic idea probably has its place (i.e. a comfortable pad that attaches to your seatbelt), but the execution, here, is awful. Who the hell would find an irregularly shaped bear comfortable? What kind of fucktard would wear that monstrosity proudly on their chest?
We’ve gone all this way without mentioning the obvious fact that we’re supposed to hear “Titty Bear” when they say the product name. That ill-fitting name and the near-uselessness of the product makes us suspect some company inherited a warehouse filled with 100,000 of these in unmarked boxes. Then they sat around for a whole afternoon trying to figure out what the fuck they were for, and finally ran out of time and just settled on “Seatbelt cushion.”
#3.
Pasta Pro
What they’re selling: A cooking pot with miraculous drainage holes built into the lid, eliminating the need for colanders, strainers, or leaving a small crack to let the water drain from your pot into the sink.
The hyperbole: From the sink full of dishes this product avoids (apparently a colander is actually a sink full of pots and pans), to the pound of spaghetti that plops into the sink and down the drain, to the guy who tries to strain his pasta using a plate, this one is chock full.
For our money, the cameo by cocksucker husband, who irritably taps his watch when his wife drops the pasta, is the clear winner. The expected “Where’s my dinner bitch?” comment is never uttered, but it is practically swirling around on screen in capitalized letters like tiny angry-man sugar plums.
Also, on top of saving your marriage, the amazingly versatile Pasta Pro fits both gas and electric stoves.
You try to pull that shit with a regular pot, the bastard’s likely to burst into flame. You won’t have time to worry about that, though, as the fierce blows rain down from your husband’s belt.
The reality: Let’s just go right to a customer review on this one:
What they’re selling: Powerjet, a garden-hose attachment from back in the day that helped you wash your car in ways that countless similar hose attachments apparently didn’t.
The hyperbole: The opening 10-second sequence is a tour de force for “car wash guy.” We don’t even get an establishing shot of him doing his thing. Instead, the ad begins cold with him standing stupidly in front of a soapy car while holding his flaccid hose.
It only takes about a second for the infuriating truth to sink in, because the timer or something has run out on the water. He’s dressed casually and washing his car, so you would assume that time is on his side. You would be wrong. He is in a fucking hurry. From the moment he notices the water has stopped, he stalks around like a cornered animal, clawing at his pockets for quarters, and lashing out at nearby equipment. That is, until the climax of the scene when he collapses on his car in despair, for a lack of change and a surplus of soap.
The denouement, and our highlight, is a dazzling feat of nonsensical stagecraft: a final insulting splash of soapy water out of fucking nowhere.
Our interpretation? Self-service car washes are self-aware and, more importantly, malevolent.
The reality: The problem that they are setting up for their product to solve seems to be emotional instability, not dirty cars.
The novelty of the Powerjet is supposed to be the little compartment for adding soap. Soap wasn’t car wash guy’s problem. In fact, based on what we know about him so far, giving him more soap would risk driving him to psychosis and murder. A subsequent dramatic collapse onto whatever happens to be available at the time is quite possible, and even likely.
#1.
Miracle Blade III (Perfection Series)
What they’re selling: A knife set, shown cutting various objects that you want to destroy, disfigure, or eat.
The hyperbole: The fun starts around 27 seconds in, with a gory scene where a woman stabs a tomato and apparently nicks its artery.
The next shot shows us a guy who is apparently “ruining his meal” by carving his turkey perfectly, completely without the help of a Miracle Blade.
Finally, we are shown a guy dressed like a construction worker cutting some meat with a hacksaw, wearing safety hat and glasses no less.
We realize he’s supposed to be a playful caricature, which is odd considering the entire joke here seems to be that the knives you have at home are probably fine and don’t really need replacing.
It seriously makes us wonder if somebody at the ad company just said “fuck it” and decided to see if the manufacturer and/or the customers would notice an intentionally retarded ad.
Well, the verdict is apparently in. The intro says they’re the best-selling knives in America.
The reality: According to the reviews, the only complaint is too much of a good thing:
As we look back into 2007, we didn’t have many remarkable movies.We are hoping 2008 to be a better year in the movie sphere.Here is a list of most anticipated movies of 2008 according to yahoo:
Shrouded in mystery since the untitled teaser trailer appeared last summer, producer J.J. Abrams’ modern take on the monster movie has had people everywhere buzzing about just what it is that’s tearing New York City apart.
Plot Outline: In Thailand, John Rambo (Stallone) assembles a group of mercenaries and leads them up the Salween River to a Burmese village where a group of Christian aid workers allegedly went missing.
After surprising a lot of people with the success of Rocky Balboa, writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone goes for the one-two punch, bringing back his other iconic character, John Rambo, for a rescue mission in the Burmese jungle.
For the first animated feature based on a book by Dr. Seuss, the creators of Ice Age have recruited two comic heavyweights to lend their voices: Jim Carrey, as the elephant Horton, and Steve Carell as the microscopic fellow only Horton can hear.
Genre: Action / Adventure / Drama / Sci-Fi / Thriller
Plot Outline: When Tony Stark is forced to create a life support suit to keep him alive after an accident he decides to use the technology in his suit to fight crime.
Marvel Comics’ steel-plated superhero is coming to the big screen, with a stellar cast and amazing effects. Robert Downey Jr. brings humor and humanity to the role of Tony Stark, the billionaire who builds and wears the indestructible armor.
Plot Outline: Based on the classic 1960’s Japanese animated series chronicling the aspirations of a young race car driver as he attempts to obtain glory, with the help of his family and the Mach 5, the advanced car created by his father.
The Wachowski Brothers, the creative duo behind The Matrix, return to directing with an altogether different visual extravaganza, the live-action version of a classic anime series. The trailer promises eye-popping sights and a whole lot of speed.
Plot Outline: The Pevensie siblings return to Narnia, where they are enlisted to once again help ward off an evil king and restore the rightful heir to the land’s throne, Prince Caspian.
The four Pevensie children return to the magical world of Narnia to find 1,300 years have passed and an evil king rules the land. They will need the help of the mighty lion Aslan to restore the young Prince Caspian to his rightful place on the throne.
Four years after their series left the air, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha are hitting the silver screen. The teaser trailer shows Sarah Jessica Parker looking fabulous in haute couture, her underwear, and (gasp!) a wedding dress.
From the director of Finding Nemo, Pixar’s next groundbreaking animated film tells the story of a little who spends centuries cleaning up garbage all by himself who finally gets a chance to see what the galaxy has to offer by way of adventure.
Plot Outline: A young man (McAvoy) finds out his long lost father is an assassin. And when his father is murdered, the son is recruited into his father’s old organization and trained by a man named Sloan (Freeman) to follow in his dad’s footsteps.
Angelina Jolie is back in action as a mystery woman named Fox who indoctrinates James McAvoy into a secret fellowship of assassins so highly trained they bend the very laws of physics, with Morgan Freeman as their gun-wielding guru.
Genre: Action / Crime / Drama / Mystery / Thriller
Plot Outline: Batman and James Gordon join forces with Gotham’s new District Attorney, Harvey Dent, to take on a psychotic bank robber known as The Joker, whilst other forces plot against them, and Joker’s crimes grow more and more deadly.
Continuing the story of director Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, Christian Bale returns as the Caped Crusader, this time facing his arch-nemesis, the scarred and scary Joker, played with psychotic menace by Heath Ledger.
Fed up with spam? Tired of telemarketing calls? Feelin’ paranoid about identity theft? ? Here you’ll find a bunch “throwaway” web tools that can help you out.
Disposable email account
Mintemail – Instant disposable email for any ‘fishy’ registration form or sign-up. Go to mintemail.com and a random email address will be automatically generated and copied to your clipboard. You can either bookmark the location of created inbox and use it on a regular basis or always use a new one.
Highlights include: Automatic eMail verification, email forwarding, option to set custom expiry times (from 1 hour to 1 month) and more.
Disposable phone number
Numbr – This is a really good one. Basically, Numbr gives you an anonymous disposable phone number that can be set to forward all incoming calls to any provided landline or mobile number (US only). Absolutely free. It’s an ideal solution for times when you want to keep your phone private but want to list your contact number in places like classifieds listings, social networking sites, blogs ,etc.
Along with the number, you also get access to dozens of cool functionalities, i.e. forward to voicemail, ability to activate/deactivate nr. at any time, etc. Read more: Numbr – Disposable Phone Number.
Disposable login details
BugMeNot – Here you can get disposable login details (username/password) for a huge number of popular news/review/download websites that normally require users to register.
For example, let’s say you clicked on a link that points to an article on a popular media website (eg. NYT). Usually instead of landing straight on the article page you’re asked to signin or register. Maybe there is a good reason behind it, but what’s the point of signing up if that is your first and only visit to that website. When it comes to BugMeNot, it instantly gets you a number of “public” login details that can be used to access the website. It’s fast, it’s convenient and you don’t have to worry about getting spammed.
Disposable name and address generator
FakeNameGenerator – Fun tool for quickly generating fake but totally sound names and contact address. Cool part about it, not only you get to choose country of residence but can also specify what kind of name you’re looking for, i.e. Chinese, American, Indian, etc.
Disposable file sharing
File.io – Anonymous file sharing service where you can upload and share file/s (via password-protected URL) for 30 days. Once 30 day period is over, all shared files will be automatically deleted. Read More: File.io – Disposable File Sharing.
Are you aware of any other ‘disposable’ web service ? Share it in comments.