25 Ways To Get Hollywood To Make a Biopic About You


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Nearly fifty years after the tragic murder of Sam Cooke โ€” the โ€œKing of Soul,โ€ whose musical contributions and Civil Rights successes continue to inspire todat โ€” it looks like Hollywood is just one step closer to adapting his story into a biopic. This hesitant pace โ€” when it comes to one of the greatest soul singers of all time โ€” begs the question: โ€œWhat the hell does it take to get a biopic made these days?โ€ 25 answers to this all-important question lie ahead.

1. Kick your crack cocaine addiction and coach your half-brother to a welter-weight title.

2. Try life as a brilliant Austrian composer who is rich in fame but poor in finances. (Alternative: Become an Austrian composer who is bitterly jealous of former famous composer.)

3. Become the Queen of England.

4. Adopt a speech impediment and become the King of England.

5. Try being an eternally optimistic, cross-dressing film director who surrounds himself with strange characters.

6. Become a sadomasochistic middleweight boxer with mafia connections, rage issues and a habit of quoting Brando.

7. Research and write the tale of two lowlife criminals who savagely killed an entire family in Kansas.

8. Lead the tribes of Arabia against the Turks in World War II.

9. Time travel back to the โ€™70s and become an openly gay politician in San Francisco.

10. Find a job as a chemical technician and attempt to expose your employing nuclear plantโ€™s many safety violations.

11. Invest in a push-up bra and win a $333 million class action settlement.

12. Adopt a morphine addiction and become the most popular French singer of the 20th century.

13. Succumb to severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and transform into a reclusive aviation pioneer/film producer.

14. Go undercover as a New York City cop who tries to take on his own police department.

15. Lead Indiaโ€™s independence movement.

16. Find work as a brave 13th century Scottish knight during the First War of Scottish Independence.

17. Get a gig as a minimum-wage cotton mill worker who fights for unionization.

18. Degrade women (who want to be degraded) on your radio show and give yourself the title of โ€œKing of All Media.โ€

19. Resign from your U.S. presidency after Watergate.

20. Become a nun and help a difficult death row prisoner find inner peace.

21. Experiment with postmodernist/neo-expressionist art and become friends with Andy Warhol.

22. Try life as an eccentric-but-successful U.S. general in World War II.

23. Infiltrate a mafia family as an FBI agent.

24. Establish yourself as the most influential personality of the silent-film era.

25. Sing country music.

Bonus: World’s Greatest Extra