Written by funnyordie

1. Booze

This one’s a no-brainer.  The go-to, the classic breakup default; everyone does some serious whistle-wetting for at least six months after a real heart scrambling.  But hey, there’s a reason the cliche is as alive as it’s ever been.  Though you may be doing no good for yourself whatsoever, you’re about to write (what your soupy brain thinks is) the best screenplay/song that’s ever been written.

2. Word With Friends

The iPhone app that took online Scrabble to a whole new level.  Simultaneous, limitless games that have revolutionized the waiting room/car ride/morning dump experience.  And there’s a chat feature–who needs a significant other when you can play all the mobile Scrabble you’ve ever dreamed of, and be able to smack talk your opponents?  “Triple word score, suck it.”

3.  Hot Pockets Side Shots

You’re sick of spending the dough for organics. You’re sick of that expensive restaurant with “locally grown” ingredients.  You’re fucking hungry and you want some food.  Fast.  Hot Pockets Side Shots; a microwavable, meal-filled bun that Dave Thomas probably thought of on ecstasy while banging his wife.

4.  The Other Half of Your Bed

You’ve been wondering what it’d be like to wake up, you know, comfortably.  There’s another world on the other side of that mattress, and now it’s yours to take over and start your day without feeling like you just slept in a pack of Parliament Lights.

5.  Netflix Watch Instantly

Unlimited hours of TV and movies.  For only eight dollars a month.  And you can watch whatever the hell you want.  No more trying to explain the magic of a great film because your date is too busy texting, no more arm falling asleep while you finish off the burnt popcorn, and no more fights halfway through the movie because of titties.

6.  Porn

Yup.

Bonus: How to Get Your Neighbor’s Dog to Shut Up