Written by Prose Before Hos

After devoutly watching the Simpson’s for 15 years, I thought I’d share my favorite 25 Simpson’s scenes, quotes, and other miscellany sequences from the history of the show. The majority of the quotes from seasons 5-10, but feel free to add your own in the comments (and perhaps I’ll expand it to 50 if a lot more get added).

1. Bill Cosby explains ‘the rap music’ and kids, all while including all his favorite corporate sponsors:

Cosby: Hey, kids! Meet Grampa Murphy.

Child: We have three grampas already!

Cosby: This one’s a great jazz musician.

Child: Oh, they all are.

Cosby: Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.

2. Homer Learns About Taking His Side to the Press

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [cut] her sweet [cut] can. [cut] — o I grab her — [cut] sweet can. [cut] Oh, just thinking about [cut] her [splice] can [cut] I just wish I had he — [cut] sweet [cut] sweet [cut] s-s-sweet [cut] can.

Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]

Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!

Over-Voice: Dramatization — may not have happened.

3. Kang speaks volumes on American politics

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate, Bob Dole.

Kang: Abortions for all.

[crowd boos]

Very well, no abortions for anyone.

[crowd boos]

Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

4. Gas, the world’s only unlimited resource.

Canyonero!

Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down, It’s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!

The Federal Highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.

12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride!

Top of the line in utility sports, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!

She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She’s a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!

5. Homer doesn’t want to deal with Grimey (heya Strech)

Marge: Homer, why aren’t you at work?

Homer: The car won’t start. I don’t feel very good today. I am at work.

Marge: You’re afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren’t you?

Homer: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy, Marge. Get off the road!

[honks horn]

Marge: You have to face him sometime, and when you do I’m sure he’ll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

Homer: No he won’t, he hates me.

Marge: He doesn’t hate you. He just feels insecure because you’re getting through life so easily, and it’s been so difficult for him.

Homer: Yeah, yeah, that’s his problem, he’s a nut! It’s not about me being lazy, it’s about him being a crazy nut.

Marge: Well … maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work.

Homer: [gasps]

Marge: Just a little more. Then he won’t have any reason to resent you.

Homer: I’ll do it! [produces a bottle of Duff] To professionalism!

6. That’s it, I’m going to clown college.

Emcee: And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger — the one with ketchup — here he is, coming in by parachute: Krusty the Klown!

[sound of Homer yelling, getting rapidly louder] [he smashes through the hamburger display; his parachute floats gently after him]

Children: Yay!

Homer: “To audience: I now proclaim this new burger…for sale!”

Children: Yay!

Homer: [sees emcee motioning, laughs like Krusty] [Homer does some inept cartwheels] Oh…save me.

Children: Yay!

[a midget in a prison outfit and mask walks out]

Child: It’s the Krusty Burglar!

Homer: Ohmigod! He’s stealing all the burglars! Why you little –

[jumps Krusty Burglar, starts pummeling him]

Emcee: Oh, Homer, it — it’s all — it — it’s all j — jus — just an act!

Child: [crying] Stop! Stop, he’s already dead.

Emcee: Er, Krusty the Klown, everybody!

[a few children clap; the rest are too horrified]

7. Quintessential Moleman.

Audience: Boo! Boo!

Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?

Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”

Burns: Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?

Audience: Boo! Boo!

Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…

8. It still sounds better than Applebee’s

Moe: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of…crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.

Announcer: At Moe’s, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.

[Moe submerges a whole tray covered with food, utensils,etc., in the deep fryer]

[he takes the fried tray to a couple, who break off pieces and give him the thumbs-up]

9. Set your clock to the jock’s haircut:

Grandma: His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion, of change. A world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down plastic-fantastic Madison Avenue scene.

Abe: Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Is my lip supposed to bleed like this, football star Johnny Unitas?

10. Sideshow Bob explains everyone’s hidden desire for draconian Republican politics:

Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That’s why I did this: to protect you from yourselves.

11. The Worlds Smartest Man: Larry Flynt

Council: Stephen Hawking!

Skinner: The world’s smartest man!

Lisa: What are you doing here?

Hawking: I wanted to see your utopia, but now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

Skinner: I’m sure what Dr. Hawking means is –

Hawking: Silence. I don’t need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame.

Homer:Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

12. Vegetarianism is for commies.

Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don’t have to eat meat! I’ve got enough gazpacho for everyone. [Crowd murmurs.] It’s tomato soup, served ice cold!

[Crowd laughs out loud.]

Barney: Go back to Russia!

13. Can you lend me a jar of love?

Krik: Oh, my demo tape!

Homer: [Homer examines the tape] “Can I Borrow a Feeling?”

[laughing] “Can I Borrow a Feeling?”

[continues laughing] That’s your picture on the front…

[still laughing]

Kirk: Go ahead, Homer, laugh at me.

Homer: I already did.

14. The Infinite Power of DJ Robots

Boss: Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped with angry calls and letter-bombs. And it’s all your fault!

Bill: Yes it is, ma’am.

Boss: This is the DJ 3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.

[presses a button]

DJ 3000: Hey, hey. How about that weather out there?

Woah! That was the caller from hell.

Well, hot dog! We have a weiner.

Bill: Man, that thing’s great!

Marty: Don’t praise the machine!

Boss: If you don’t get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ 3000 gets your job.

[Marty punches it]

DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Bill: [laughs] How does it keep up with the news like that?

15. Candy Apple Island — what’s there!??!

Karl: Hey, I heard we’re goin’ to Ape Island.

Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape.

Karl: I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.

Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?

Karl: Apes. But they’re not so big.

16. Crab juice does sound better

Homer: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I’ll take a crab juice.

17. I was personally spanked by both George Sr. and George Jr.

Homer: He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson?

Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.

Abe: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.

Marge: Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don’t believe in that kind of punishment.

Abe: And that’s why your no-good kids are running wild!

[points at Lisa, who is reading quietly]

18. Take the Zeppelin to Prussia, and say hi to the Bismarck for me:

Burns: Yes, I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Post Office Employee: Uh, I better look in the manual. This book must be out of date: I don’t see “Prussia”, “Siam”, or “autogyro”.

Burns: Well, keep looking!

I tried to find the actual video… but I failed

19. Like Urkel!

Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice… like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night… like Urkel!

20. You’ve never had your pants grabbed off by friendly beavers?

Carl: Oh no! He’s going over the falls!

Lenny: Oh good. He snagged that tree branch.

Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off!

Lenny: Oh good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks.

Carl: Oh no! Them rocks broke his arms and legs.

Lenny: Oh good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him.

Carl: Oh no! They’re biting him, and stealing his pants.

21. McBain Explains Woody Allen:

McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I’m a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

22. What is there to do without cable TV?

Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.

Wiggum: [checking under the covers] Well I’ll be damned.

23. Paddlings.

Jasper: Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling.

24. The man in the White House doesn’t care about sexual harassment:

“Ashley”: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.

“Homer”: I don’t care. [runs it over]

“Homer”: Now I’m going to grab me some sweet.

“Ashley”: No, Mr. Simpson, that’s sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I’ll yell so loud the whole country will hear!

“Homer”: With the man in the White house? [laughs] Not likely!

25. Sweet sweet Mooooon money

Royce: That’s the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You’ll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you’re there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for me — Royce McCutcheon!

Homer: No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

Bonus Clips: Homer socks Lenny

The Blurst Of Times

The Best Of Homer