The Last Person on Earth–What Would You Do?

Collected by John Hudson

visulogik/Flickr under a CC license For those who have misguidedly failed to develop an Armageddon plan, it’s not too late. Eschuk, a user on the social media site Reddit, has created a detailed, eight-phase, 1600-word survival plan in response to the question, “If you became the last person on Earth, what would you do? Realistically.” Eschuk’s vision is nothing if not realistic. We owe Web sites like Kottke for salvaging this nugget from the dustbin of Internet history. Here’s an abridged look at what this inventive, earnest dreamer would do. For the full version, see here.
“Pre-Phase Phase: Before Anything: Eat Exotic Fresh Fruits while they are around. They come from so far away that, odds are depending where you live, you will never ever get to have Banana, Pomegranite, Starfruit or Mango again in your life. Savor every bite. Make Fruit Leathers and Freeze what you cannot stomach to consume.You will also need to bone up on Vitamin C while you’re doing the most work.


Phase 2 – Secure your Food: There’s a ton of food still around in the world that’ll be good for the next decade. Rice and Beans, Canned Fruits and Veggies. The Average Domesticated Human relies on these foods and cannot subsist “off of the land.” …

  • Sysco Trucks are refrigerated and can probably stay cool a week or two, and are likely chock full of the meals you’d otherwise be served after they’ve been microwaved at Olive Garden, Johnny Carino’s, Applebees, TGIFridays, McDonalds, etcetc. If they haven’t been looted already, they’re a great solution to a “freezer farm.” Now that you have all the time in the world, figure out how to use RV Propane Freezers to keep these trucks cool. Move them to your home, reinforce them in concrete and keep them free of bugs and animals.

Phase 3 – Home Compound: Insects and animals will grow plentifully without humans now. Wild Dogs, Bears, Coyotes, Mountain Lions, Feral Cats are all now the enemy. Malaria, Lymes Disease, Bebesia can be carried by insects and with Rabies, will likely grow out of control without human intervention.

  • Secure an area, preferably within a high-walled region to keep bears and other predators away. Chain Link Fences need to be painted to prevent rusting. Paint them with motor oil a couple of times in the summer (if you don’t give a rat’s ass about the environment now)
  • Drive Vehicles over to your Compound while they still work. Mobile Homes, School Buses, Fire Engine Tankers & Ladders, Electrical Contractor Cherry Pickers (for Hunting Blinds), Flatbeds, Box Trucks.


Phase 5 – Recreation

  • Find the closest highway and burn all the gasoline you can syphon out of all the cars around in a Maserati, Ferrari or Ford Focus by risking your fucking life. This insane maneuver might help you keep some sanity… but in 2-years-time gasoline will have gone stale and most cars will sit where they were.
  • There are some propane based cars and Go-Karts. Offhand, I don’t know where I’d find one around here so I’m in a bad position… the internet will be down and “propane go-karts” won’t be found in phone books.


Final Phase – Seal your fate.

You are the last of your kind. Evolution may replace humans with another Sentient Creature capable of interpreting the past, but for now, this is it. As representative for humanity, you do not want to suffer. No sense in bleeding to death over the course of several days pinned underneath a mountain of rubble.

  • Always have the ability to kill yourself nearby. Holster a classy 6-shooter in your shoulder, at your ankle or your hip at all times.

The Debate

2 thoughts on “The Last Person on Earth–What Would You Do?

  1. The Janitor

    That’s pretty thorough actually. I’m not sure weather to be impressed or scared. Tsbytomd would be proud!

  2. corpower

    Most of this is curious, but the ‘Final Phase’ part is inane:

    * evolution doesn’t replace anything
    * how would you know you’re the ‘last of your kind’ (you can’t even find propane, let alone the second-to-last human)
    * representatives, in general, are in such important positions, it is common for them to blow their brains out when touch times are near.
    * make certain you have a ‘classy’ gun to commit suicide and end the human race.


Comments are closed.