25 Things I Didn’t Want To Know About You On Facebook

Written by Claire Suddath

that viral thing facebook 25 random things about

A girl I knew in high school has memorized all of Janet Jackson’s dance routines. A college acquaintance is afraid of train whistles. Five separate people harbor lifelong desires to visit New Zealand. How do I know these things? Because they won’t stop writing about them on Facebook!

Facebook’s “25 Things About Me” meme seems harmless enough; people write 25 facts about themselves and post them on their Facebook pages, just as they do with videos, status updates and photos of last weekend’s party. An estimated 5 million of these notes — that’s 125 million facts — have appeared on the website within the past week. Assuming it takes someone 10 minutes to come up with their list, this recent bout of viral narcissism has sent roughly 800,000 hours of worktime productivity down the drain.

But it’s just so stupid. Most people aren’t funny, they aren’t insightful, and they share way too much. Facebook is a loose social network; a “friend” on Facebook might translate to someone you’d barely recognize in real life. I don’t care that my college roommate’s sister is anemic or that my stepcousin’s boyfriend gets nervous around old people (apparently he’s afraid they’re going to die).

Below are 25 facts I wish people hadn’t told me about themselves. They come from friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-friends-of-friends and coworkers. They are all real, though I wish some of them were not.

1. I eat tacos with a fork.

2. I was fat in middle school. The wake of that horror has yet to subside.

3. I keep forgetting that Barack Obama is our President.

4. I have been pooped on by a monkey.

5. I am addicted to the ass-slap dance move. Sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it.

6. When I finally told my now fiancé that I liked him (as in, liked him liked him), I drunkenly gave him the Anchorman line, “I want to be on you.” He had only seen the movie once and had no idea what it was from.

7. Just because I realize that Asian women are smarter, more attractive, and have about themselves a generally superior level of class does not mean I have a fetish. Just that I’m racist.

8. I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.

9. I can’t grow hair on my arms.

10. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.

11. I think yoga is incredibly spiritual. I know the Lord is with me in my downward dog.

12. I was born with jaundice.

13. I was born pigeon-toed.

14. I was born with an extra kidney. I wish I could have sold it on the black market and made some money, but it was underdeveloped and did nothing but cause me to wet the bed until the third grade.

15. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.

16. A horse once fell over while I was riding it.

17. I don’t believe in democracy.

18. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.

19. I drink two glasses of wine every night before bed. Wait, did I just admit to alcoholism?

20. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.

21. I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk.

22. I once ran into New Kids On the Block’s Joey McIntyre in the lobby of an off-Broadway show. I told him he was the first boy I ever loved. He laughed and kind of smiled. This was the most gratifying moment of my life.

23. My friends say that when they shave my back, I purr like a walrus.

24. I don’t understand what people see in the Godfather trilogy.

25. Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve finally found something more stupid than Twitter.

27 thoughts on “25 Things I Didn’t Want To Know About You On Facebook

  1. David

    So maybe you should just not take your time to read it. You’re rant is possibly one of the most annoying and absentminded I’ve seen. Just because you are not interested does not necessarily translate to hundreds of others. You just wasted 2 mins of my life.

  2. Bilbo Faggins

    Another dumb post here. Wow, what a suprise. I think Ill take a dump and find a better use for my time

  3. SuperHobo

    25 Reasons why this website sucks

    1-24. They post shitty articles that “are the best everyday”
    25. Tripe like this gets repeated the following day.

  4. Nidhi

    Rather a cynical view to life I must say, you too have fallen in the same trap by taking time and writing this post … isn’t it?
    Very judgemental

  5. rock

    “How do I know these things? Because they won’t stop writing about them on Facebook!”

    also because you won’t stop reading them.
    this entire article defeats its own purpose, if that is even possible. tard.

  6. Juli

    That was great! I want to meet all your friends and mesh them into one super friend because that would be the most interesting person since the dawn of time. Except the racist, you can keep him in the dungeon.

  7. Brian

    Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

    (To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

    1. Im Brian, Bri, B, BB, Bri Bri, Briguy,Wilcox, Bcox, Willy, Boston, Hollywood, and soo many more…

    2. I am a scorpio, phase 2..im not crazy into astrology but mine fits.

    3. I am the youngest of 3 but i have a younger step bro too

    4. I grew up in Dorchester and will always be a city boy at heart.

    5. Friends and family are very important to me

    6. I’m a really nice person but cross me, my friends or family and my dorchester roots will come out full force..

    7. I have a lead foot and drive way too fast

    8. I’m always cracking up, but i laugh esp when im nervous

    9. I mimic other peoples laughs

    10. I have an obsession with buying jeans, esp from express..

    11. I am all about the summer and the beach, esp the cape and southern florida (i plan to move back)

    12. I am a flirt by nature

    13. Captain Morgans and Tequilla tend to make my clothes fall off

    14. I am a total make out bandit when i go out

    15. I talk in my sleep, and grind and chomp my teeth..sleeping next to me sucks (so im told)

    16 Im always on my blackberry, it never stops, but im terrible at calling people back.. ill always answer tho, im good like that

    17. I trust people way too easy

    18. I remember the most random things…and forget the most important

    19. I love music, almost everything..my IPOD is the most random collection of songs

    20. I love to travel and love random road trips even more

    21. I eventually want to go back to school and get my degree

    22. I swear way too much

    23. I give good advise to others but dont take it myself

    24. I am always late for everything..my whole life is about 45 mins to and hour slow, always on “brian time”

    25. I have 7 tattoo’s and have plans for a few more

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