Written by holytaco

Company Christmas parties are about sharing a love for Christ with your co-workers, as well as finding someone to rub genitals with. We decided to show you how to do the latter.

1. Do Your Homework

Odds are there are going to be more than a few women at the office Christmas party, and they can’t all be viable options for you. You’ll have to know which chicks to watch and which ones to forget about, so it’s important to be prepared. Pay close attention on casual Fridays. If you know what you’re looking for, the smallest details can speak volumes. Watch for things like tramp stamps, exposed underwear straps, and big slutty heels. Those things say “I have in the past or still do, enjoy casual intercourse with partners I wish to never speak to again.”

2. Make Your Presence Known But Keep Focus

No one is going to bang you if they don’t know you’re there. Therefore, you can’t get sucked into the vortex of the weird IT guy who wants to corner you for forty minutes and talk to you about an episode of the original Batman series were he’s pretty sure Adam West uses the N word. The best way to avoid this is to walk past these people and point at them, while saying their name loudly and adding the suffix “-bo” to the end of it. then continue walking past them. E.g. “Tim-bo!!” If they still attempt to come up to you and engage in conversation, continue walking, and add “You’re hilarious man, I’m gonna head to the bano. We’ll talk later though.” Now you’ve complimented them, as well as substituted the word bathroom for its Spanish counterpart, which for some unknown reason, makes them think you think they’re cool.

3. Watch Who Likes Themselves Some Booze

Booze is like Jeff Goldbum, It’s really great to a point, but if you put too much of it in something it becomes really annoying. Therefore you have to make sure to keep an eye out for who’s downed what liquor and how much of it. Sure, that’s an annoying task, but so is masturbating at 4 in the morning in a Christmas sweater because you tried to take home the girl who was doing the “putting your tongue between two fingers to make the eat my pussy face” signal before they started serving dessert.

4. Smell The Desperation

The great thing about evolution is that it tells us we’re only worth as much as the highest quality penis or vagina we can find to play with us. Now, while we’re sober, we allow things like our career, or integrity to help define our worth. Luckily, booze eliminates those factors, and evolution kicks in. Their body is telling them “Unless you can find someone to make a strong child with, you’re a complete piece of shit.” Thus, the more rejections they get, the closer they are to coming to the realization that nature intended for them to die out. Once they’ve reached the point of “Only finding a penis to enter my vagina will reestablish my worth as a human being” you approach.

5. Be Ready for the Encounter

Now that your target has become sufficiently intoxicated, it’s time for her to start the hunt. Your objective here is to make it seem like she’s found you. She’ll start by drunkenly chatting up every guy in the room. Make sure that you’re toward the front of the line. Most of the dudes she chats with will be thrown by her overt drunkenness, and will stutter, stammer, or take a few moments to get into the “I’m talking to a drunk chick” zone. Those few seconds are enough to send her packing to the next witless beau, so don’t give her a chance. Be in the zone ahead of time, and be ready to engage her in a conversation that a typical drunk would enjoy. Non-sensical observations that make fun of other employees work incredibly well. E.g. “I totally agree, bob from ad sales looks like a circumcised penis.” Reciprocate body language, like touching, laughing, and eye contact.

6. Find the Point of Lowest Self-Esteem & Boost It

Have another drink on hand for this one. A quick visual survey of your target should provide you with adequate material. Odds are, there will be at least one thing that makes your penis cringe a little bit, and if you noticed it, then she is certainly aware of it. Compliment that disgusting attribute, but only once. Avoid mocking tones and gag noises at all costs, and use words like “cute”, “adorable”, and “very attractive”. Examples:

“You have an adorable underbite.”

“That’s a really cute knife-wound scar you have.”

“I have to tell you something: I find your scoliosis brace very attractive.”

7. Know exactly where you can find a taxi

If having sex with someone you work with is considered “shitting where you eat,” then having sex with someone you work with AT your company Christmas party is “shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit.” In other words, don’t do it. Before you enter the party, know exactly where you can catch a cab. Any sort of delay between deciding you’re going to have sex, and having sex, provides your partner with the opportunity to realize what a mistake their making. Drunk people are like monkeys, so if you do have to wait, keep them distracted by showing them a function on your cell phone or feeding them something that needs unwrapping.