Written by Daniel Murphy

People always lament the decline of those quaint mom-and-pop stores as big chains like Target and Wal-Mart dominate the holidays with impossible-to-beat price margins and robust online sites that spare you the ordeal of interpersonal communication.

But here’s something no one considers: What if mom-and-pop are total lunatics? What if the mere act of stepping foot in their store endangers you? What if that little, locally owned store is where the Christmas Spirit goes to die? At least in Costco you’re safe. There are witnesses.

Judging by these local TV ads, such small businesses (ones that the Grinch himself may call “a bit over the top”) do exist. Which calls to mind a platitude that mom always reminds me of around the holidays: Better to get a lump of coal than a lead-painted tea set. (Mom likes her egg nog.)

Hobbymasters

Some notable facts:

1.) This place is so big, you cold easily get lost in there.

2.) Arlene and Charlie can find you anywhere you may try to hide.

3.) Charlie has no qualms about throwing shit at you.

4.) This is how the terrorists win.

Memorable quote: “Not if I spot you first!”

Crazy Gideon’s

Clearly someone forgot to tell Gideon that the “crazy” portion of the name is supposed to refer to the store’s irrationally low prices, not actual psychotic rage.

Memorable quote: “Hurry before I change my mind!” (About what, killing me with a television set?)

Norton Furniture

According to this commercial, here are the reasons you should ship at Norton Furniture:

1.) They’ll give you credit even if you don’t know what credit is.

2.) You can count on the fact that the owner’s name is Mark.

3.) Giant tuxedoed frogs often relax there.

4.) Except when concealed men with hedge clippers go on the attack.

Memorable quote: “Now, seriously. If you can’t get credit in my store,” (coffee break) “you can’t get credit anywhere.”

Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

In the beginning, he actually makes some good points. (He’s right, I’m not going to use that old printer!) But then there’s the whole “being intoxicated” thing, which is usually funny — except when I’m paying you to hold my stuff. Which you then joke about destroying. And that offer to stash my weed? Awfully generous, but I’m going to go somewhere where “BODIES (ALIVE OR DEAD)” isn’t on the price sheet.

Memorable quote: “Do you know how big a bus is?”

Silas Deane Pawn Shop

Here’s the problem with this ad: If you’re doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, why? And no. If that’s how you actually talk, just stop. Stop talking. Stick with print. Billboards. Internet banners. I know what you’re thinking: But how can I go wrong with a slogan like “Get down here now; get down here now”? That’s how.

Memorable quote: “What are you doing? Arghh!”