Written by Suzanne Denbow
Perhaps you’ve only just recently acquired your license to drive, or perhaps you’re a grizzled veteran of the salty tarmac, but either way, you’re interested in perfecting the art of driving as a bloodsport. Believe it or not, angering your fellow motorists to the point of inspiring physical violence isn’t a game of chance, but rather a highly scientific, learned skill. To truly master the art of pissing people off, you need the benefit of years of practice behind the wheel of an extremely obnoxious car (I recommend either a tuned Honda CRX or any type of chromed pickup with a lifted suspension), true greatness can’t be achieved overnight. Everyone needs to start somewhere though, so to get you started on your path towards perfection, I’ve outlined below a few tips that will help nurture and extract your hidden inner douchebag.
1. Do Not Use Turn Signals
Do not under any circumstances ever use your turn signal, period. Turn signals or traffic indicators of any kind are a sign of weakness, and they give your enemy valuable information regarding your battle position.
2. Do Not Yield To Drivers Preparing To Execute A Turn
If the driver in front of you indicates that he is preparing to execute a turn, do not slow down. Instead, maintain your constant speed (75 mph highway, or 55 mph residential) and seconds before your car makes high-speed impact with his rear bumper, turn your steering wheel to the right or left (depending on which direction the vehicle is turning) by a fraction of an inch, barely avoiding a full-speed collision. Remember: under no circumstances should you ever remove your foot from the accelerator. In most cases, the amount of space you will have between the turning driver and the next physical barrier (be it a parked car or an oncoming lane of traffic) will be very, very limited, and the faster you are traveling the less likely you are to make contact with any stationary objects.
3. Treat Construction Zones As An Obstacle Course
Construction zones and the many hurdles they throw at drivers make them the perfect place to hone your skills as an asshole, especially since there’s usually a local cop posted nearby who can serve as an excellent official score keeper. Remember: +1 point for every traffic cone you clip, +2 points for every motorist you cut off when merging, +3 points for every rude hand gesture you receive from the city workers you barely avoid hitting, and +4 points for every additional officer summoned by the aforementioned cop to apprehend your vehicle.
4. Speed Limits Are Relative
It is not important that you observe the posted speed limit, as long as you observe the speed limit posted by the guy in front you. Yes, that kid barreling down the left hand lane at 90 mph in his Acura RSX is an idiot, but he’s also the guiding light to your wayward ocean liner. As long as you’re travelling slower than Speedy Gonzalez is, when he and you finally blow by that police cruiser, that cop is only going to have the man power to pull over one of you and you can bet he isn’t interested in some stoner driving a beat-up Saab, he’s going for the big game.
5. Behave As Though Out-of-State Tags Grant You Diplomatic Immunity
You’re from Ohio, venturing onto the New Jersey turnpike for the first time. You’re not sure what exit to take, so you steadily drive 20 mph under the speed limit lest you miss your turn-off. Or perhaps you’re from Georgia, and during your road trip to the shore, you feel it necessary to bestow a little bit of Southern Hospitality on every driver you meet. So in addition to driving at roughly the same speed as the tourist from Ohio, you also make frequent, sudden stops to yield to other motorists – even when you have the right of way.
Although drivers in both cases would be strictly prohibited from operating heavy machinery in their respective home states, their behavior is perfectly acceptable when travelling outside of their state lines. After all, it doesn’t matter how they do it up/down/over here, you’re from Ohio/Georgia/Florida, dammit, and you are the greatest thing on four wheels since Bobby Labonte.
6. There Is No Predetermined “Passing Lane”
A commonly held myth amongst most motorists is that passing is only permitted/acceptable in the left hand lane. This is simply not true. A “passing lane” is any unobstructed pathway (including grassy medians) through which you can safely navigate your vehicle around slow-moving motorists while only sustaining minor surface damage.
7. Do Not Talk On Your Cell Phone While Driving. Text Instead.
When other drivers see you yakking on your cell phone, they’ll become immediately enraged by your obvious disregard for traffic safety, but they’ll be absolutely livid if they catch you texting while driving. Texting is especially recommend over calling if your phone happens to be equipped with a full QWERTY keyboard, since not only will your attention be completely diverted from the road in front of you, but you’ll also be using your knees to navigate the steering wheel as both hands will be fully occupied texting your bro about the hottie in the Ford Focus next to you.
8. Always Use Halogen Headlights
Halogen bulbs emit a blinding blue light that drivers both in front of and behind you will enjoy immeasurably. If you can’t quite afford a HID upgrade for your car, opt for using your high-beams at all times, especially at night in heavily congested traffic. If you drive a pickup truck or SUV, it is strongly recommend that you accompany the use of Halogens and/or high-beams with very close tailgating. Remember: you aren’t truly a jackass unless your headlights cause permanent retina damage.
9. Speed Through Parking Lots
One secret every driving jerkoff knows is that you can make your best time by laying rubber in the parking lot. Depending on how densely populated the lot is, you should always aim to maintain an average speed of anywhere from 45-65 mph, possibly higher in the event of inclement weather. Not only will this endanger the safety and well being of any pedestrians, if you’re running late for an appointment, you can also shave minutes off your ETT by cutting diagonally across all the empty stalls and ignoring any stop signs.
10. Drive Like A Woman
A good general rule of thumb to follow that encompasses all the basic elements of horrible driving discussed here today is this: before you make any major decision while driving, first ask yourself, “What would a woman do?” If you’re travelling on a four lane highway in the leftmost lane, don’t merge ahead of time into the right-hand lane to avoid a last minute four-lane death race. Instead, maintain a steady 75mph in your current lane and begin to apply a heavy coat of mascara. Then, about 100 yards before your exit, immediately jerk your wheel as hard as you can to the right, smiling sheepishly and giggling girlishly at all the angered motorists behind you.
Or, if you find yourself in the right-hand lane behind a motorist who happens to be travelling too slow for your taste, before you make the logical decision to pass them, try to picture what a woman would do in your situation. Would she pass on the left? No, she wouldn’t. She would tailgate the innocent driver angrily, straining as hard as she could to see over the steering wheel, glaring purposefully at the “total jerk” in front of her. After maintaining about 6 inches of clearance between her and the car in front her for about 10 miles or so, then, and only then, will she pass the driver on the left, making sure to give him the stink eye as she does so.
Remember: most women are born lacking the inherent ability to drive well, so if your ultimate goal is to piss off as many people on the roadway as you can, it would behoove you to duplicate female driving techniques to the best of your ability.
it was fun until step 10… you had to ruin it like that…
yeah some woman are bad drivers… it doesnt mean EVERY woman is a bad driver
you just made one step in how to look like a total asshole routine
So, yeah, once again… the posts that you pick are generally pretty great, but your sexist streak shows through once in a while. Like now.
What’re you women doing on the internet? Get back to the kitchen.
My computer is in my kitchen.
This list was hilarious, right till the end. I’m not offended as a woman, I’m offended because it’s so LAME. Almost as lame as the “get in the kitchen” bit from Seen Eggs. I would expect more from this site than to crap out like that. Something original next time, eh folks?
Absolutely hilarious, and topped off with the truest of them all at the end. All bad driving habits are rolled into one when a female gets behind the wheel. When I meet a bad driver on the highway, I generally assume they are female. 90% of the time….I’m right.
@Travis: 47.3% of all statistics are made up and 9 out of 7 women are bad drivers, the others are actually quite good 49.9% of the time.
I’m with jennifer… AND, not all bad drivers are women. I’m a pretty good driver, with no tickets or accidents for over 10 years, and I do 80mph in a 55mph every morning on my way to work. If I don’t they run me over!!! Who are THEY? All the men who are out and about at 5:30 in the morning… Who are the worst drivers??? Pennsylvanians in general, and men driving minivans in particular. I try to stay away from both. But also, the nicer the people are in one area, the stupider they drive… case in point: people from South Carolina. They are the nicest people I’ve ever met, bless their hearts, but GOLLY they can’t drive!!!
Nice try but there is a good reason my insurance premiums are cheaper than yours. Women are way better drivers.
LULZ! Freakin women….
Good until the last one. Men are douchey, passive-aggressive drivers in at least half of these cases. I know you all prefer men, and homosexuality is never something to be ashamed of, but don’t let it make you misogynistic. And have fun with those insurance premiums.
Is this an attempt to piss off women? The most careful and patient dirvers I have seen are women. And this doesnt discribe women. Like Jennifer said, this excuse is so lame. “.emember: most women are born lacking the inherent ability to drive well…” this is so sexist and fact lacking. Wherever you got that from?
It’s so wrong of you to generalise women like this.
Seen Eggs: the first software was developed by a woman. How cld she have achieve that if she was told that she belongs in the kitchen? Women’s place isnt in the kitchen. Are you from the dark AGE?
Today is the beigning of 16 Days of Activism against gender based violence…. I do hope you know it’s wrong to offend any gender by down playing their ability and integrity
if women are such bad drives, why are insurance rates that much greater for men in comparable age brackets? P.S. I am in my mid 30’s. I have not been in one accident. I have not gotten one ticket for bad driving habits. But my husband who is the same age as i am has been in several accidents, has gotten scores of tickets and is admittedly a worse driver than me. hmmmm…..check with Allstate and Geico on insurance rates for women vs. men with clean driving records, same age bracket and same zip code. would you like salt on that crow you should be eating? The facts speak for themselves and unfortunately they allow morons to post inaccurate information in their cheezy repetitive blogs. And just a little tip, “the best article every day” should change the name to “stuff everyone has already seen all over the internet for the last three years and is so passe’ that it is no longer funny” IMO
Thank god this was written by a woman…
I hate to say this but the reason men have more accidents is because they are dodging the women.