Written by Lauren
You probably despise them when you bump into one on a night out, but they are a bountiful source of entertainment. Only if you like making fun of other people’s misfortunes, that is. These 10 social trainwrecks ensure your night out is anything but dull. The 10 people you don’t want to meet at the bar make you feel that much better about yourself. Maybe you’re being paid $11 an hour and wrote a bad check to the liquor store so that you have enough Popov for the weekend, but hey, at least you aren’t one of these douchetastic species.
1. The Friend of the Bartender
This guy saunters past the line, gives the bouncer a fist bump and makes a beeline to the bar to say a booming hello to his buddy the bartender. He laughs loudly and grabs the remote brazenly to do a “I know the bartender here” channel change. He talks loud enough for everyone in the bar to know that he, is the bartenders friend. He is important. He gets 10% off of draft beers. And he can change the channel himself. Because he’s friends with the bartender.
2. The Guy Who Pretends to Like You to Get Closer to Your Friend
You noticed him checking you out a trip to the restroom to share lip-gloss with your friend ago. He finally approaches your table and asks you the three inevitable questions: 1. Where do you live? 2. What do you do? 3. Is your friend single? You realize that he didn’t care that you are moonlighting, or that you live in a sweet little place in town, which has a gym and a killer pool. He pumped you for information to get closer to your hot friend. “Let me save you some time: She thinks you’re a douche. If you’re not buying a round, get the fuck away.”
3. The Girl Who Thinks Everyone is Hitting on Her
“Excuse me”, you say. She looks you up and down, gives a disgusted look and claims, “I have a boyfriend!” Relax bitch, I just asked if you could move your fat ass out of the way because I have to take a shit and you’re blocking the bathroom door.
4. The Business Card Guy
He got off work four hours ago, but is still in his suit and tie. He looks important. Business Card Guy sits alone at the bar and is constantly looking around for his fake date, who is invisible and thirty minutes late. Scrolling on his Blackberry, he strikes up a friendly conversationwith you, and you make a general remark about the dwindling economy and return to your rousing game of interactive bar trivia. “Give me a call if you’re ever in the market to make some extra green.” You begrudgingly pluck the business card that he is holding between his fingers like a cigarette and glance at it. Douche VonAwful of Pyramid Scheme, Inc. Naturally.
5. The Fat Girl With High Self Esteem
Sure, she has big cans, but she weighs a metric ton and has vascular disease. For some reason, she has unusually high self-esteem for such a Roseanne. She tries to create a persion from her body by wearing oversized necklaces, earrings and bracelets, but this only makes her look like a cellulite ridden version of Mr. T, except with more facial hair and less scowly. In fact, this bitch appears to be happy. Spare me.
6. The Guy Who Bums Your Last Smoke but Doesn’t Inhale
“Bum a smoke?” He’s not really cute, but you haven’t talked to anyone all night. You reach for your Marlboro Lights and light up, then offer the last cigarette in the box to him, so that he knows it is your last one. Any real smoker would know the etiquette of never to bum a smoker’s last cigarette. “Thanks”, he says. It is then that you realize that this asshole is bumming a smoke as an excuse to chat you up. You watch as he raises the ciggie to his never oxygen deprived lips as if he were on Fear Factor. Just as you suspected. After a small suck, guy quickly blows a thick cloud of smoke out. The bitch didn’t inhale. Wasteful fuck.
7. The Sunglasses At Night Guy
Possibly the worst offender. You and your girlfriends hit the dancefloor after “California Love” comes on. It is then that you see him. His black hair looks wet, he has Versace sunglasses on, long gold chains resting on his exposed pubey chest. Oh God. He mistakes your look of horror as a look of “Goddamn! That guy is so hot, my mouth just dropped open!” He shimmies on over to you and you almost choke from his Aqua Velva cologne. You turn to leave, but not before he gives you a pinky wave laden with gold and diamonds.
8. The Drunk Guy Who Loves The Jukebox. And Music.
Guy at the jukebox. He loves music so much, he would let it go down on him. He has been generally moving to the beat of each song and rasps out a few “YOU! Shook me all night long!” Generally enjoying himself whilst making a complete asshat of his life. The song changes, you see his eyes light up, he holds his breath, hurridly taps his friends on the shoulders and notifies everyone that this is HIS song. “Who Let The Dogs Out?” Speaks volumes.
9. The porcee Who Is Socially Inept
He’s 47 and his wife of 18 years just porced him. You would think he’d be looking for some ass, but he just wants to talk. Mostly about his ex-wife. Once he gets the hot 21 year old a Long Island Iced Tea, he knows he has her captivated at least for two long swallows. She seductively sucks on a marchino cherry from the bar but he doesn’t have a clue. After twenty minutes, hot 21 year old is letting this man sob into her extensions and offers a hand job to which he politely declines.
10. Your Boss After You Called In Sick
You called in sick to work on a Wednesday to hang out with your buddy and spend the day drinking. Once 6pm rolls around, you guys are nicely toasted and head out to the local bar. After a pitcher and a basket of beer battered fries, you do a barf/burp and high tail it to the john to barf and make room for more beer. Once you stumble back to your bar stool, you hear someone calling your name. You deftly swing your head around and holler, “That’s ME!” After you wipe the spittle from your lips, you narrow your glassy eyes and realize it’s your boss. Shit. He doesn’t look happy. You offer a cough as if you were asking a question and put out your cigarette.