Written by James Wax
When iPhone was first released, just having one was enough to draw attention and establish hipness with beautiful women. Remember when girls crowded around for a demonstration of the magical touchscreen or to watch YouTube videos in the palm of your hand?
Their eyes widened with childlike wonder as you described the beauty and elegance of iPhone and its utter superiority to every device known to man.
Sadly, those days are gone. In the past year iPhone has become common place. With the coming price drop to $200 any goober will be able to get one.
Yet the iPhone is still a powerful tool. Here are the best ways to unleash the seductive power of iPhone.
1. Unlock it
Nothing tempts a girl’s wild side like a bad boy, and that’s exactly what an unlocked iPhone says: I don’t play by the rules, danger doesn’t scare me, and I have crazy skills you can’t even comprehend. Plus it gives you access to the 3rd party apps that are too cool for regular users.
Who cares if it can be done by any chump in 45 seconds. She doesn’t know that. Bonus points for using the term “hacked” and alluding to the danger of an iPhone being “bricked”.
2. All-Star Photo Album
So you just met a cute girl. How do you prove that you do amazing things all the time and have many cool friends? This is the ideal use-case for the All-Star photo album. Create a special album on your iPhone of all your most impressive pics: snow boarding in the Swiss Alps, you with your friends at the Radiohead concert, and pictures of you with other attractive women are all good candidates.
When you get her alone for a moment, say something like, “OMG you’ve gotta see this photo of me [insert cool thing here]” and proceed to go through the entire album, commenting about how great a time you had and how cool your friends are.
3. iPod Tunes Master
Dozens of targeted playlists in the palm of your hand. This needs no explanation. Create playlists to set different moods: chill, party-time, low key, and of course, romantic. To get the ultimate effect, invest in a set of portable speakers. When you bust out the tunes at the beach, park, etc. you will be the man. We highly recommend flipping through cover flow mode for maximum visual effect.
4. Contacts, the more the merrier
Make sure you have lots of contacts, because seriously, you are so freaking popular. To inflate your contacts count, import all of your email contacts into your address book and upload them to iPhone. She won’t know that 2/3 of those people have never seen you in person.
Expert tip: Complain about searching your contacts list saying, “I can’t stand looking for contacts on my iPhone — it only lets you search by 1 letter. How am I supposed to sort through 300 Johns?” Note: This is the only acceptable circumstance to complain about iPhone.
5. Stocks
Women like men with money and ambition. Show her you’re on the way to wealth by constantly checking your stocks. When you catch her trying to see what you’re looking at, casually comment on your gains and losses, throwing around buzz words like “credit crisis”, “oil bubble”, and “consumer confidence”. Assure her you will achieve superior returns by investing in commodities and precious metals that will be essential to the growth of developing nations.
6. Save the Day with Maps
Maps is the ultimate clutch iPhone feature. The best time to break it out is when you’re with a group of people and need to find something in an unknown area — pizza, hardware store, gas station, etc. As soon as the opportunity arises, execute a search in maps and lead the group to success. Even better if you can use iPhone to instantly call the place. By solving the problem and taking charge you’ll establish yourself as a resourceful leader — a quality highly regarded by women.
7. Look Smart with Safari
When an argument arises over a particular fact, look smarter than everyone else by finding the correct answer with Google. This is the only time you will wish to conceal iPhone use from females. It’s great for settling disputes about the proper definition of a word or the location of obscure African nations.
In case it’s not clear, using iPhone will make you look like a rich, smart, cultured, resourceful, exciting, and popular bad ass. We can’t wait for 3G.
This article has a very limited scope: basically it can only be appreciated by single male iphone users. On top of that, there are those of us who prefer to “impress” women with things slightly less superficial than a fancy gadget, like, oh, for example, our intelligence, or our ability to communicate, or our willingness to ask for directions, or our ability to hold down a job, or our interesting friends or book collection or CD collection or any number of things. The qualities in a man that women might appreciate can easily be expressed in other ways, without electronics.
If this had just been an article about interesting features of the iphone, it might have been more interesting. But an article intended to assist single males “wow” females with an iphone is simply a waste of time.
In short, I think this article is inane, and most definitely does not qualify for the description of “best article” in any category.
Are you being paid by Apple for the blatant advertising you are continuously giving this phone?
Some people don’t get jokes, do they?
Please give me back my 2 mins spent reading this non funny article.
did no one figure out this was sarcasm?
I’m a woman. I’m not impressed by iPhone or any other toy. I am impressed by most of the things named above by Mr. Right and one more thing: An excellent sense of humor.
If this article is supposed to be sarcasm, sarcasm fails spectacularly in this type of media, at least this one did.
yeah,
because us girls think that an unlocked phone and google is kinky and seductive,
right?
NO.
Fail.
Truth is, most girls *ARE* just that shallow today. Sad, but true.