Written by J.J. Nixon

Author’s note:

Greetings, dear readers.

Below these words you will find a list of a dozen and one actions you would do well to not perform on a first date. Each item on the list is appended with a brief commentary explaining its inclusion thereon, and the effects its utilization imparts on the proceedings of dates in general. Also included under each entry are two partly fictional example scenarios wherein the avoidance (Good), and non-avoidance (Bad), of the action is exhibited. It is the author’s dearest wish that these humble guidelines be taken to heart and used to their fullest extent. If they have managed to do so but a little, then their and my work is done.

Sincerely,
The author, J.J. “Linux Fan” Nixon

1. Being late

Arriving on time is, of course, a prerequisite to a successful date – perhaps the most important of them all. No lady will have much respect for a man who is unable to keep his appointments. Even five minutes of tardiness may prove to be devastating. On the other hand, turning up early is also undesirable, as it indicates an unseemly eagerness and a lack of prior engagements, both of which are hallmarks of lesser men. Therefore, make sure that you arrive exactly on time (give or take a few seconds, of course). Arrange your schedule so that nothing can possibly come in the way of this. Cancel all your previous meetings, tell any visitors that you might be entertaining to depart, force the taxi driver at gunpoint to adjust his speed according to your needs. Whatever it takes. And finally, remember the old adage: “My heart, it is not with a man who comes late, but a man that’s on time is undoubtedly great.”

Scenarios:

Bad:
You (glancing at watch): “…Fuck!”
…
You (arriving at meeting point to discover date is not there anymore): “…FUCK!“

Good:
Her: “Hi!”
You: “…Hello.”
Her (opens mouth to speak): “-“
You: “So here I am, at the exact place we agreed we would meet. On time.”
Her: “Yeah.”
You: “Whereas you were two minutes and thirty-nine seconds late.”
Her: “…Yeah.”
You: “…”
Her: “…”
You: “…”
Her: “Is… is that a problem?”
You (face in hand): “…”
Her: “Look, I’m sorry…”
You (sighing audibly): “…You know what, nevermind.”

2. Coming on too strong

Maintaining a respectful distance during the early phase of the date is absolutely vital; both an emotional and, especially, a physical one. If you do not immediately show the lady that you are gentle and sensitive, she may shy away from you beyond hope of reversal. Any and all bodily contact between the two of you should be kept to a minimum, such as a casual “accidental” meeting of your respective hands and the like. Avoid close contact if at all possible and, above all, do not touch the lady in any manner that might be considered ungentlemanly, as most women prefer not to be treated like a piece of meat. Under no circumstances is this allowed, even in situations where your instincts may tell you otherwise, such as the lady spilling her beverage over her bosom and not having a handkerchief at hand; or the lady falling unconscious due to an accident or a sudden violent bout of allergy and requiring cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

Scenarios:

Bad:
Her: “Hi!”
You (punching her in the face as hard as you can): “Hi!“
Her (hitting the ground noisily, falling unconscious): “-“
You: “So I know this really great little Italian place we could go to.”
Her: “-“
You: “…”
Her: “-“
You: “Chinese it is, then!”

Good:
You (“accidentally” brushing your hand against hers): “Oh! Your hands are so soft! May I touch them, please?”
Her: “Yeah… sure.”
You (rubbing hands): “Ooooohhh, soooooft.”
Her: “…Yeah…”
You: “You simply must tell me what hand cream you use.”
Her: “Well, I-“
You: “Ooh, and your lips look so soft as well! May I touch them too?”
Her: “…”
You: “You simply must tell me what lipstick you use.”

3. Staring

Despite what some men might tell you, very few ladies desire to be gaped at as if they were some sort of prized ham to be devoured solely by the use of one’s eyes. (As an aside, I should advise you to forever part company with any such men you may consider friends, as they are obviously deeply disturbed). While it may be true that many women strive to improve and accentuate their natural beauty for the benefit of man’s eyes, it should nevertheless be considered highly inappropriate to look at them for more than the briefest moment at a time. It is most important that you never allow a lady to catch you staring at her, especially certain sensitive parts of her body, or else all hope of further advancement may be lost. When addressing your lady friend, do not look at her directly, not even her eyes. Instead, pretend to examine an interesting item in your vicinity, such as a glass or teacup, a floor tile or another woman standing nearby (preferably with her back turned towards you).

Scenarios:

Bad:
You (staring at her breasts): “-“
Her (oblivious): “The weather’s really great today, don’t you agree? I really like these clear, sunny days when it’s not too hot. It’s a shame we don’t get them that often anymore blah blah blah blah pollution blah blah blah smog blah blah blah blah cancer blah blah blah blah emissions blah blah blah global warming blah blah blah blah penguins and polar bears blah blah blah blah blah blah mother earth blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”
You (staring at her breasts): “-“
Her (catching on): “…”
You (still staring at her breasts): “-“
Her: “Um… Excuse me, are you staring at my brea-“
You: “Shh. I’m staring at your boobs.”
Her (looking offended): “…”
You (still staring at her breasts): “-“
Her: “Okay, please stop do-“
You: “Could you turn around, please? It’s time to stare at your ass now.”

Good:
You (looking up at the sky): “-“
Her: “The weather’s really great today, don’t you agree? I really like these clear, sunny days when it’s not too hot. It’s a shame we don’t get them that often anymore, you know?”
You (looking at the ground): “Yes, yes, I know.”
Her: “I mean, there’s so much pollution in cities nowadays. In many places, the smog is just unbearable, not to mention it promotes diseases like emphysema and cancer. I hope that some laws to curb these harmful gas emissions take effect soon, or there will be nothing to curb the relentless encroachment of global warming, you know?”
You (looking at your watch): “I know… I know.”
Her: “I just don’t think humans fully appreciate its effects on…”
You (trying to look inside your skull): “-“
Her: “…Are… Are you okay?”
You (looking at your crotch): “Yeah… we’re okay.”

4. Being offensive

A sure way for a lady to lose all interest in pursuing a deeper relationship with you is recognizing you as a boorish clod. Bear in mind that ladies are much more sensitive than men by birth, so be sure to avoid making disparaging comments towards certain groups of people, even if these people are naturally inferior to you and me. Rid your jest repertoire of any crude jokes that may be construed as being insulting to the aforementioned people, as they may achieve the exact opposite effect of that intended (it being, of course, making a lady fall for your smashing sense of humor). Furthermore, if you chance to encounter any such individuals during the course of your date, pass them by politely, rather than pausing by their side and inflicting verbal or physical abuse on them, even though they may deserve it, and more besides.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “…And then the rabbi says: ‘That’s not a dozen dead niggers, that’s my wife!‘ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Her (blank stare): “…”
You (tears of laughter obscuring vision): “Hehehe- hey, how about this one: Three faggots and a serial killer walk into a bar…”
Her (sobbing softly): “…”
You: “Oh, I see you’ve already heard that one. Say by the way, you got any gay, black or Jewish relatives? Me and my gang could rough ’em up a bit, if you want. Show you what a pool stick does to a cheek bone.”
Her (crying openly now): “…”
You: “…Any Mexicans, maybe?”

Good:
Her: “…And the man replies: ‘I did take him to the zoo yesterday. Today, I’m taking him to a hockey game!”
You: “Hehehe. I bet it was a Penguins hockey game.”
Her: “Heh, yeah. Hey, do you know any funny jokes?”
You: “Do I? Do I ever! Let’s see, there’s the one with the blonde and the fifteen coc- wait, that’s no good… Then there’s the one with the Arabs and the huge pile of d- no, no, that won’t do… Um… How about the one with the dog and the thousand naked- oh God no. Okay, okay, think… think… good, clean, funny joke… nice… little joke… must… tell… a…”
Her: “You know, you don’t really need t-“
You (getting desperate): “NO no, it’s good, I got it, I got this, don’t worry, I got it… joke… jokey jokety mcjoke joke joke… ummmmmmmmm… um um um um ummm…”
*5 minutes pass*
You (on edge of nervous breakdown): “HEY! I g- I got one! I got one! Okay, okay, okay. Check it: Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Her: “…”
You (grinning maniacally): “To get to the other side!”
Her: “…”
You (still grinning, left eye twitching slightly): “…”
Her: “That… That’s pretty funny.”
You: “Heh, yeah. I know. Hey wait, I think I got another one.”

5. Being nosy

A woman’s defining natural trait is her insatiable curiosity; that much we all know. However, that does not mean you should stoop to her level, and be inquisitive in turn. Men are much more reserved in that regard and should normally be quite satisfied with gathering little tidbits of personal information here and there, mostly by themselves, and combining them into a whole of their choice. Although some ladies enjoy giving away facts about themselves almost as much as they enjoy receiving those about others, it is not likely that your lady of the moment is among them. Therefore, do not pressure her by issuing queries regarding her private life. On the other hand, go ahead and discuss yourself as much as you wish, or even more. Feel free to exaggerate at your leisure, as women usually accept all they hear without question and later pass it on to their friends with exaggerations of their own added. This may well end up presenting viable possibilities for the future should your current date go astray.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “Alright, so before you start talking about other things, I’ve prepared a short questionnaire for you.”
Her: “…Okay…”
You: “Are you a virgin?”
Her: “Um… Excuse me?”
You: “I asked you if you were a virgin.”
Her: “Uh… no.”
You (writing): “Answer number one… slut. Okay, next: Have you ever had sex with a girl?”
Her (looking offended): “What?”
You: “Or, you know, just made out or something.”
Her: “Not that it’s any of your business, but no!”
You (writing): “Answer number two… Threesome unlikely. Too bad. Next question: Are you interested in BDSM?”
Her: “I’m not even answering that.”
You (writing): “Number three… Possible… Could be persuaded by alcohol.”
Her (looking very angry): “…”
You: “Great! Three down, only forty-seven to go! Next: How many incurable STDs do you currently have?”

Good:
You: “…And then I met up with you today. So, that’s the life story of me and my huge penis. Questions? Comments?”
Her: “That was very… exhaustive. As for me, I was born in-“
You (interrupting): “No, no, no. You don’t have to tell me anything about yourself. I don’t want to pressure you or anything.”
Her: “That’s okay, I-“
You (interrupting again): “No, no, no, no. I don’t want to make you feel like I’m some kind of stalker, obsessed with every tiny little detail about your life. I’m perfectly fine with not knowing more than I already do, seriously.”
Her: “No really, it’s n-“
You (interrupting yet again): “NO, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please. It’s okay. No information. I’m not even that interested in you.”
Her: “…”

6. Talking to other people

Being on a date means devoting all your senses and attention to a single person: the one next to you. All other people should be disregarded as much as possible. If you happen upon an acquaintance, ignore them. If a friend approaches you, act as if you do not know him. If a stranger comes soliciting or begging for money, give them a look promising severe discomfort in their near future unless they withdraw at once. Roll up your sleeves if necessary. Leave your mobile telephone at home unless you absolutely cannot. If such is the case, disable any and all of its functions that might lead to a sound being made. Remember that one single ring may break the magic of the moment and render the lady disenchanted for the rest of the evening. If that does indeed happen, destroy the device as soon as you return to your abode.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “And then I kicked him in the… Holy junk, it’s Frank! HEY! FRANK! OVER HERE!“
Frank (coming over): “Hey, man! Nice to see you.”
You: “You too, dude! Say, have you bounced back from Saturday yet? Man, that shit was off the hook! I didn’t know it was possible for a human to vomit that far. And then Mike passed out and we all teabagged him! Best party ever!”
Frank (mildly uncomfortable, glancing over at your date): “Heh, heh. Yeah. Um…”
You: “OH! I almost forgot. This is [Her]. [Her], this is Frank.”
Frank: “Uh, hi.”
Her: “Hi.”
You: “Why don’t you join us, Frank?”
Frank: “No, that’s okay, I was just-“
You: “I’m sure [Her] won’t mind, will you, [Her]?”
Her (lips pursed): “…”
You: “See?”
Frank: “Actually, I-“
You: “Sit down, Frank.”
Frank (sitting down): “…”
You: “Isn’t this nice? Say Frank, could you show [Her] your impression of Monica Lewinsky? It’s hilarious.”
*your phone rings*
You: “Could you guys excuse me for a minute? It’s my girlfriend.”

Good:
You: “You know what I think is a really underappreciated sport? Pro wrestling. I mean, these guys beat the hell out of each other on a daily basis and what do they get? A bunch of people calling them ‘fakes’. It’s incredibly insulting. Also, do you have any idea how many weights they have to lift to get a body like that? Speaking of their bodies, I wish I had one like that. Sometimes I imagine I-“
Waitress (rudely interrupting): “Can I get you something?”
Her: “I’d like some herbal tea with honey, please.”
Waitress (looking at you): “And you? What would you like?”
You (looking away from waitress, pointedly ignoring her): “…”
Waitress (looking at you): “…”
You (still ignoring waitress): “…”
Waitress (still looking at you): “…”
You (shooting a brief angry glance at waitress, then looking away again): “…”
Waitress: “Maybe I should come back lat-“
You (jumping up, confronting waitress) “THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT! Why do you keep TALKING TO US?! Can’t you just LEAVE US ALONE?! Is it TOO MUCH TO FREAKING ASK?! Is it not possible for a couple to come to a cafe and sit for FIVE MINUTES without their privacy being violated, nay, utterly ANNIHILATED?! I bet you people would like to see us naked, wouldn’t you? Is THAT it, huh?! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ME NAKED?! HUH?! WOULD YOU?!“
Waitress: “Sir, if you would please calm down and-“
You: “COFFEE! I want FUCKING COFFEE! There! Are you HAPPY NOW?! You’ve ruined it! You ruined EVERYTHING! I hope this knowledge torments you until the last days of your life! I HOPE THE PAIN FOLLOWS YOU INTO YOUR VERY GRAVE!“
Waitress: “Espresso or cappuccino?”
You (looking away, ignoring her again): “…Cappuccino.”

7. Neglecting your date

I direct your attention to the first sentence of the point above. Under no circumstances whatsoever should the lady feel neglected in any way, shape or form. Do not leave her side even for a moment, barring an emergency of a truly prodigious scale. Cater to her needs if it is within your power. Get her a drink if she seems thirsty. Buy her a bite to eat if she looks hungry. Offer her your coat is she shivers. Provide her with a fan if she swelters. Give her your hat if she looks at it longingly, and so on. If a lady begins to feel that you are losing interest in her, she will soon become distant in turn. Worse yet, it may cause great damage to her self-confidence, which down the road, can eventually lead into her turning into a cold, embittered woman, a loss to you and other men everywhere, especially if she is of good looks.

Scenarios:

Bad:
Her: “So what do you think of employing the handicapped? I think it’s a wonderf-“
You: “Hold that thought. I gotta go take a dump.”
*25 minutes later*
You: “Okay, I’m back- wait, crap, I forgot to wipe. Back in a moment.”
*12 minutes later*
You: “Alright, where were we?”
Her: “I was just saying that employing the handicapped is a wond-“
You: “Could you wait a moment? I need to go jack off.”

Good:
Her: “Could you excuse me for a minute? I need to use the ladies’ room.”
You: “No need, I’ll just come with you.”
Her (looking puzzled): “…”
You (smiling encouragingly): “…”
Her: “…I’m sorry, but I’d rather go on my own.”
You: “It’s okay, I was in the ladies’ room before. As a matter of fact, I use it all the time.”
Her: “…”
You: “Or we can go to the men’s room, if you’d prefer. Say, how do you like my hat?”

8. Bailing out

There can never be a reason strong enough for you to suddenly terminate the date. Casting the lady aside in such fashion is one of the most ill-mannered, disrespectful things you can possibly do to her. By accepting her invitation to a date (or vice versa, possibly), you have given her an unspoken agreement that you will stand by her side and remain there for the entire duration of said date. It is your duty as a man to hold your word, no matter what. Failure to do so would effectively mean that you have forfeited your right to bear the title of gentleman. A flooded house, a sudden death in the family, your mother being held hostage by terrorists demanding a ransom within a restricted time period, your wife having a baby, all those things can, and in many cases will, wait.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “…And then the bastard fired me. Can you imagine? Let me tell you, I had half a mind to walk straight into his office and slit his- HOLY FISHING JESUS! I FORGOT ABOUT THE MACGYVER MARATHON! GOTTA GO!”
Her: “Bu-“
You (gone): “-“

Good:
You: “And then she left me. Just like that. One day I come home to an empty apartment. And I mean empty. She took everything. Everything. The TV, the radio, the computer, the microwave, the toaster, the dishes, the books, the carpets, the paintings, the dog, the hamsters, the food, the beer, everything. All she left me was a broken heart and an empty bed. A broken heart… and an empty bed. Except she also took the bed. She even took my porn collection. And she wasn’t even into anal, [Her]… She wasn’t even into anal.
Her: “…Wow… That’s… too bad.”
You: “I cried for months. I’d just lock myself into the bedroom and cry all day long. For months. It was hell. Hell. Anyway, [Her], I want you to know that I would never ever do anything like that to you. Ever. I would never ever leave you. Not like that. Never. I will always stay by your side. I will never, ever let you out of my sight, [Her]. All day and all night, 365 days a year, I will be there, watching over you. All the time. We will always be together. Always. We will never ever be separated. Never. Ever.”
Her: “…”
You: “What’s the matter? You look a little pale.”

9. Getting drunk

Alcohol is a poison to your liver and love life alike. Ingesting it before or during a date would be highly ill-advised. There are few things that can make a lady lose more respect for you than seeing you in jolly company with a large amount of Mr. Ale. Whereas it is true that a certain level of alcohol in your system makes everything better, the line between being merry and voiding your stomach on the sidewalk can be thin indeed. It should also be noted that alcohol affects different men in different ways: whereas some can drink a wheelbarrow full of whisky and live to tell the tale, others are denied the weight-bearing support of their feet merely by being in the vicinity of a glass of diluted apple cider. Since it is better to err on the side of caution, it is best to stay away from alcohol altogether. Do not let yourself be tempted by any people offering it to you. Use force if necessary. (An exception to this rule comes into play if your lady friend enjoys the bottle as well. Should that be the case, the above lines may be mostly disregarded, and a fun time can be had by both, especially you.)

Scenarios:

Bad:
Her: “Okay, please give me the glass. I think you’ve had enough.”
You: “Warar you talkin a-bout? I didn’t have enough of… of whaever. Say, you two look a bit… fuzzy. Hic! When ws- when was the last time you shaved?”
Her: “You’re drunk. Please, give me the glass.”
You: “I’m not drrrunk! I’m sober as a… a bull… dozer. A f- a flying… bulldozer.”
Her: “Wait, what are you doing?”
You (on table): “Look at me I’m -burp- Michael Jackson!”
Her: “Please, get down from there!”
You (trying to moonwalk): “Oo hoo! Oo hoo!”
*you fall off table*
Her: “Oh my gosh. Are you okay?”
You (picking yourself up): “I- I- I’m fine. My… my head broke… my fall. Saaay, does this taste funny to you-“
*you vomit on table*
Her (jumping away): “Holy-“
You: “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!”

Good:
You (eyeing your drink suspiciously): “…”
Her: “What’s wrong?”
You: “Do you think there’s any alcohol in this?”
Her: “What?”
You: “Alcohol. Do you think any of it is in this?”
Her: “Well… since coffee rarely contains alcohol, my guess would be no.”
You: “But how can you be sure? I mean, what if this one does? What if the people who run this place put alcohol in their coffee? Or what if they usually don’t, but decided to put it just in this one? I mean, like if they were bored, and put it in for kicks? Or what, what if they left the coffee sit for too long and it fermented? And have you considered that maybe all coffee everywhere contains alcohol, but people just don’t realize it?!”
Her: “Okay, now you’re being ridiculous. Besides, even if there had been any alcohol in there, the heat would have caused most of it to evaporate by now. And in any case, why are you so afraid of ingesting a little alcohol?”
You: “Well, what if I am allergic to it? Or if my religion doesn’t permit it? Have you considered that? Or are you too narrow-minded? Also, I have to be careful so you don’t take advantage of me.”
Her: “…You’re kidding.”
You: “Oh, like you haven’t been thinking about it all night. I see the way you stare at me, devouring me with your eyes like I was some kind of eye burger, or eye pie or something. I perceive your mind, and oh, what a disturbing mind it is. I can see your thoughts, swimming through its sunless, murky depths like fish, black, hungry fish, craving nothing more than to sink their corrupted teeth into my soft, juicy, mouthwateringly delicious flesh.”
Her: “…”
You: “Who can blame you, though. I’m tempted to take advantage of myself, right now.”

10. Being cheap

When departing for a date, it is important to leave your love of wealth at home. Being liberal with your spending while entertaining a lady is to be considered highly beneficial, as it promotes the lady’s sense of owing you something. This usually leads to her thinking of a way to return the favor somehow, a most delicious dilemma for her to have from a man’s point of view. Therefore, do not be stingy with your money. Cover all expenses in restaurants and the like. Give the lady some coins to throw into a wishing well. Buy her items she desires openly and, if you are able to determine what they may be, items she desires secretly. Of course, none of these items need be (and for your wallet’s sake, should be) expensive. It should be noted that some women prefer their men to be frugal, but such women are generally interested in pursuing a long-term relationship and should thus be avoided.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “Check, please!”
Waitress (bringing check): “…”
You (smiling, handing the check to your date): “Here, you pay.”
Her: “…Excuse me?”
You: “Modern women like to pay for their own things. It gives them a sense of not being completely useless. I read it in Hustler or something. They also like to take care of their men. Me being your man, I’m giving you the joy of taking care of me. And I don’t have to waste any of my money, so that’s good, too. See? Everyone’s happy!”
Her (scowling): “…”
You: “Oh, and don’t forget the tip.”

Good:
You: “Check, please!”
Waitress (bringing check): “…”
You (smiling): “Don’t worry, I got this.”
Her: “Oh, there’s really no need-“
You: “No, I insist. I’m a man, and real men take care of their women.”
Her: “That’s… that’s sweet.”
You: “Don’t even mention it. I mean, imagine what would happen if women tried to take care of themselves. Or God forbid, other people. The whole place would fall apart in a matter of days.”
Her: “Okay, now that’s just s-“
You: “By the way, I’m not leaving a tip. I thought the service was terrible.”

11. Hurting animals

The inclusion of this point may seem strange at first, as animals hardly have an important role in most first dates, but it is important to remember that love of living things is perhaps the only thing that binds all women together. Therefore, it is to be logically concluded that hurting animals is something every woman abhors. Kicking a cat, backhanding a bird, even intentionally stepping on a snail all have a similar effect on members of the opposite sex: hidden tears and blossoming hatred towards the man responsible for these actions. Conversely, being kind to the less intelligent cohabitants of our planet and showing concern for their well-being elevates your status in female eyes to surprising heights, since most females are used to men not caring about animals beyond the confines of their steak plate. (Note that for all intents and purposes of this point, babies are to be considered animals as well.)

Scenarios:

Bad:
Her: “Aww look, a puppy!”
Puppy (happily wagging tail): “Woof!”
You (taking can of gasoline and matches out of trunk): “Hee hee!”
Puppy (looking curious): “Woof?”
You (setting puppy on fire): “HEE HEE!”
Puppy (on fire): “WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA”
*puppy rolls on the ground in agony*
You: “HEE HEE HEE!“
Her (stunned, motionless): “…”
You: “HEE hee… What?”
Her (tears welling up): “…”
You: “What?”
Her (crying, running away): “…”
You: “What?“

Good:
You: “Hey look, a mosquito.”
Her: “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.”
*mosquito is smashed*
Her: “Ha! Got it.”
You (stunned, motionless): “…”
Her: “What is it?”
You (tears welling up): “…”
Her: “Is something wrong?”
You (crying, running away): “…”

12. Discussing sensitive subjects

There are certain topics of conversation which should only be discussed under special circumstances. These topics include, but are by no means limited to, religion, family problems, health issues, alternate forms of sexuality, doping, the gaming industry, and death. One should always tread carefully when such subjects arise in conversation, especially during a date, as there is a rather high probability that your lady friend will not feel comfortable with discussing some, or any, of them with you. Forcing them upon her regardless can never result in anything positive, neither for the lady nor for you, as it would likely leave you with the double frustration of a suddenly cheerless companion and a lack of stimulating counterarguments. Instead of these serious and challenging topics, try to talk about lighter matters such as nature, friends, happiness, toys, food, sports, and life.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “You know what’s always fascinated me? Death. Do you have any relatives that have recently died?
Her (slightly uncomfortable): “Actually… yeah, my grandma.”
You: “Really? What did she die of? Were you there when it happened? Did she suffer a lot? What do you think her final thought was? Did you have her cremated? Was she rich? Did she spend her final years a lonely, depressed woman?”
Her (on brink of tears): “…”
You: “Is this a sensitive issue for you? We can talk about something else.”
Her: “Yeah… yeah, that would be good.”
You: “Do you think she is in hell now?”

Good:
You: “You know what’s always fascinated me? Life. Specifically, the lack thereof. Do you have any relatives that have recently stopped living?
Her (slightly uncomfortable): “Actually… yeah, my grandma.”
You: “Really? What did she die of? Were you there when it happened? Did she suffer a lot? What do you think her final thought was? Did you have her cremated? Was she rich? Did she spend her final years a lonely, depressed woman?”
Her (on brink of tears): “…”
You: “Is this a sensitive issue for you? We can talk about something else.”
Her: “Yeah… yeah, that would be good.”
You: “Do you think she is in hell now?”

13. Not kissing goodnight

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and your date is no exception. After a long evening of fun (it is to be assumed), it is time to return to your respective domiciles. Remember, a gentleman always ensures the lady he has been temporary guardian of returns to her residence safely. Therefore, it is rightly expected that you escort her there personally. Upon delivering your special friend to her doorstep, it is customary to bestow upon her a goodnight kiss. Failure to do so may mar what had up to that point been a flawless night, not to mention it has a high probability of damaging future prospects you may have for her and you. Make your final moment together that night the highlight of her time with you; one that she will remember and treasure for years, or at least until one of your next dates goes horribly, horribly wrong and she hates you forever.

Scenarios:

Bad:
You: “Well, I must say this has been one of the best first dates I have ever been on in the last week or so. Now all that remains is for us to have a goodnight kiss.”
Her (not present because she silently left a long time ago): “…”

Good:
Her: “Well, I… I really should be going now.”
You: “That’s too bad. Oh well, time for a goodnight kiss. Pucker up!”
Her: “Uh… That’s okay, I…”
You: “You’re not planning on leaving without a goodnight kiss, are you?”
Her (slowly walking backward): “Um… I…”
You (slowly walking forward): “We don’t have to kiss on the mouth, you know. There are several other body parts I am willing to kiss.”
Her (picking up momentum): “… I… I… I really…”
You (adjusting pace accordingly): “Don’t worry, it’s just one little kiss. Mwa. Mwa. Mwa.”
Her (increasing speed to a jog): “…”
You (not losing ground): “Mwa mwa mwa!”
Her (running): “No… please…”
You (same): “MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA!”
Her (sprinting): “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
You (too): “I WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU GET A GOODNIGHT KISS! I AM A GENTLEMAN! YOU OWE ME!”