Collected by AskReddit
1.
I was sat in a coffee shop few years ago drinking a cuppa and eating a sandwich.A little while into drinking I noticed a youngish couple sitting over from us, looking towards me and giggling. This went in for a good 5 minutes. So, to appear polite, and feeling a little paranoid, I thought I’d join in with their laughing session, so I looked towards them and began sniggering and chuckling at them. Some time passed and they left.Their table was taken by an elderly couple out for a spot of lunch. Like a gentleman the old man got up and walked to the drink queue.Within about 30 seconds or so, the old lady stood up, approached me, leaned over and softly spoke the words, "Excuse me, but your testicles are on show".
2.
A couple years back I was departing from DCA (Ronald Reagan Airport). The TSA has a rule that during the ascent, you have to stay seated due to the airport location. If you standup / get up from your seat, they divert the flight and arrest you (or so claimed the pilot via the intercom).What happens?Some 10 year old next to me proceeds to get sick and throw up all over me just as we take off. I had to sit for 15 minutes w/ barf on me before the flight attendants let me get up and go clean off.
3.
Hadn’t left my home state for about 4 years, no vacation, no trips, nothing. On my first family vacation out of state to the mountains, for my step-grandparents anniversary, I fell through the rotted second story railing in their guest house and shattered my spine. Lost 55% of my L1 vertebra and 35% of my T12. A bone graft was taken from my hip and fused the broken vertebra together. It’s over a year out, and I have been battling their insurance company to even get a non-liability medical payment, but so far I have received nothing and my parents have been bleeding money to keep me from getting evicted, pay my medical bills (out of pocket- was uninsured at the time and no company will cover my therapy or ortho visits as a preexisting condition), and pay my child support to keep from getting holds on my income taxes. I had to re-learn to walk. My baby momma used it as an excuse to take me to court, and I lost a lot of custody since my injuries prevented me from even lifting my son and I tried to handle the hearings without a lawyer since we have no money. I’m fighting social security so I can try to get on Medicare, but it is unlikely since I can walk now (just no running, jumping, or lifting over 25 lbs, and I have to lie down every 3-4 hours). I may never run or jump again.
4.
Broke up with my girlfriend in January 2005. Drove to San Francisco from central Long Island, NY and got a job and a room with some friends. My life was going great and I was really enjoying myself. I was writing a book and loving life in San Francisco as a 24 year old. In May 2005, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend: "I’m pregnant." I guess she missed a depo-provera shot or got it late. Rumor has it, she did it on purpose because she didn’t want me to leave.FML!She left four months ago and now I’m raising our daughter myself.FM… actually it’s not so bad. My daughter is my best friend.
5.
My wife of 2 years left me for a man she met on World of Warcraft, leaving me with our 2 boys (then 2 and 4 respectively). I file for divorce. She comes back expecting me to take her back, I don’t. She goes to stay with her mother. At 11am the next morning I get a call from her mother screaming to call the police because my wife had shot herself.That was a FML moment, for sure.EDIT: I guess some people might think I made this shit up, well, this is the photo I took at her funeral.
6.
My car randomly lost reverse on a lunch break one day. A couple days later I got laid off so I wasn’t able to get a new car for 6 months and it wasn’t worth fixing.My mother would watch my daughter while I went to school, and my parents live on a dead end. I would have to drive to the end and pray there was nothing blocking the end so I could pull a sharp turn.One very snowy day I went to pick up my daughter and the plow trucks had pushed the snow into where I turned around. I got part of the way turned and had to get out and push it back a bit so I had more room to turn again.The car took off and started backing right toward a tree. The door was open so I ran around it to stomp on the brake and slipped on the ice and flew under my moving car. I pushed the brake with my hand as hard as I could and stopped it just in time. I just nearly got ran over by my car and the instant realization made me instantly start sobbing at my cartoon life. Bruised up my knees pretty badly.TL;DR: My car didn’t have reverse and nearly ran me over when I went to push it
7.
I had my period at a new friends house when 14, just getting used to the whole process. I disposed of a nasty, bloody pad I was wearing in a trash can, put a tampon in and put my bathing suit on to jump in the pool. The next time I visit, that trash can has the label LAUNDRY on it, and then I noticed the tiny little sanitary napkin trash can hiding behind the toilet. I can only imagine my friend’s mom dumping the laundry out to sort it that evening and finding it… Them realizing they needed to label the trash can accordingly… I was mortified.
8.
"Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle."
9.
Punctured my lung for the second time at the age of 14, while on a bicycle ride 10km from home. When I got to the doctor I was told: "Oh yea, it most definitely is punctured. However, we are fully booked, come back tomorrow, and we will take care of you then."That night, gasping for air whilst in pain, I still managed to masturbate to some very softcore cable tv porn.
10.
Bagged my 1st job, came home to tell my flatmate and assorted friends, got drunk to celebrate, woke up with no eyebrows. FML Basically started the job looking permanently surprised. Almost 6 years later I still have to hide my security pass.
Bonus:Sometimes you need coffee before your morning coffee. This was one of those times.
