Written by schmutzie
Kanye West is a douche for many, many reasons, but it is easy to falter and find yourself thinking “Man, that Kanye’s a pretty wicked dude”. It happens to the best of us, we falter at times, but it shouldn’t have to happen. I have narrowed the proofs of his douchiness down to a ten-point emergency checklist that folds easily into your pocket or wallet for those times when his blinding douchebaggery eludes you.
1. He douched out at the Grammy’s when he took the stage to accept his award, refused to leave the stage when his time was up, and then actually told them to stop playing the get-off-the-stage music so that he could keep talking. Me Kanye. I bes vewy, vewy important.
2. His new album, due out on November 24th, is a departure from his usual style, as he sings more than he raps. That is all good and well, because he is a talented musician, but then he had to go and douche it up by saying that this change in style is an attempt to challenge the likes of Jimi Hendrix and Paul McCartney, who he describes as “those artists in black and white photos”, because taking a crap on music legends serves to make Kanye’s genius obvious to all and sundry.
3. In a recent interview, Kanye said, and I am not kidding: “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice. It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”
4. In that same interview, he showcased his inveterate respect for other performers by slamming Justin Timberlake: “There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums, and it just came out to be that.”
5. Kanye pulled the race card when it was announced that Britney Spears would be hosting the 2007 Video Music Awards. “I can’t believe she would perform. She hasn’t had a hit record in years. Maybe my money’s not right. Maybe my skin’s not right.” Riiiiight, that’s it.
6. In an interview with Tim Westwood, Kanye said “I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. You cannot offend a robot… I’m going down as a legend, whether or not you like me or not. I am the new Jim Morrison. I am the new Kurt Cobain… They feel like, yo, you know ‘he’s got a God complex, because he said if they wrote the Bible again that he would be in it’. Duh, yeah, I would be in it. I feel like I’m one of the more important people in pop culture right now… The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? And people have their own forms of bibles now. It’s a new day and age…”
Somehow, I just don’t think Kanye’s going to be my new personal Jesus.
7. In a display of extremely douchey poor sportsmanship, he now claims that the MTV awards shows are fixed, because how could the “voice of this generation” lose otherwise?
8. There are ten Facebook groups that come up when you use the search terms “Kanye West douche”.
9. Kanye West blogs up a storm. Mostly he’s fairly boring, but he drops these gems once in a while that turn being a douche into a spectator sport.
10. When his video for “Touch the Sky” did not win at the MTV Europe Music Awards, Kanye publicly expressed his incredulity. “It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas. I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award,” he complained. Kanye? Whining about how you are not the most popular will not work to make you more popular, but it will get you a “Top Ten Reasons Why Kanye West Is a Douche” checklist. Congratulations.