10 Things Every Adult Should Know

Written by f*cking c*nts

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a full-length, balls-to-the-wall rant, but a lot of “too long for Twitter, too short for a whole post” ideas float in and out of my head all the time. Here’s 10 things every adult really ought to know, but a lot of people are apparently just too fucking stupid to figure out:

  1. Having sex can cause pregnancy. This one seems too obvious to mention, but judging from the number of accidental children in the world, I thought it bore repeating. Nothing is 100% effective against pregnancy except abstinence, or the removal of your ovaries or testicles. (Incidentally, abortion is still legal in the US and most of Europe, just in case.)
  2. If you cover your face with piercing jewelry, you may not be able to find a job. This also goes for doing weird things to your hair, and getting tattoos in conspicuous places. And for fuck’s sake, don’t give me any bullshit about “freedom of expression”, you little dumbass. You go right ahead and express yourself all you want, but body modification is not a constitutionally protected belief system. They can’t not hire you for being a Jew, but they certainly can not hire you for looking like a fucking freak. (caveat: I have both piercings and tattoos … nothing against tattoos, piercings or fucking freaks. Just don’t whine about it when you’re treated like one.)
  3. It’s 2008. Racism is seriously outdated. That means, yes Virginia, it is TOTALLY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE to refer to that black guy on TV as a “junglebunny.” Also, don’t use the word “they” as though black folks are some separate species who all think and act the same way. They’re “They” are humans, not dogs. And do I really need to remind you that “nigger” is a bad word?! Here’s a nice rule of thumb for you, dearie: If you wouldn’t say it to a black person’s face, you probably shouldn’t be saying it at all. (For those of you who really don’t get it, this also applies to spics, pakis, chinks, gooks, jews kikes, towelheads, and anyone else you care to slander.)
  4. Spontaneous anal sex often involves small amounts of feces. Yes, yes it does. This point is mainly aimed at straight guys, who seem to have a frighteningly widespread lack of understanding on this issue. If you want your backdoor action all nice and sanitary, you need to plan ahead. Buy a little something called an anal douche, and find a way to gracefully suggest she use it before bed if you want a little booty nookie. If you just swap holes in the middle of the action, without such careful forethought, things often get messy … because guys, it’s a butt, and [big secret]there’s poop in there[/big secret]. And as long as we’re on the subject of anal …
  5. Anal sex does not make you gay. Again, for the benefit of you straight boys. Even if you secretly want your girlfriend to bend you over with a strap on, it’s OK. You’re not gay. You know why? Because you want to be assfucked by a girl, not a boy. That’s what the whole “gay” thing is about: Liking boys instead of girls. Anal sex is irrelevant.
  6. Marijuana is not a “gateway drug”. Oh sure, maybe 99% of “hard” drug users also smoke pot. And maybe a lot of them smoked pot before they got into crack or heroin or whatever. But that’s not because the pot made them do it, it’s because damn near fucking everyone has smoked pot at some point.
  7. Creationism is bullshit. Seriously. A big magic guy in the clouds did not wiggle his fingers and create the earth in 6 days. Didn’t fucking happen. And I think anyone who professes to believe such a thing ought to be barred from political office. What if there was a religion claiming the world was flat, and the whole “round” thing was just an optical illusion created by God to test our faith? Would ANYONE be suggesting we teach it in schools? Would anyone vote for a politician who claimed to believe it? For fuck’s sake, people. It’s 2008. We have fossils. We have carbon dating. Get a clue!
  8. You have no right to be proud, unless you did it yourself. That goes for anything from racial pride to patriotism. Your race, gender and nationality are fucking accidents of birth. Being proud of something you got stuck with when mamma squeezed you out is stupid. You have a right to be proud of your own personal accomplishments, and perhaps those of your children (if you were actually a good parent, and your kids didn’t succeed by sheer bloody-mindedness alone). That’s it. Your parents fucked, Mom got knocked up, and ~9 months later, there you were. Race, gender and nationality handed to you out of some cosmic lottery machine. Fuck your white pride, black pride, national pride, and all the horseshit that goes along with it.
  9. Police and Politicians have a lot in common. Maybe half of them go into their chosen careers wanting to genuinely do good. Save people, and make the world a better place and all that. The other half are greedy, power-hungry fucks. And the good half? After a few years on the job, most of them have become so corrupted and/or insulated from the real world, they become vicious, rotten twats too. You can’t trust 90% of either of ‘em.
  10. America is not #1. Well, not unless you count military spending and handgun related deaths. We’re shit at public education. Our health care system is both the most expensive and the least effective in the developed world. Literacy, infant mortality, per capita living below the poverty line and/or without any health insurance … etc., etc. We’re kind of horrible at a whole lot of things, if you want to be honest about it. We’re also, on average, fat as fuck.

40 thoughts on “10 Things Every Adult Should Know

  1. Richard

    You missed number 11. AMERICA is not a country, its name is United States OFFFFFFFFFFFF America. America is a continent were “fortunatelly” many countries exits, as Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Belize, Panama, Do you want geo lessons? ok, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Colombia, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Peru, Paraguay, Uruguay, French Guinea, Guyana, Surinam, Venezuela, Bahamas, Barbados, Cuba, Republica Dominicana, Granada, Haiti, Jamaica, Trinidad Tobago, as US. Don’t you think these are enough people to think about it? So next time you call your self American, remember you are ignoring people (if you’re talking about racism in #3).
    Or they taught at school that the USA has another state called South America? There you’ve got your eleventh. Fucking ignorant.

  2. Chandler

    Why do people just love to bash America? If you are gonna talk it down at least provide some facts to back up your statements. If you think it is getting that terrible, no one is keeping you here.

  3. antoinette

    Hey Ash, learn to read. The remark was targeted at creationism, not “religion”. Not all religions embrace the corporate christianist creationism that has caught on like th plague over the past 7 years. The creationism is directly the product of a concerted effort by christianist leaders to rollback progressive politics and secular humanism. At its core is the undermining and marginalization of reason. Challenging creationism is not pathetic; it is responsible. And besides, you really have to be a real moron to actually believe as immutable and demonstrably proven truth that a super being created the earth and its creatures in 6 days and did so roughly 6,000 years ago. For centuries, not even the most devote Christian theologians literally believed this story. It is a metaphor, written in a book, penned by humans, developed over centuries. Got it.

  4. antoinette

    And bee, the website you refer us to is a real schoolboy howler. One need proceed any further than the homepage, which purports to shake doubters to their core by opining some defect in the anti-creationist creed insofar as darwinists fail to account for “the soul”. Of course, “the soul” is not defined. Rather, it simply stands in as an empty signifier for something that goes unexplained and unproven. In other words, the rhetorical challenge to darwinism begins by presupposing as proven the very thing that darwinism purportedly does not and cannot account for. Even a 6 year-old could see the logical fallacy in that kind of argument. The fact that someone would advertise should laughable stupidity on the home page of a website is substantial achievement and quite a tribute to just how incapable some people are of exercising even the most basic principles of logic.

  5. antoinette

    Chandler, if this is your impersonation of Archie Bunker, you are doing a piss-poor job. I suppose you’d suggest that those Americans who opposed slavery in the 19th century and who criticized American culture for practicing this institution “love it or leave it”? What grade are you in?

  6. antoinette

    Hey Brian Yamabe, Nice try, but criticism of creationism is widely embraced by those all across the political spectrum. Did you ever actually read (of course not) the 139-page published decision of Judge John E. Jones, III in the creationism lawsuit, Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District? Judge Jones was appointed as federal court judge by George W. Bush, was unanimously confirmed by the U.S. Senate, is a practicing Lutheran and a conservative republican. Judge Jones’ decision tears to shreds the intelligent design/creationist project, the deliberate disregard by its school-board advocates of even attempting to understand, much less read, the very material they were advocating. The decision stands as a hallmark of measured judgment and reason. Read it.

    Oh yeah; naturally, freethinkers like Bill O’Reilly immediately condemnded Judge Jones as being a “fascist” — without actually addressing the reasoned basis for the decision.

  7. antoinette

    Jango,

    Tell me, why is it that just about every minister and congressman indicted in a sex-scandal or payola scandal seems to be a conservative republican? Oh yeah, that’s right; do what feels good.

  8. Frank

    Right on, A-girl. One of the biggest lies over the past 30 years is the contention that liberal=hedonist while conservative=moral. In fact, liberals are more inclined to engage in sacrifice and charitable donations. right -wingers, by comparison, embrace the “everyman-for-himself, and devil-take-the-hindmost” attitude. That’s why conservatives actually have to resort to Madison Avenue propoganda like “compassionate conservative”. The reason is everyone knows that conservatives are not compassionate and therefore have to takc on that ending. Jango lives in the make believe world of television, which attempts to collapse over 300 years of liberal thought and practice into some tired cliche about dancing flower children from 1967. Anyone who has even pretended to try to confront the history of liberal thought and practice — from the English Revolution, through the reformist church movements, through the French Revolution, the American Revolution, anti-slavery struggles, women’s suffragist movements, worker’s rights movements, third-world solidarity movements, liberation theology, environmentalism, food and health safety, and so on — would know that liberalism is anything but “do what feels good” and is, in fact and at its core “do what’s right.” The fact that someone like jango could presume the opposite is a very impressive index of just how effective is the propoganda of the political right.

  9. mr. right

    I liked the first two, and liked where I thought the article was headed. Seemingly obvious statements that we could all stand to revisit and mull over. But, after #2, it quickly went downhill into an immature, poorly-written rant. Several points are completely subjective opinions, not facts, like nos. 6,7,8, and 9. #3 implies that the readers are white, and #4 and #5 are admittedly aimed at straight men. #10 is aimed specifically at Americans. So, instead of a list of things every adult should know, we have a very biased list of “things” every straight white American male “should” know. That would be fine if the post wasn’t labeled otherwise, and fine if nobody claimed it was the “best article” in any contest.

  10. Hermione

    Bee,

    I watched the video all the way through. Pretty pictures. But it does not provide any reasoned explanation. Instead, it simply announces some very basic facts then continually launches into conclusory assumptions about “god” and so on. This sort of thing does not really educate. It merely reconfirms unquestioned belief. In the end, your challenge — “try to explain how in hell it is logical not to have a creator” — is a bogus question. It assumes that because human knowledge is not infinite, it must follow that there must be some unknowable explanation that is embodied in this ultimate abstraction you (and the video) call “God”. I think this is what antoinette (or whatever her name is) called an empty signifier. Just a word that stands in place of ignorance.

    See you back in the 1st grade.

  11. Sarah

    I agree with some of the points here. Any adult who wishes to engage in sexual acts should be aware of the possible consequences of said actions. So I do find parts of this article to correct.

    BUT…I do agree with some of the posters before me. Racism is obviously wrong in this day and age, and yet you knocked those who believe in creationism. I’m not saying that everything in every religion is right, but if we are supposed to “know” that racism is wrong, shouldn’t we also “know” that discriminating a group of people due to their religious preference is also wrong?

    And another thing that adults should know: their opinion is NOT the only one. You act like these are the end all, be all of top things we need to know. But adults should realize that they have an opinion, as well as the other some-billion people in the world.

  12. Marta

    Sarah, I agree. For example, even though it is only one person’s opinion that blood-letting is not medically sound, I still think it should be taught at Johns Hopkins Medical School. Otherwise, we are discriminating against people who believe in blood-letting due to their beliefs. And that is wrong.

  13. Mandy

    I’m ignoring the ignorant replies here and just saying, I agree on every single point. :D I’m an American (sorry, Richard, what else should we call ourselves? And you might want to check your spelling before calling an entire nation of people ignorant), by the way.

    And I’m not going to get into how racism is considered wrong because people cannot control the color of their skin, the location of their birth and rearing, etc. Yet people think that being frustrated that some people believe some very illogical things and are indoctrinated from birth — that’s not wrong. It’s counterproductive to call them names and poke fun, yes, but it’s not wrong to believe that THEY are wrong purely from a logical standpoint. :)

  14. Martin

    Bee,

    1. Someone DID answer the challenge by pointing out how the challenge itself is predicated on unquestioned assumptions that beg the answer.

    2. Even if, as you assume, it is “logical” to “have a creator”, the assumption that “a creator” exists or existed is far, FAR removed from the rather child-like story peddled by Christianists that “God” created the heavens and the earth 6,000 years ago, that humans and T-Rex roamed the earth as contemporaries, that the earth was “created” in 6 days, and other such propositions that lie at the heart of creationism. Let’s not recall that it is the myth of “creationism” that is the subject of the original item on the list of what every adult should know.

    3. Even if, as you assume, it is “logical” to “have a creator”, that does not explain where the “creator” came from. Your answer to this rather ages-old question (“where did we come from?”) precipitates another version of the question, getting us nowhere.

    4. Even if, as you assume, it is “logical” to “have a creator”, it does not follow that “the creator” is not infallible and, let’s be honest, rather poor at his job. (Why, for example, would “the creator” include birth defects in “his” grand scheme? What did millions of newborns ever do to deserve horrible defects, diseases and the like?)

    5. Even if, as you assume, it is “logical” to “have a creator”, why must it follow that human beings “worship”, “pray to”, “give thanks to” and constantly pay homage to the creator? I mean, fine. Okay. Thanks for the creation, God. But can I please just get on with my life? After all, if I plant a bed of flowers, I don’t expect my perennials to come back each spring and eternally praise my benevolence and greatness.

  15. bee

    are you really convinced with what you are saying?

    i am sure that if you reach a point were you have a disease that for example doesn’t allow you to eat, you will be praying day and night for a saver, and am sure you will be ready to commit slavery for anything that can save you.

    there is a creator, who made this life a test, you either fail and go to hell, or success and go to heaven, it is really your decision.

    this creator, orders you to be good to people, in order to make your life better, EVEN if there are birth defects, God orders you to treat them well, as humans. since you didn’t create yourself at the beginning, so it is not you who created yourself perfect.

    a real truth seeker will keep searching, but my opinion is that weak people stops looking, and even the most obvious guides, are assigned to unanswered questions that can or cannot lead to a creator.

    some of the videos provided, gives evidences that cannot have any other answer but that there is a creator, like the one that talks about man creation.

    did you see it?

  16. maria

    bee,

    tell this to a 6 month old dying in agony due to being born with congenital heart failure.

    tell it to a 6 year-old dying of leukemia.

    tell it to the the new-borne screaming in agony from a nerve defect that causes constant pain. (“It’s just a test. shhhh. . . it’s just a test. shh . . . better not fail or you’ll got to hell! did you hear me? oh, the baby is deaf, too!? goodness; how inconvenient for her. Oh, well; I guess she’ll just have to keep screaming until she passes out or dies. Poor thing.”)

    Why does “God” do this to millions of babies? What did those babies ever do to “God” or anyone or anything? Why does “God” create beings who are made to suffer from the moment they are born into the world, many of whom die before they are even aware of their surroundings?

    The reason is simple: he-she-it does nothing of the sort, because he-she-it does not and never did exist (that is, except as a cartoonish abstraction in your walnut-sized Disneyesque imagination).

    That said, if he-she-it does or ever did exist, then on behalf of the entire human race and all creatures great and small, he-she-it is FIRED for doing such a piss-poor job at creation. Maybe next time, he-she-it won’t take the seventh day off for rest, but instead will try to figure out how to create a world without oh, say, cleft palate, rectal bleeding, shingles, and scrotum cancer. Shhheeeshh! If “God” exists, then all I have to say is, “what a screw up!”

    F. Maria

    p.s. It may be your opinion that “weak people stops looking,” but in my opinion ignorant people start looking to get smarter by learning to master subject-verb agreement. Come back after you repeat the seventh grade, and then maybe we can have a reasonable discussion.

    p.p.s. I must have failed the “creator test” and wound up in hell to suffer the likes of dim-bulbs like you.

  17. bee

    you crazy freak, can you even create a fly to reject god creations?

    you will not be fairer than god you idiot!!

    i hope that you will see the truth someday, that’s all i am hoping.

  18. guardian page

    `amused… ‘even the elect, if it were possible’
    have you noticed the 333’s (www… 3 in d 3’s… etc.. everywhere? triquerta is just another way of sayn ‘666’ – a black tie affair)
    there are an amazing number of satanists out there – lookup ‘ordo sinistra vivendi’ (order of the left handed path); it’s a deception group. you’ll note ‘vivendi’ seems familiar for some reason.
    o.. and ‘ash’ is another name for dick – because in old english they called things by what they where made of; spears were made from ash wood.
    ‘AE’ is another way of saying ash (there’s more when you get into it ;P)
    should be an interesting couple of years – have you prayed & repented? do you know WHY, or do you rely on others to figure things out for you? how many lies have you uncovered? what is your purpose?

  19. Moon

    “straight” guys+anal sex does=gay. And it’s totally OKAY to be gay, you just need to stop being latent about it and come out already. Homophobia is so UNCOOL. A poop shoot vs. vagina = no contest, vagina wins. If you disagree maybe you should stop sexing it up with those “hot dog down a hallway” girls.

  20. Lonegoddess

    The problem with defining “god” and attempting to discern the motives of such a being is that as humans we are woefully inadequate at comprehending the nature of such a being. That being said, we use what we know to create HIM (some all-knowing, omnipotent God) and assign guidelines (or commandments) that HE “inspired” based on how we can successfully interact with other human beings. Can an ant conceive the notion of a human being from its perspective on the ground? Does it deduce that we are malevolent if we step on them? (Does it generate rules of behavior to avoid being stepped on?) No, probably not. The “truth” is we don’t know, we can’t know and everything we think we know is really just crap we BELIEVE. Stop trying to convince other people of what the TRUTH is. I believe strongly that there is no god at all. I am happy with that and even though there is no giant sadist in the sky condemning me to hell if I misbehave, I follow the rules as best I can of the community I live in. I acting nicely towards other people and really do try to respect them if they believe some invisible hermaphrodite created us out of clay.

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