If College-Themed Porn Were Real

Written by jake christie

Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.

Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)

Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.


Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.

Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)

Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)


Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.

Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let’s have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)

Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.


Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.

Porn:
Brett: Let’s try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.

Reality:
Brett: Let’s try anal sex.
Candi: No.


Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.

Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)

Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.

10 thoughts on “If College-Themed Porn Were Real

  1. makj

    even i thought like Grendel (you’ve ruined porn for me!!), i must admit this is the real world, and all of these situations appearing in porn movies doesn’t happen… sadly!!

    but you missed a lot of them!!
    what about the girl in the shower that catches a boy looking at her and masturbating… in porn she fellates the guy, but in real probably she screams and screams until somebody arrives…

  2. Domeo

    Or what about the pizza boy that delivers pizza only to find they can’t pay for it, and he sleeps with them, then he doesn’t get fired for skipping out on all the rest of the now cold pizza.

  3. arici

    haha :))
    funny, but so true. there is no porn in the normal world.
    i just typed in something like “real situation porn” to see if anyone wrote a normal or satyrical article about this, and i found it :)
    ps: if you don’t understand what i wrote in my blog, you should know i’m romanian.
    have a nice day

  4. john dough

    as a fullerbrush.com salesman for fifty years i have never once
    had an affair with a customer. but i’ve been suspected of having one,
    which has caused ‘transfer’. many women do answer the door in
    negligees. this is true. it does always get a rise out of me.
    but i give them the brush, the handy brush, and a flyer and take
    the order if they need some cleaning products. i have other
    houses to go to.

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