Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? One pound of bacon, diced. Or, whatever, just in smaller pieces.
Cook that Shit
Toss the bacon into a pan and start cooking it. You don’t even need to separate it because you can smoosh it up while you cook it.
Boil Some Freakin’ Water
Butter that Shit
Time to butter a 2-quart baking dish. Don’t cheap out here, use some real damn butter. It doesn’t have to be expensive butter, but it better be actual damn butter and not margarine or some shit.
Nice and Buttery
Oh yeah, get that thing completely buttered like you’re prepping yourself for a night with Paula Deen. Set the dish aside for later.
I prefer the large elbows, but I’m running a little low so I’ll supplement with some pansy ass little elbows. Dump these in your boiling water.
Ding, Bacon’s Done!
I like my bacon a nice mix of crispy and chewy. Not burnt, not ever burnt. This shit right here? This shit’s perfect.
Drain that Shit
What do you do with your bacon drippings? I save that shit for later. You ever cook scrambled eggs in bacon grease? Best shit ever, I swear. One day, Jamie Oliver’s going to come to my house and slap me. Until then, greasy fucking eggs.
Oh, That’s Nice
Stir That Shit
Don’t forget to stir your noodles. Worst thing ever is when a shitload of them stick to the bottom of the pot and fuck things up for everyone.
Preheat That Damn Oven
Prep for Saucy Time
The cheese sauce is a time critical portion of this recipe. I like to make sure I’ve got everything I need right on hand because I’m easily distract–oh look, something shiny!
Drain Dem Noodles
Dump the noodles into a strainer in your (hopefully clean, but no one’s judging you if you put the colander on top of dirty dishes) and let them sit. You’ll be back to those bitches in no time.
Stop! Don’t Forget the Pot!
You thought we were done with Ol’ Boily, didn’t you? ACTING, BITCHES. Rinse, wipe out and put back on the burner at medium heat.
Melt that Shit
Flour that Shit
Time to make your basic roux – remember, equal parts flour and fat. In this case, the fat is the butter.
This is the point in the recipe where you should not leave the kitchen for whatever reason. One second too long and shit’s going to burn.
Whisky Whisk Whisk
Time for the Liquid!
Whisky Whisky Whisk Pt. 2
See that? It’s going to happen where you get flour and butter and milk gunk in the corners of your pot. This is usually when I break out the angled wooden spoon to scrape that shit back into the rest of the liquid. If this shit burns, you’re gonna have a bad time.
A cup of heavy cream. Seriously. Do not get all low-fat on this part here. HEAVY CREAM OR TAKE IT HOME, SON.
Whisky Whisky Whisk Pt. 3
Ew Pt. 2
Again, make sure you keep scraping the sides and corners. You really don’t want this shit to burn. Check the sides every minute or so. I use this time to channel my former McDonald’s crewmember acronyms – CAYG, BITCHES.
The best part’s next, everyone! One cup mild cheddar. The recipe calls for “good cheese”, so I just usually try to avoid store brand. But storebrand is okay, too. This is Kraft, because it was on BOGO at Safeway before Christmas.
One cup of sharp cheese. I suppose it would’ve been better if I’d shredded my own cheese, but this is such a process anyway that holy shit, no way. I want to point out that I used the measuring cups as they were intended – liquid in the glass, dry in the metal. My 7th grade home ec teacher, Mrs. Krog, would’ve been so proud. BOBCATS REPRESENTIN.
A handful. Seriously. Stick your hand in the bag and grab it like it’s not hot. Then drop it into the pan like it is hot. Add some more if you want, I don’t care. I’m not your cheese boss.
Stir that Shit
Season that Shit
This is about the time that I remember that I should’ve mixed salt and pepper into the flour before I made the roux. What the hell ever. I’m adding it now, no one’s going to know.
Remember our delicious pork tidbits from earlier? Turn off the heat on the cheese sauce and dump that shit in. Stir, stir, stir. I hope you don’t have tendinitis like I do, because all this stirring hurts after awhile.
Add noodles to the cheese and bacon goo until you’ve achieved an appropriate goo to noodle ratio. I like to call this The Goodle Ratio. I don’t, really, I just made that up, but it sounds pretty bitchin’.
OH GOD MY WRISTS
This is sometimes where I call my husband in and make him stir. Stir that shit until every noodle is covered. Every noodle is equal, people.
Baking Dish that Shit
Dump all that good shit into your buttered baking dish. At this point, the actual recipe calls for topping this shit with some buttered bread crumbs. I always skip that because buttered bread crumbs hate me and always burn and fuck shit up.
Aww, Yiss Pt. 2
After 20 minutes, pull that shit out of the oven and stir it up a bit to make it pretty for the pictures.
Serve as a main or side. We’re having it as our main dish with biscuits leftover from Christmas morning breakfast.