1.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
2.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
3.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
4.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool.5
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
6.
Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says to the other, “WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The second whale says, “Shut up Steve, you’re drunk.”
7.
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.
8.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
9.
Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything.”
10.
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
11.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
12.
Why does a chicken coop always have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!
wan wan waaaaaaaahnnn
13.
A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”
14.
What is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So, you’re the one.
15.
I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.
I don’t make jokes. I heard Stephen Colbert tell this joke on tv.
16.
How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don’t worry they’ll tell you.
17.
who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumfrence
18.
All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
19.
What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
20.
Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?
Because his mother was in the pen and they didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Bonus: How Men Feel Post-Orgasm (SFW)
