From AskReddit
1.
A gorilla walks into a bar and order a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.
2.
A man walks in to a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
Edit: Jesus Christ, people. This is awesome.
3.
Guy walks into a bar and half his head is an orange.
Barman: What can i get.. holy shit half your head is an orange!! How did that happen??
Guy: Magic Lamp, rubbed it, three wishes etc etc.
Barman: What in the bejesus were your three wishes, half your head is an orange.
Guy: First Wish – I wished for every woman in the world to love me.
Barman: Right, that iss ok. What was your second wish?
Guy: Second Wish – I wished that I was a billionaire.
Barman: What in the hell was your third wish half your head is a frickin orange?
Guy: It was a silly wish. I dont wanna say:
Barman: Go on tell me, I’ll give you a drink.
Guy: Ok well for my third wish I wished that half my head was an orange.
4.
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?
He uses the finest ingredients.
5.
A: Knock knock
B: Who’s there?
A: The police
B: The police who?
A: Ma’am, your son is dead.
6.
I don’t know if this is an anti-joke, but it’s a true story. I was asked, "what do you call a black pirate?" Me, being the clever racist I am, thought for a second, and then burst out: "NIGG-ARRRRRRR" …turns out the punch-line was supposed to be "A pirate, you racist" Boy was I wrong
7.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.
8.
As told by my roommate’s 5 year old nephew, the entirety of the joke: "A train pooped its pants"
9.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
10.
Ask me if I am an orange.
"Are you an orange?"
Nope, I’m a person
I know a five year old that thinks this joke is the funniest thing ever. I hope she’s not retarded.
11.
I like my coffee like my women.
Without a penis.
12.
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut.
13.
How many members of an ethnicity does it take to perform a specified task?
A finite number! One member to perform the task, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical to the ethnicity in question.
14.
Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn’t have any arms.
15.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
16.
An irishman, a chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
17.
What’s funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
18.
A midget goes up to a prostitute and asks "what’s the worst joke you ever heard?"
She replies "probably this one."
19.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Actually, numbers are abstract concepts, and therefore incapable of feeling fear.
20.
"Knock knock"
"Come in"
Bonus:I miss the age when…
