Collected by nerve

Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber, animals that don’t have asses, and 18 others. In convenient list form!

1) The 15 Douchiest John Mayer Quotes

Nerve readers love talking about how douchey John Mayer is almost as much as they like arguing about pubic-hair styling. In other words, a lot.

2) 109 Cats in Sweaters

Ten cats in sweaters isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? One hundred cats in sweaters.

3) 25 Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

A recent list celebrating 2010 as “The Year of the Lesbian” started with Jane Lynch’s wedding — followed by “lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.” The rise to super-stardom of a sixteen-year-old boy with lesbianic bangs seems like a weak victory for gay women. But it’s a huge coup for the list community.

4) 23 Cheerful Ditties About Murder, Death, and the Apocalypse

We’re all going to die. But as these musicians show, that’s no reason to be gloomy.

5) 6 Animals That Just Don’t Give a Fuck

This list teaches us about the honey badger — probably the cutest li’l furball you’ve ever seen. Until it rips out your fucking throat.

6) The 90 Types of Bitches

This list may not be verisimilitudinous (look it up), but it’s very thorough. It takes a true mind to recognize the distinction between Buck-toothed Bitches and Cheesy-Teeth Bitches.

7) The 50 Worst States in America

Every state has its problems. But Arizona really blows. Not even its iced tea tastes good.

8) 7 Terrifying Celebrity Face Swaps

A “celebrity face swap” is when you take the face of one celebrity and Photoshop it onto another, creating a humorous effect. It’s not generally considered a productive way to spend an afternoon.

9) 14 Pre-Gaga Meat Outfits

Historians take note: Lady Gaga is not the true originator of raw-meat clothing, merely its popularizer. The true honor belongs to the bacon-bra people.

10) The 11 Best Nude Moments in Old-School Nintendo Games

If you squint, she looks like a very pixelated version of the girl from Total Recall. And you can totally see her butt.

11) The 10 Greatest Four Loko Tributes

Last Friday, Four Loko as we knew it disappeared forever. American college students will now be forced to obtain their alcohol and caffeine fixes from separate beverages.

12) 11 Mugshots of Actual Hoes from Ludacris’ Area Codes

This might be the heaviest list on the list. But, someone listened to all of Ludacris’s songs, picked out every reference to a prostitute, and dug through crime records to find a mugshot in a corresponding area. That sort of pointless diligence must be rewarded.

13) 17 Best Invisible Cat Pictures

You might be thinking, “What? Another cat-picture list?” If you are, you need to click this. And shut up.

14) The 10 Most Iconic Crotches in Rock History

If your average crotch is a sensible grey sedan, David Lee Roth’s is a tricked out yellow Ferrari.

15) Top 10 Hungover Owls

These owls woke up in their clothes fifteen minutes late.

16) The Top 10 Boob Trick Videos

This list is a very good way to make your breasts feel inadequate. Much like Cosmo and Dolly Parton.

17) 13 Comedies with Cinematic Bad-asses Playing Second Fiddle to Kids, Dogs, and Adorable Old Ladies

One minute you’re starring in a gun-shooting, explosion-blossoming action flick. The next, you’re reading a script where you get humiliated by a gang of plucky primary-school kids, thinking, “Yeah, I’m totally going to do this.”

18) 11 Trees That Look Like Genitals

Truth: All trees look a little bit like genitals. These trees, however, look a lot like genitals.

19) 9 Ridiculous Things That Most Americans Believe

Which is more embarrassing? That eighteen percent of Americans believe the sun revolves around the earth, or that three percent of Americans have no opinion on the matter at all?

20) Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses

You too are a member of the animal kingdom, friend. Don’t take your ass for granted.

Bonus:”Booboo kills Yogi” alternate ending.

Written by rtcrooks

There are certain rites of passage that boys face along the righteous path to becoming a man. A trip to the strip club is one of them, and found in the category marked; mandatory. It signals the turning point in life where a young boy graduates from glossy magazines, to the real thing–well silicone mostly these days. Young men today learn strip club etiquette from auto-tuned vocals, and rap videos. To really fully understand strip club etiquette, one must grasp that strippers are people too. These ladies are under constant scrutiny every time they lace up their bustiers, hike up their g-strings, and double check their extensions. Their bodies, faces, and personalities are up for review. So set yourself apart from the pack of ravenous perverts, and show the girls you have some class. Whether you are a seasoned veteran of the strip club scene or a newbie, here are some guidelines you should abide by to make your next trip to the strip a success.

Dress Code: Avoid Sweatpants

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It is fairly logical to assume that sweatpants, athletic shorts, or thin pants are on the list of dress code “Dont’s” at any strip club. You won’t be the first douche bag to try and pull that trick (or the first guy the dancer has laughed at for being a complete tool). Are you so helplessly lonely that a centimeter less of fabric will make that much of a difference? The problem with this move is that you’re treading in murky waters. Either it’s not that kind of place, and your dancer will stay far, far away from your sweatpants boner. Or it is that kind of place, and you will contract something very unpleasant. Try wearing khakis or Dockers – something “a cut above.” Jeans might chafe when she’s giving you a lap dance.

Remember They Are Dancers, Not Hookers

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There are an abundance of popular reasons why men love to frequent strip clubs. Celebrations: you and the boys have some serious partying to do for a birthday or bachelor party. Bonding: you and your buddy haven’t seen each other in a while, and need to blow off some steam to the tune of 30 naked females. Just remember one important thing; PROSTITUTION in most places is 100 percent illegal. Don’t solicit, suggest dinner or ask for a date; these women are working, and by that we mean dancing not hooking.

Ask Permission Before You Touch

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In fields such as engineering, architecture, and computer sciences; rules are meant to be broken. Pushing the envelope is how the human species makes progress; how do you think we put a man on the moon? With that said, not all rules are meant to be broken. Especially rules that are strictly enforced by huge, intimidating bouncers. Remember that even during a private lap dance, your hands shouldn’t be anywhere near the dancer; keep them at your side. The girl is already grinding all over you, so you’ve gotten what you paid for. No extra touching is needed – or allowed.

Tip! Tip!! Tip!!!

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One of the most important things you need to learn about a strip club is this: you are going to spend some cash. If you’re going to be sitting at one of the seats around the main stage, tip. When dancers are on stage, setting down a couple dollar bills per song is an acknowledgment of a job well done. So show your appreciation for the dancer’s hard work. Try giving her one dollar at a time, she’ll spend more time with you that way. If you give away all your money prematurely, she’ll move on to the next guy. Then you’ll be spending the rest of the night nursing your $8 Coors Light. So remember: Tip! Tip!! Tip!!!

Remember Why You’re There

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We have got some wisdom nuggets for you here: remember why you’re there – it’s all about the lap dance. According to Kerr Fuffle, author of Paying for Sex: The Gentlemen’s Guide to Web Porn, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes & Escorts without Humiliation, Job Loss, Bankruptcy, Infection, Bloodshed or Incarceration, “You can go to hang out, but the girls will get you to buy them outrageously priced drinks, so either way you’re going to pay,” says Fuffle, who advises that, even if you don’t buy a lap dance, you should . . . .”

Don’t Buy Her A Drink

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If you thought you could hit the strip club and not give any tips, then you weren’t thinking intelligibly. Our favorite strip club guru Kerr Fuffle has more wisdom for us. Buying a drink for a dancer is just giving money to the house. Instead, say, “I appreciate your spending time with me. Can I give you a little money instead of buying you a drink?” “She’ll tell the other dancers,” says Fuffle, “and more will come by.” Soon dancers will be flocking around you like the salmon of Capistrano.

Learn To Say No

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Saying no in a strip club is a major contradiction. Girls are sauntering between patrons, topless, dancing onstage in g-stings, stockings, and garter belts. That “Yes” attitude is what powers the fantasy for you, and buys new school clothes for her 7 year old. If you’re sitting with a dancer whose company you enjoy and she has to go reapply body glitter, don’t let another dancer swoop in with the full court press. This other dancer saw you spending cash and wants a piece. Some of the girls are vultures, waiting to pounce on you after you’ve been mesmerized by a mind blowing lap dance. Learn to say no to this intruder, your dancer will love you for it.

Don’t Apologize For Getting “Excited”

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If there was ever a better system for which to assess a dancer’s worth, we would like to hear it. You can never go wrong by judging from that fuzzy feeling you get below the waist. She’s trying to get you “excited,” so don’t apologize if she succeeds. For a lot of dancers it’s a point of pride, and the way their bosses assess job performance. Unless it’s the girl’s first night, they know what to expect. They know being a hot girl in lingerie is going to give you an erection. Just try to not cream your jeans.

According To Gucci Mane

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Gucci Mane is an Atlanta-based rapper who is known as much for his ridiculous chains as he is for rapping. “So much ice make ya eye sight blurry,” he raps on his 2008 mix-tape Mr. Perfect. Back in May of 2005, Gucci was attacked by a group of men. Gucci and his boys shot back at the group in self defense, killing one of the attackers. He turned himself into Police a week later, and charges were dropped for insufficient evidence. Afterward he went straight to the strip club to celebrate. Here is some lap dance etiquette from Atlanta’s strip club connoisseur. He only has a few but they are gems: “Don’t watch your friend’s dances” and “Don’t take $50 out, and give her a $10.” We concur.

Don’t Act Like “Frank The Tank”

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Alcohol is the culprit when it comes to turning a mellow outdoor BBQ into a slip-and-sliding, beer-soaked, hot dog eating contest of a party. Alcohol also has the ability of turning mild-mannered accountants into drooling, wiggling, pants-dropping idiots (who wants to wear bras on their heads and pay a stripper’s cell phone bill for a year?). This bit of advice is pretty obvious. Watch your alcohol intake. If it was any other bar, drink yourself into oblivion. But going to a strip club is a night you want to remember. Going to sleep counting boobies is better than blacking out. Be careful you don’t drink and drive either, you might spill your drink.

Bonus:  Best apology ever…