50 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch Sex and the City 2

Written by S.T. VanAirsdale

sex and the city camel.jpgWho’s ready for the new Sex and the City 2 trailer, which plunks Carrie Bradshaw and company right where you knew their destinies would always take them: Abu… Dhabi? What? Forget it. Sometimes you just know when something stinks, and I would sooner tattoo my eyelids than watch this effing thing. In fact, I can think of a million other things I would do before I watched a frame of this garish, overextended, ovary-tickling twaddle. For starters:

1. Babysit Sarah Palin’s children

2. Inherit the killer-whale show at Sea World

3. Suck the hairspray out of Donald Trump’s comb-over

4. Competitively eat, like, anything

5. Lose my mobile phone

6. Vacation at Abu Ghraib

7. Live on the Staten Island Ferry for 30 days

8. Have my own humiliating Family Feud category

9. Sit on my glasses — naked

10. Spend an hour in a sleeping bag with Glenn Beck

11. Dispose of the biohazard waste in Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon’s office

12. Gulp every last pill in Liza Minnelli’s medicine cabinet

13. Marry Dennis Hopper’s ex-wife

14. Lose my Social Security card

15. Pogo-stick across the 405

16. Move to Kyrgyzstan

17. Wingwalk

18. Eat a 48-oz. breast-milk cheeseburger

19. Re-watch this year’s Oscars

20. Listen to the entirety of Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music — on headphones

21. Sleep on a bed of used NFL jock straps

22. Convert The Godfather to 3D

23. Lick George Lucas’s wattle

24. Lose my wallet

25. Change the oil in each of Jay Leno’s cars

26. Direct Breaking Dawn

27. Chew the head off Iron Man 2’s evil cockatoo

28. Handwrite all of the dialogue to every Police Academy movie, up to and including Michael Winslow’s voice-sound effects

29. Adopt a Gosselin

30. Own MGM

31. Smoke a menthol cigarette through an asbestos filter

32. Clean up after all of Sharon Osbourne’s dogs

33. Clean up after Ozzy Osbourne

34. Lose my iPod

35. Be stranded in outer space

36. Tumble down a flight of stairs

37. Cancel baseball season

38. Yodel the Bible

39. Appear in drag on Chatroulette

40. Dethorn the entire White House rose garden with my teeth

41. Raise pigeons

42. Stare into an atomic explosion

43. Convert to Scientology

44. Lose my house keys

45. Perform a bris

46. Reunite Color Me Badd

47. File for bankruptcy

48. Sequelize The Runaways

49. Wash, dry and detail all the taxi cabs in New York

BONUS:

50. Trust John Corbett

BONUS: Why and How Men Cry


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3 thoughts on “50 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch Sex and the City 2

  1. Funny Girl

    I dunno–breast-milk cheeseburger, Lou Reed, or the cigarette thing . . . hard to top your list—and YES I AM WOMAN–the only answer to the really insoluble WHY any Barrie Cradshaw is simply MONEY from people who hate themselves and practice self-abuse . . . self-abuse in the non-biblical context.

    THANKS FOR THE GREAT LAUGH. WE SHOULD SEND YOU MONEY

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