Why I didn’t buy you a drink

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Here we go again. – m4w – 22 (Downtown)

Date: 2010-01-12, 11:55AM MST

So a couple of weeks ago a put up a post regarding the etiquette of intersexual drink-buying at bars. Lo and behold, this past weekend a friend of mine got burned at the tav by falling for the exact trap that my post warned against. Accordingly, I felt compelled to repost for the benefit of all the beautiful women in Salt Lake who don’t want to scroll all the way down to find the original post. This may be redundant, but I cannot in good conscience let this phenomenon go overlooked. So here it is again: Why I didn’t Buy You a Drink.

You: Cute girl at the bar. Me: The guy you chatted with while waiting for our drinks. The Topic: Why I didn’t buy you a drink. The Audience: Women everywhere, please read this. I know it’s long, but I feel the length is expedient to truly illustrating and arguing my point.

I was waiting to order right as things were getting crazy. It was obvious that it would be a long wait. What can I say? I can’t compete with all the douches yelling for jager bombs. It was then that you appeared. A cute, petite, slightly hipster-ish girl standing next to me, waiting to order as well. The conversation began in the typical manner, simply relating on how frustrating it is when you spend half a night out just waiting for a drink. It then evolved into a true conversation. I spent the next twenty minutes finding out you have great taste in music, movies and literature. You laughed at my jokes, and that’s a big deal to average-looking guys like me. Unfortunately, after we’d both finished our respective drinks, but were still immersed in discussion, you dropped a bomb that sent shrapnel into my heart.

“So are you gonna buy me a drink or what?”

I had been dreading this moment. I’ve learned from hard experience that any prolonged conversation with a girl at a club or a bar inevitably requires a fee of rum and coke, vodka tonic, or God forbid, a cosmo. As cute as you were, I felt obligated to retain my self-respect.

“Sorry, I don’t buy girls drinks. Just kind of my policy.”

You looked at me like I told you I was going to rape your dog Charlie (yes, I remember his name). Your face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion, and utter disbelief.

“Seriously, you’re not gonna buy me a drink? What’s your problem?”

Well sweetheart, let me explain to you in detail my logic regarding this decision that you found so unbelievable:

  1. I’ve been going to bars for a couple of years now. I enjoy meeting people when I do. I enjoy meeting attractive girls like yourself. I have, however, learned that buying girls drinks is a sucker’s game. Yes, it has developed into sharing my bed for the night a couple times, but 90% of the time, all it does is give me a higher bar tab. Now you might say I’m a prick for expecting a girl to sleep with me just because I buy her a drink. I agree an $8 cocktail does not and should not equal a sexual encounter. However, I believe spending time and money on a girl when I could be having a good night out with my friends does entitle me at least one of the following things: You reciprocating by buying me a drink, you giving me your phone number and/or going out on a date with me, where once again I will be spending time and money on you. Notice that sex is not a requirement or expectation that is coupled with any of these options. Now, of course, if I had offered to buy you a drink, and you accepted, you are not obligated to any of these things. The big distinction here is that you asked me to buy you a drink, and were shocked that I wouldn’t do so. This brings me to my second point.
  2. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re an attractive girl, and when you go out there is no shortage of guys offering to buy you drinks. You know that they are all doing so with the hope that it will lead to sex with you. You know that it’s not going to happen, but you will accept the free drinks anyway. I don’t hold this against you. If they’re dumb enough to think that buying you a drink is the key to your heart and that they are somehow different from the other Ed Hardy-wearing frat-bros then it’s their own damn fault. You’re using your god-given assets to get free alcohol, nothing wrong with that. But it is precisely because I know that you do this that I will not be another douche who thinks he can get into your pants with a mixed drink. It’s insulting to my dignity as a man and your honor as a woman. I noticed you when you first walked in. I saw you dancing with that hopeless collar-popper. I saw him go to the bar and bring a drink back to you on the dancefloor. I saw how the second the glass was in your hand, you gave him the “Thanks for the drink, it was really nice meeting you” treatment complete with the obligatory pat on the chest. I saw the pathetic, defeated look on his face as you walked away. He will enter the next round of bar hopping a little wiser I hope.
  3. You took my unwillingness to fall into such a trap as an insult. You accused me of being stuck-up. You then said that I had a chance at fucking you, but that I’d ruined it by being an asshole. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That the asinine idea that getting a girl a drink will get you in her pants is actually true? That your decision of whether or not to sleep with a guy is based on him liquoring you up? We had a good conversation, and maybe you were actually interested in me. But the fact that any rapport we built was destroyed when I wouldn’t buy you a gin and tonic means that I am no longer interested in you. Not all guys are desperate sperm donors. Some of us actually value a good conversation, and we value girls who have enough respect for themselves that they don’t view sex as a transaction.
  4. We established during our conversation that we are both broke-ass fine arts students. Why then would you expect that I, someone who shares your financial woes, would want to spend money on you, a girl I just met? I don’t believe that chivalry is dead. I’ll hold a door for you, I’ll pull out your chair or take your coat. I’ll help you change a flat tire, carry you over deep puddles, figure out the remote, reset your modem. I’ll even help you move when I know you a little better. Why? Because I’m a gentleman. I will not, however, buy you a drink under the pretense that it is what a gentleman does, because I simply cannot afford it. If you want a guy who can afford to buy you whatever you want, find a fifty year-old sugar daddy. There was no shortage of potentials at the bar the other night.

I hope this illustrated my thought-process clearly enough. I hope you realize that you seemed amazing at first, and that declining to buy you a drink was in no way an insult. Your reaction, however, revealed the self-entitled, game-playing she-devil that was lurking underneath. I thank god for the out that he provided at that moment though. Just after you finished your little rant on what I dick I was for not boozing you up, a group of girls emerged at the bar right behind you. Two of these girls were thin and pretty. They immediately got the attention of some bros and had free drinks within minutes. The third girl was overweight and out of place. She had clearly spent a great deal of time and effort on her appearance, but alas, she was once again forsaken by her prettier friends and left to stand by herself, looking miserable. Luckily, I know when the universe has given me a profound gift. There were two incredible moments that filled me with an elation that could not be rivaled by the orgasm I would have had while fucking you. The first was the sincere, excited smile that the chubby girl gave me when I moved past you and asked what she wanted to drink. The second was turning back and seeing the look of horror on your face. You pathetic “have fun with the fatty” remark as you walked away was priceless. I may be broke, but I was willing to go into the red to make this girl’s night and to piss you off. I’m sure as soon as you left you got plenty of free drinks and plenty of idiots drooling over you. I just hope that I got under your skin enough to prevent any enjoyment of those things.

I had a great night. I introduced the big girl to an open-minded friend, and as I write this they are across the hall having loud sex. Normally going to bed alone, subjected to the sounds of raucous lovemaking across the hall would be a serious downer. But tonight, as I crawl into my lonely bed, I will go to sleep comforted by the fact that I have retained my self-respect. Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your “hot” naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience. This may just be me trying to justify going to bed alone tonight, but hey, what can you do?

The moral: Ladies, accept drinks if they are offered. Do not expect them. And if you’re feeling particularly wild on a given night, offer to buy the guy a drink. He will be instantly smitten.

* Location: Downtown
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1549320166

46 thoughts on “Why I didn’t buy you a drink

  1. your-wellwisher

    dude. are you fucking serious? i mean having a code of self-respect and boundaries is fine but buying a girl a drink? i mean she could have been the love of your life! you’re expecting girls to know act in very particular ways – its too much too expect. i think ‘lolcats’ might just be right. take it a little easy on yourself

  2. José Mota

    This has been one of the best chronicles I’ve read lately. Absolutely brilliant.
    What I don’t understand though is how you never said that to her in the spot in the first place. Such brains of yours should stick the both of you together, am I wrong? :P

    Other than that, you have the right energy. Admirable.

  3. Coolface

    your-wellisher, for my sake (and your maybe?) I hope that the “love of my life” isn’t a paid-for -object- or one that charges by the hour (i believe those are called prostitutes?)

  4. X-Tremo

    clap clap clap clap… Brilliant… One of the best histories I’ve read in the last 6 months :)

    In Spain, where I’m from, not lot of guys buy girls drinks (at least the ones i know) and in Germany, where i live, each one pays his part, at least until there is a relationship and, even there, it depends on the couples…

    Didn’t know in USA you gotta buy chicks drinks to get it on… :(

  5. Gloria

    Great! Glad you told her the way it was! Too many people are out there looking for what they can get – some with plenty of money begging someone without any. She showed her true colors rather quickly.

  6. BeeBop

    Thoughtful, well-written.

    But really, if you’re spending so much time and money in bars that you write a piece like this on not buying girls drinks, maybe you’re spending too much time and money in bars “Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” when you should be studying.

    Extra: as a fine arts MFA, my suggestion is CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR MAJOR.

  7. The ladies can buy me drinks!

    Hell yea! When I was single, I had never bought a girl a drink! Never! If they expected it, I moved on. And I never had a problem getting ladies. Very good article. Guys who buy girls drinks are suckers! Hands down. Even most women admit they talk to a guy to get a free drink!

  8. Michael Vick

    Mostly true, but the trick is to buy her the drink that puts her over the edge! More to the point though, if you did have a meaningful conversation with her for 20 minutes prior to the request, you have a very good shot at getting her phone number. Now, there’s a chance she may not answer/respond to text but at least you don’t get shot down at the bar.

  9. Bored

    Reminds me of the old joke:
    Man walks into a bar, sees a pretty girl and strikes up a conversation with her, then,

    “So, if I was to offer you a million dollars right now, would you come back home to my bed?” He asks.

    “Sure!” The woman replies.

    The man considers this, then,

    “So how about if I only offered you five dollars?” He asks.

    At this the woman becomes quite indignant.

    “Are you crazy?! What kind of a girl do you think I am?” She practically spits at him.

    To which the man replies,

    “We have already established that. Now we are just haggling over a price.”

  10. Teelo

    Yeah this article is Spot on.

    I cant tell you how terrible I felt about myself after doing something that lowers my own self worth, and how good it feels to do something out of self respect and dignity.

  11. Becko

    Very interesting piece. I live in Australia, and whilst girls are bought drinks all the time, I was very surprised to learn a short while ago that my US counterparts are able to go out all night and not spend a dime on their own drinks. I’d like to think I’m moderately attractive, and I do get offers but not enough to cover me all night. That being said, I rarely to never accept. I *hate* to feel like I owe someone anything. And I certainly would never EVER expect a drink. That’s ridiculous.

    But I just wanted to point out that buying a larger girl a drink doesn’t make you a better person. The fact that you think it does is kind of superficial on your part, even though I get the point you were going for.

    Also, maybe the girl meant it as a flirty line and she was genuinely interested. In which case you shot yourself in a foot. And she became embarrassed at being what she interpreted as a blunt rejection. On the other hand, if she did actually expect a drink just for being attractive and able to string together a conversation? That’s pathetic!

  12. ryan_8287

    agreeing with becko. i think the right way to play this might have been replying with something like “depends, are you going to talk to me for longer than the last guy who bought you one?” still gets your point across while giving her a chance to save face. assuming straight away that a girl’s just hustling for drinks is kinda self-righteous, as is the bit about “and then i bought the big girl a drink!” still, points for good intentions and a well-written post. cheers.

  13. hah

    I think I'm in love with you.
    I did buy a guy a drink a couple weeks ago and he thought he was coming home with me(I'm a girl). HAHA made me feel so masculine, buying a guy a drink will instantly result in sex. Well…not buying a guy a drink would still result in instant sex. BUT IT'S A GOOD ICEBREAKER!
    if you're considerably sexually frustrated.

  14. Corn Alien

    This answer a lot of my questions!! I just started dating and didn't know if accepting a drink was ok-even though I'm not interested. While your friends keep saying take it and I would feel guilty :)

  15. Tang

    Ok, as a girl, if we were having a great convo and then you didn’t buy me a drink (granted she should have outloud said ‘buy me a drink’) but if you didn’t offer me on I’d think you were a cheapskate and NO THANKS. I’m not shallow but these are gestures that are bonus points and If im into you will only help your case.

  16. WestofBrooklyn

    Refreshing post, thanks for sharing it. It’s a shame that someone would expect a free drink for a moment of their time. Just have fun people and don’t expect anything. You’d be amazed at what happens sometimes.

    By the way, too often the drink-offering-party expects more than he/she should. Along those same lines, just because a girl answers your questions, is friendly and makes conversation with you doesn’t mean that you are in for a roll.

    It means that she’s nice, at least when I do it. Take care all.

  17. ?!

    Wth? Sorry men, but if you don’t buy me a drink, then there is definently no chance of having a **** with me. Simple as that. A real man is supposed to buy a lady a drink. That is the way it is.

  18. Koowie

    LOL. To bad we can’t actually argue this point that the bar because 1, it’s way too long of an explanation, though a real good one, and 2, bars and clubs are so loud, they wouldn’t hear it anyway.haha

  19. Will

    Can you believe that women in Holland go out with no money. Because ignorant idiots buy those girls drinks. And to often i see woman takin’ advantage of it. I dont really blame em though. If they wanna buy it, why not, ikd probably do the same, drinks are expensive..

  20. A girl

    I actually really like this post, because 1. i don’t like accepting drinks from random guys 2. i feel for the guy who has to shell out more money just because of his gender (and that he’s heterosexual).

    I just want to say that not all chics are like that self-absorbed girl you were first talking to. And not all girls enjoy guys drooling over them or having bros fill their glass.

    The author prob won’t read this, but after what you did for the ‘fat’ girl, i would buy you a drink any day.

  21. lolbats

    Oops, read this too late. Bought a girl a drink tonight in California and she gave me her landline :( I want my money back!!!! I’m suing.

  22. Bryan

    I wish I could write like this! This article is absolutely hilarious and so true! I hate it when girls expect you to buy them drinks! There is nothing wrong with wanting to buy a girl a drink, but the second she asks you to buy one for her you know you should run, or buy her a water!

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