Written by Brandi Lynn

If I could have one superhero power it would be the ability to snap my fingers and get to any destination I could dream of. But I’m a mere mortal so I had to become a a wing-wearin’, heel-stomping, drink-slinging flight attendant.
People like asking the same questions over and over. My worst flight ever? Stuck with a passenger drunk off his socks. Favorite destination? Rome. Ever dated a pilot? Oh my god, NO.

But no one ever stops to ask me the question I’m dying to answer: What can a passenger do to annoy a flight attendant? So now it’s my turn. I present the 10 Most Annoying Passenger Habits.

10) Frowning Faces: I like smiles. I especially like them come row 40, so please, throw a smile my way. Sounds easy enough, right?

9) Misuse of Overhead Compartments: If you’re one of the first 10 passengers to board, shoving your jacket into the overhead bin is a total a-hole move. It’s frustrating to have to check someone’s carry-on because your jacket has taken up half the overhead bin when it could easily have gone under the seat in front of you.

8) Creating Obstacles in the Aisle: Legs, feet, shoulders, elbows, knees, heads … bags, purses, shoes, pillows … Aisles are small. Galley carts are big. It’s hard seeing around a 200-lb. galley cart, so I hit countless body parts daily (and feel terrible doing it). I’m asking — no, I’m begging — please keep all of your personal objects, and your person, out of the aisle until I’ve passed you. Then, feel free to take the aisle back over.

7) Rolling Your Eyes When I Can’t Help You Hoist Your Carry-On Into the Overhead Bin: I understand that you might need a hand getting your luggage into the overhead. I can’t risk hurting myself for you or your bag — I don’t want to get an OJI (on the job injury) and be out of work. I’m genuinely sorry I have to say no. I really am … until you roll your eyes. Then, you’ve lost all sympathy

6) Not Paying Attention to My Exit-Row Briefing: Your chatting on the phone/talking to the person next to you during my exit-row briefing is not only annoying, but it gives me the right to remove you from that row with extra leg room. I have to know you are willing and able to do what I’m asking. It’s simple. Listen for a minute (yes, I know you’ve “heard this 200 times before, but it’s not going to kill you to listen again and then I’ll be on my way. That simple.

5) Leaving Your Headphones on While Ordering: “Whaaaaat?” Press pause, take them out for just a tiny moment and tell me what you want. I’ll love you for life.

4) Telling Me What My Job Is: I’m paid to handle an emergency situation. My slinging drinks, chat-chatting and being friendly while bringing you blankets, tissues, cups of water and little peanuts is just an added bonus for you. If you have a heart attack and there’s no doctor on the plane, I’m there and can try to keep your heart going. So please, please do not tell me what my job is.

3) Complaining About My Limited Food Supply: We know airlines used to serve free, hot meals in main cabin. We also know many airlines have gone bankrupt in the past 10 years. They have had to make cuts — from no meals to fewer flights to outrageous bag-check fees — which suck all around. But I have no control over that, so please keep your comments to yourself — or write a letter.

2) Handing Me Dirty Diapers: Ewww. There is a lavatory on every airplane with a very nice and well-functioning garbage can. Enough said.

1) Poking Me: It’s rude to point, so it logically follows that it’s super-rude to poke/touch/rub/violate your crew members. Keep fingers and hands to yourself please. I have enough bruises from pointy fingers jabbing into my shoulder and butt to last a lifetime.

Bonus Tip: Bring any kind of candy for a crew member, and you are pretty much getting special treatment from that point on. We always remember those nice folks toward the back who brought us some Hershey’s Kisses …

Read more about Brandi’s adventures both in-flight and on the ground at her blog Excess Baggage

Written by Jim Rendon

1. “Good luck finding the best deal.”

When it comes to gas prices, most stations are branded — meaning the name of a major oil company hangs out front — and must buy gas from their proprietary company. They can’t shop around.

With a lock on sales, the oil companies charge each station a different price depending on various factors, such as the station’s competition and its location. That means a station might have to pay a lot more than one down the street, and that cost gets passed along to you.

Faced with such instability, Gainesville, Fla., resident Steven King plans ahead: “If I know I’m going out of town, I try not to buy gas, so I can fill up after I leave.” King says he can save 10 cents a gallon by purchasing gas on the road. You’d be similarly wise to shop around because with prices constantly in motion, the cheapest gas may not be at the same station every time.

2. “I hate it when gas prices go up.”

Stations earn, on average, 10 to 15 cents on a gallon of gas. Ironically, they earn the least when prices are highest. When fuel climbs, gas stations usually must shrink their profit margins to remain competitive, meaning they earn less per gallon.

But another big cost during tough times is something they can’t do anything about: credit card fees, which add up to about 2.5% of all purchases. When gas is at, say, $2 a gallon, stations pay credit card companies 5 cents a gallon; when gas hits $3, that fee becomes 7.5 cents, at least half of the stations’ average profits.

“Those credit card fees are miserable for the gas station business,” says Mohsen Arabshahi, who owns five Southern California stations.

How do station owners make up for lost revenue? “Prices go up like a rocket and come down like a feather,” says Richard Gilbert, a professor of economics at the University of California, Berkeley. For several weeks after wholesale prices drop, stations can earn as much as 20 cents a gallon before retail prices are lowered to reflect the change.

3. “My gas isn’t better for your car; it’s just more expensive.”

Oil companies spend lots of money explaining why their gas is better than the competition’s. Chevron’s gas, for example, is fortified with Techron, and Amoco Ultimate is supposed to save the planet along with your engine. But today, more than ever, one gallon of gas is as good as the next.

True, additives help to clean your engine, but what the companies don’t tell you is that all gas has them. Since 1994, the government has required that detergents be added to all gasoline to help prevent fuel injectors from clogging.

State and local regulators keep a close watch to make sure those standards are met; a 2005 study indicated that Florida inspectors checked 45,000 samples to ensure the state’s gas supply was up to snuff, and 99% of the time it was.

“There’s little difference between brand-name gas and any other,” AAA spokesman Geoff Sundstrom says.

What’s more, your local Chevron station may sell gas refined by Shell or Exxon Mobil. Suppliers share pipelines, so they all use the same fuel. And the difference between the most expensive brand-name gas and the lowliest gallon of no-brand fuel? Often just a quart of detergent added to an 8,000-gallon tanker truck.

4. “If you’re smart, you’ll put that debit card away.”

Your debit card might be a convenient way to pay for gas, but it’s a no-win proposition. When you swipe a debit card at the pump, the bank doesn’t know how much money you’ll be spending until you’ve finished pumping. So to make sure you have the funds to cover the purchase, some stations ask banks to automatically set aside some of your money: That amount can be $20 or more. That means even if you just topped off your tank for $10, you could be out $30, $50 or even $100 until the station sends over its bulk transactions, which can take up to three days. If your funds are running low, you might end up bouncing a check in the meantime, even though you had the money in your account.

Unfortunately, paying inside with your debit card isn’t much of a solution either. Many banks charge their customers 50 cents to $1 for the privilege of using their debit card in any PIN-based transaction. The American Bankers Association estimates only 13% of consumers pay these fees, but critics say the practice is on the rise and that consumers are often unaware of these charges.

5. “Don’t even consider applying for our gas card.”

When it comes to gasoline credit cards, a little research goes a long way. The good deals are great, but the bad deals are really bad. Similar to store cards issued through retailers, gas cards are riddled with drawbacks, says Curtis Arnold, the founder of CardRatings.com. Annual percentage rates are high, starting above 20%; many don’t offer rebates on gas purchases; and they often lack standard protections such as fraud monitoring and zero liability for unauthorized transactions.

What about a Visa or MasterCard affiliated with a gasoline brand such as Exxon or BP? They often offer lower interest rates and significant rebates but limit your ability to shop around. In December 2005, a few months after gas hit $3 a gallon, Justin Andringa of Minneapolis considered a branded credit card that came with a 15% rebate on gas purchases of that brand. But the rebate was temporary; he decided to stick with the card he had, which then offered a 5% rebate on gas purchases no matter where he bought it.

“I’m a college student,” Andringa says. “I need to save money.”

The deals on cards are constantly changing. CardRatings.com is a good place to find updated information.

6. “Looking for the cheapest gas in town? Try the Internet.”

You can’t actually buy gas online, but Web resources can help you find the cheapest fill-up in town. Among them, GasPriceWatch.com and Gaswatch.info help people track pump prices. More comprehensive is GasBuddy.com, which includes a network of 174 local sites, complete with maps and message boards that tally gas price by ZIP code.

“People are frustrated by the variation in the price of gas,” says GasBuddy.com co-founder Jason Toews, and they’re using the Internet to take control.

It has worked wonders for Sue Foust. Every day, as she passes roughly 10 stations on her commute across Tucson, Ariz., Foust notes their prices, then posts them on TucsonGasPrices.com, a local affiliate of GasBuddy.com.

Every four days or so, when she needs to fill up, she checks the prices others have posted in her area. It turned out the Shell station she used to frequent is one of the most expensive in the city. Now she fills up elsewhere. “I really do feel like I’m saving money,” she says.

7. “It’s a gallon when I say it’s a gallon.”

It’s hard to know whether you’re getting all the gas you paid for at the pump. But in some places there’s a very good chance you’re not. State or county authorities check pumps for accuracy, but in some areas it can be years between inspections. Arizona, for example, has only 18 staff members to check the state’s 2,300 stations.

That means stations there can expect a visit once every three to four years, according to Steve Meissner, a spokesman for the Arizona Department of Weights and Measures. In 2005, 30% of the more than 2,000 complaints the department received were valid, and it levied $167,000 in fines. The good news is that it’s often easy to catch the most common problem: Older pumps in poor repair may begin charging you for gas before you’ve pumped it. Check the meter to make sure it registers $0.00 before you begin and doesn’t start charging you before the fuel is flowing.

8. “I might gouge you on a soda, but my coffee’s a real bargain.”

With margins on gas taking a hit — in 2006, fuel sales made up 71% of revenue but only 34% of gross margins — stations are increasingly looking to their convenience stores for income. Given that fact, you’d assume the average Kwik-E-Mart would be a terrible place to buy just about anything. But that’s only partly true.

Stock that usually sits on the shelf does tend to be vastly overpriced, so if you forgot ketchup on the way to a barbecue, you can bet you’ll pay a lot more for it at a gas station than you would at a supermarket, says David Bishop, the director of convenience retailing for Willard Bishop Consulting. What about popular beverages? You’ll pay more for a 20-ounce soda at a gas station than you would for a 2-liter bottle in a supermarket; water and energy drinks similarly tend to have high markups.

But there are bargains to be had: Some high-volume goods, such as cigarettes and beer, are often competitively priced at gas stations. And a cup of coffee goes for a fraction of what you’d pay at Starbucks.

9. “If you’re having car trouble, you’re in the wrong place.”

The days of the local gas station staffed with a skilled mechanic have all but come to an end. Most station owners have swapped car lifts for beverage cases and carwashes, or anything else that brings in a high-volume stream of income and traffic, says Dennis DeCota, the executive director of the California Service Station and Automotive Repair Association. The more people who pull over for a soda, the greater the chance they’ll top off their tank and vice versa, the thinking goes. Few owners want the hassle of a business such as car repair, even if it earns the same amount of money as a convenience store.

In addition, repairing cars is increasingly expensive, and the ill will and potential liability from a fix-it job gone wrong are more of a headache than many owners are willing to risk. Today a service station can require $100,000 worth of diagnostic equipment — a significant investment. It’s a risky venture with little payoff, says Southern California station owner Arabshahi. In fact, Arabshahi removed the service station from one of his locations after he bought it.

“I don’t have a service station because I am not a mechanic,” he says. “If he messes up a job, then it’s my name on there.”

10. “You might not need regular gas to run your car.”

Cars run on gasoline, but not all cars need traditional gasoline to run. In fact, 6 million cars on the road today (mostly from U.S. manufacturers and built since 1998) are “flexible fuel” vehicles that can run on E85, a fuel that is 85% ethanol and only 15% gas.

When Minneapolis resident John Schafer bought a car in late 2001, he chose a Chevy Tahoe because it’s a flexible-fuel car. Since then he’s filled up almost exclusively with E85. The big difference he’s noticed: about 15% fewer miles to the gallon. But it’s a drawback he’s willing to put up with.

“I’m committed to the technology,” Schafer says. “With E85, it burns cleaner, so it won’t pollute as much.”

Although E85 generally costs less than regular gas, there is some concern that it may grow prohibitively expensive as demand outpaces supply: By 2006, ethanol was being used more than just in E85; it also composed 15% of every gallon of gas sold. Supplies of ethanol are likely to grow thin, which could drive up the price of E85. And even die-hard Schafer says he won’t buy E85 if it starts to cost more than gasoline.

This article was reported by Jim Rendon for SmartMoney.

Written by holytaco

The 4th of July is a time to spend with family and friends, celebrating the things that make America what it is: beer, meat, fireworks, and more beer…and boobs, also. And you’re pretty much guaranteed four of those five things on the 4th of July. Be warned, though: if you decide to spend your 4th of July with your loved ones, there are 7 Things that Will Definitely Happen at Your Family’s 4th of July Barbecue:

1. Your Uncle Will Get Sick from Eating Spoiled Potato Salad

Potato salad is the one thing that’s always left over at the end of a hot, fun-filled 4th of July. Why? Because potato salad was on sale, and everyone at the barbecue brought it as a side dish. Most normal people know that eating potato salad that’s been sitting in the sun all day is like holding a sweaty, nervous guy’s briefcase for him at the airport. But your uncle has been shooting bottle rockets at squirrels and pounding MGD all day, and now he’s f*ckin’ hungry. The skin that’s formed over the top of the potato salad isn’t going to stop him. In fact, he’ll probably peel it off and make a bad Silence of the Lambs joke while shoving it into his mouth with his bare hands like a savage. Just have a camera at the ready, because in about an hour, he’ll be curled in the fetal position, covered in his own filth, calling out desperately for Jesus to save him.

2. Your Grandma Will Say Something Racist

This 4th of July, your sister might decide to throw a curveball: she’ll show up with her new boyfriend, who happens to be of a different ethnicity than the rest of your family. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, and anyone who was born after 1940 won’t even pay any mind to it. Unfortunately, your grandma was born in the 1700′s or something, and she doesn’t like it one bit. Being the good, passive-aggressive grandma that she is, she’ll try her best to hold her tongue, and keep her racial slurs at a hushed tone, but eventually she’s going to slip. She’s old. That’s what old people do. At some point in the day, she’s going to refer to your sister’s boyfriend as “Boy”, or tell him to clear the table, or to “get back to work ‘fore she tells papa he’s trying to escape”, whatever that means. Try to get people to laugh this off as “just crazy old grandma”. Your sister will break up with the dude next week anyway, so you just have to focus on the short game: making it through the day without anyone punching your grandma’s false teeth out.

3. You’ll Hit on a Hot Chick Who Turns Out to be Your Cousin

The recent economic shit-storm has forced a lot of people to move back home, where their families can help and support them. Fortunately, this means that you’ll get to meet some extended family members that you didn’t even know you had. Unfortunately, some of them are going to be hot. You’ll consider the possibility that you might somehow be related to the mega-babe that you’re chatting up at the barbecue, but surely you would’ve heard about her before, right? Your mom, at some point in your life, would’ve at least said, “Oh, by the way, you have a cousin in Vancouver who’s really hot. Just an FYI!” Your hot cousin, on the other hand, knows that you two are related. She just likes the attention she’s getting from you. She’ll wait until you make a pass at her, then she’ll immediately run and tell your parents that you invited her to hang out in the attic for a half-hour while creepily brandishing a twenty dollar bill. There’s a good chance that at least three other family members will jump to your defense, because they got caught in the same trap earlier in the day. Stick together and you’ll all get through it with minimal collateral damage.

4. Your Dad Will Have Really Bad Gas All Day Long

On July 4th, your dad is going to wake up with bad gas. In fact, his bad gas is going to wake him up. Knowing that he was going to be immersed in food at the barbecue today, he decided to eat a light dinner last night, consisting of only 6 Jack-in-the-Box tacos. He’ll remind you all day that his dinner only cost $3 total. Unfortunately, just standing next to him will remind you that Jack-in-the-Box tacos tear apart an intestinal tract like that F5 tornado at the very beginning of Twister. Y’know how you’ve always wondered what an Auschwitz shower drain smelled like? Well, this is probably as close as your ever going to get.

5. Your Drunk Uncle Will Set the Lawn on Fire

It’s a fairly simple equation: Drunk Uncle + Firecrackers = Flaming Lawn. This happens for a few reasons: Your uncle has been drunkenly playing with firecrackers for a long time, regardless of whether or not it happens to be a firecracker-oriented holiday like the 4th of July. Therefore, he’s pretty confident with small explosives. He’s also going to go the extra mile, because today is a firecracker-oriented holiday. But your uncle doesn’t use just any firecrackers for special occasions. He uses big, huge, highly unpredictable 4th of July firecrackers. These firecrackers are so big that they’re illegal to sell, but they weren’t illegal when he bought them 15 years ago. Lighting a gigantic, 15-year old firecracker is like talking with a lisp in a biker bar: you’re just begging to get f*cked up. If the antiquated explosive device doesn’t destroy your uncle, it’s going to destroy something else, and there’s a good chance that that something will be at least the yard, if not the nearest building. Have a fire extinguisher on hand if—no, when this happens.

6. Your Cousin, the Vegetarian, Will Complain About the Food

There’s nothing like sitting around a grill cooking meat, drinking beer, and watching shit blow up. That’s why it will inevitably cause a huge stink when your cousin shows up from her semester away, claiming that she no longer eats “animal flesh”. She’ll bitch and complain about having nothing to eat, ruining everyone’s good time. The problem will be escalated when an elderly relative makes an inappropriate comment about the way she’s dressed, and your perverted uncle will follow that comment with a creepily suggestive saying about your cousin putting meat in her mouth. That’s why it’s probably in your best interest to have a little something there for everyone, even if it’s not what you would eat.

7. Someone Who Shouldn’t Wear a Swimsuit Will Wear One

The combination of hot summer sun, booze, and bodies of water makes clothes come off like tequila to a sorority girl. Unfortunately for you, the clothes will not come off of anyone that you’d ever want to see in swimwear. Ever. Whether it’s your fat aunt, who’s ass droops like an elephant’s bottom lip, or your creepy neighbor, who’s testicles just keep “accidentally” peeking out, you’re going to see parts of people that you never wanted to see. There’s not really any getting around it, except for maybe staying inside all day, but who wants to do that? The only way to soldier through it is to get as drunk as you possibly can, aiming for one of two results: either your vision becomes so blurry from the alcohol that you physically can’t see anymore, or you get so drunk that you don’t remember anything the next day. The important thing to remember is to drink as much as possible. The last thing you want is for the 4th of July to ruin masturbation for the rest of your life….well, maybe just the next few days, but still…

Bonus: Independence Day BBQ

Remember that fourth of July when those Aliens came and tried to wipe out mankind? That was CRAZY!