Written by Kimberly Pruitt
I really like you. I do. You’re so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don’t really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don’t you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.
We’re so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn’t want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once-would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I’ve got going here.
It’s justโฆyou’re like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you’ve spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don’t have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.
Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I’d call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn’t answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don’t even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.
Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I’ve known you so long, you’re more like a brother that I’ve drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It’d be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you’d come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I’ve had a bad day at work, you’d be looking at me like, “I’ve seen her breasts.” God, I can’t think of anything more awkward that that.
Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I’d be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don’t see how much it crushes you. Let’s never lose that. That’s what makes us us.
Don’t worry. You’re so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You’ll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I’ll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won’t believe it when you say we’re just friends. But when she dumps you, that’s just what we’ll be.
Best friends. Friends forever.
That is bloody brilliant. Nailed.
It’s from the most recent Onion.
Genius!!
And that, ladies, is why we treat you mean to keep you keen.
I hope this was written about a teenager because whatever loser puts himself in that position deserves it as well as the ultimate result; suicide.
Shoot yourself, you’ve earned it.
oops okay thats why you said flattered but no thanks when i wanted to date after being platonic for30 years, engaged to each other a couple of times and sent the message that youd do anything for me except be with me. sorry youre right it really would mess up the sweet situation we have. im glad were still friends..have i told you about my new sweetheart yet…im sure i will.
This hits the nail on the head! I know what those blue balls feel like
when you take an article without a link or giving credit, it’s called stealing.
This is why guys and girls, unless brought together by some unique life experience, can NOT just be friends. It’s funny how young people frown on me when I say that, because they have a “friend” that is a guy/girl that they to have been dancing around the fact that they like because they have a boy/girlfriend, and don’t want them to get jealous. It’s true. You CAN though, be a really good liar and pretend to have just strictly a “friendship” with a heterosexual of the opposite sex, but that is all it is……a really good lie.
Cindy? Is that you?
Story of my life.
Guy’s have only two kinds of women in their lives (besides family members) Those they have slept with and those they have not slept with yet. It’s as simple as that.
i have a few friends that are girls …. i usually use them though and either ive already done them or i eat there food and get them to buy me stuff …. I always fart on there hand when i get a chance and i leave the stinkiest dumps out in the open ๐
a greater truth was never told, i salute u author!
Brilliant! I loved it ๐
On the other hand it reminds me some sad times in my life :'(
okie..it is funny…but tell me is it right to generalize the whole female category on the basis of 1….every relationship has a diff story…in sum men turn out to be $%#$@%@#$% and in sum women turn out to be $%$#%#$….so i guess it really not worth to generalize ….
The name Kimberly Pruitt (author) links to the original Onion article.
But I said the same thing to my best friend and then had a loser boyfriend, and then realised how much the best friend loves me. I thought my best friend is or can be the man of my life. 2 years later, I realise he was just like any other guy, what with temper and ego issues and extreme mood swings, and trying every little bit to control my life etc etc etc. He was just a better best friend than a boyfriend, cos now, I’ve lost both. Sorry men, but most of you are all almost the same. You may love a girl, but fuck it up with her. Respect understanding, care, valuing her, being respectful to her feelings, putting your ego aside etc. are things that make a relationship, but most men fuck it up there. You’re lucky you atleast have her in your life, in whatever form. Cos most of you don’t have what it takes to make the girl feel truly loved, secured, happy and you don;t give her enough reasons to be with you , and to make it a lasting loving meaningful relationship.
Becky is clearly a bitch