Written by Kathy Benjamin

As anyone who’s ever encountered babies in the wild can tell you, they’re shiftless little balls of deception and greed. Those of us who stand up to walk, and sit down to poop may not be Mother Theresa, but it turns out we had a long way to go from our babbling drooling selves.

Yes, unless you’re a borderline sociopath today, you were probably at your worst before you ever uttered a word. It’s science!

#6.

Lying

It seems crazy that a barely functioning human infant could be cunning enough to lie to get out of trouble, but it’s true. Baby You was such an asshole that you started lying before you could even speak. Scientists have found that by the age of just six months mini-you was already “fake crying” and “pretend laughing” to get attention. Babies are so good at that lie they will even pause briefly and listen to see if someone is responding to their crocodile tears before starting up again.

Oh shut up, you piece of shit.

Perhaps even more surprising is that, when they know they’ve done something wrong, the little bastards will distract their parents to avoid getting caught. Crying for attention isn’t so terrible, because receiving positive attention makes you feel good. But causing a distraction? That means the slimy, shrieking baby knows it has done something wrong and wants to cover up for it. Before they learn how to poop without assistance, babies know how to create an alibi.

Why Did I Do That?!

Lying is considered an important part of a child’s development. Once you can speak, your lies become more complex, and believable and the early non-verbal attempts at lying help us learn the types of lies we can get away with.

According to science, lying isn’t something that happens when a normal baby get’s corrupted by TV–it is normal human behavior. Telling the truth is the thing we have to learn. Most of us start to feel bad about lying around age four, once we’re old enough to understand those morality tales our parents keep telling us. So the only thing standing between you and a life of crime was “The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.”

Pictured: You, if your parents were flightless birds.

#5.

Prejudice

It’s not a mystery why you treat attractive people well now: You want them to have your sex. There’d be no reason to discriminate against ugly chicks when you where a baby right? Wrong. It turns out you’ve been favoring hotties since the doctor smacked you. In a 2004 study in the field of weird-shit-we-can-make-babies-do, a UK scientist made several babies look at two pictures. One of those pictures was of an attractive woman, and the other was of a non-attractive woman. Out of these babies (all of seven-days old, max), almost 100 percent looked significantly longer at pictures of “attractive” people than “unattractive” people.

Wait, how did this study even get approval?

But it doesn’t end there. In those first months, babies would look at an attractive person of another race for just as long as an equally hot person of their race. But within a few short months, even if shown a supermodel of a different skin color, the baby would ignore her completely. If a white baby was shown two pictures of Asian people, of any level of attractiveness, the baby would look at them the same amount of time, then get bored and look away. To that white baby, Asian people all look alike. Seriously.

“So… are you girls quintuplets or what?”

Why Did I Do That?!

Survival. In general, attractive people have more “normal” features and therefore better genes. By staring up with your big blue eyes at the hottest person in the room, you are assuming that’s your mommy, or at least hoping that turning on the charm will make her adopt you. Being raised by someone healthy gives you a better chance of living to see your first birthday. The baby-racism makes sense as well from an evolutionary perspective: It’s important as you get older to know who all the people in your tribe are, but that other tribe down the way? According to the studies, all you need to know is they don’t look like you. Their individual features? Irrelevant in your tiny, racist baby mind.

#4.

Defiance

From the minute babies are able to understand basic communication techniques they give everyone a big fuck you. You’ve all seen babies thrown tantrums; screaming and thrashing their limbs about, forgetting that at any moment you can crush their tiny, fragile bones in your superior man-sized hands.

Any goddamned moment.

Tantrums not only stem from not getting what you want but also from refusing to do things. Babies will even resist things they actually want to do or enjoy doing, seemingly just because they are tiny freaking assholes. “No” is one of the most common first words spoken by children and can sometimes occupy their entire vocabulary for three months before they say just about anything else.

Why Did I Do That?!

Defiance is a way for a baby to define themselves. They start to realize that they are separate from the world and have their own thoughts, desires and actions. When you were first born, your parents would put you into your crib and you fell asleep. But a few months later it occurs to you, what if you don’t feel tired? What if you CHOOSE not to go to sleep? What if you refuse and express your displeasure?

“I feel nothing but contempt for you.”

And it’s important to remember that this kind of baby-bitch-negativism isn’t restricted to things the baby doesn’t want. The baby might whine when you try to put it to sleep when it’s not tired, but it might also whine when you take it out of the crib. And when you feed it, or rock with it, or try to comfort it, it will push you away simply because you’re doing something. The baby’s in control, and you need to know that.

#3.

Getting High

You’re a good parent. You’re doing your best raising your stupid little baby and, so far, you think you’re doing a pretty decent job. Then one night, you put your baby in their crib as usual but instead of nodding off they sit up and start beating their head against their crib over and over again. Hard. You’re in too much shock to do anything, or maybe you’re just kind of a crummy parent and you want to see where your baby’s going with this when, after a minute or so, it is all over and your innocent little angel is fast asleep. What the hell just happened?!

It’s not just your baby, either. Starting at about nine months, before going to sleep many infants will bang their heads against something solid up to 80 times a minute. Spells can last from a few minutes to a few hours. They’re not mad, they’re not trying to get something, they are seemingly just hurting themselves for no reason at all other than to fuck with your already fragile and sleep-deprived parent brain.

Why Did I Do That?!

It feels fucking awesome, and it’s the closest this baby can come to getting high (unless you’re really crummy parents). The surge of adrenaline that the kid gets from the slight pain induces a happy, calm and relaxed feeling followed by exhaustion. They don’t care if you protest, and they don’t care if there’s any harm done. They just want that next adrenaline fix, and they’ll bang their head all night to get it.

But they can quit any time they want. Totally.

You are destroying the lives of everyone around you.

#2.

Stealing

Imagine this: A guy notices his neighbor, or his brother has something he wants. A watch, or a car. This guy wants it, so he cons and lies and manipulates until, eventually, his neighbor or brother either feels guilty enough or bad enough for him, and they give up the watch. The con man gets what he wants. What would you call that? Stealing, probably. Now, imagine that same scenario, but imagine a tiny, worthless baby is doing it. What would you call that? That’s right: Adorable stealing, and babies do it all the time.

If they see something they want, they’ll do whatever it takes to get it. They’ll scream, sure, but they’ll also hit their head, injuring themselves, so their parents feel bad. One bumped head and suddenly every cookie and toy goes to the baby, and Mommy is cooing, “Are you alright?”

This behavior of self harm and manipulation usually starts before six months and can continue well into childhood. During tantrums, babies will hit and bite themselves, and some children will hold their breath for so long they pass out. This emotional manipulation is, not surprisingly, very effective.

“OBEY ME.”

Why Did I Do That?!

Children don’t have a complex understanding of other people’s ownership until they are a few years old. Unfortunately, an understanding of personal ownership comes much sooner than that. In other words, to a baby, everything is theirs. The concept of things being taken away makes no sense. If it’s MINE and I want it NOW why can’t I have it? Since everything is rightly yours there is nothing wrong with doing whatever you have to do to get it back. And if it takes making yourself pass out to get your damn pacifier returned, so be it. What do you care? You’re a little con baby.

#1.

Murder

For a long time scientists had a theory that left handed people might have started out as twins in the womb. Their rationale was that in a set of twins one tends to be right handed and one left handed. Genetic and nurturing factors can also affect handedness, but they can’t explain it completely in many cases. Maybe all lefties were the result of only one twin surviving the cage fight that is fetal development.

It wasn’t until ultrasounds, and fearless cameras capable of surviving the uterus, that scientists discovered their hunch was right. Sort of. They were right in the fact that most lefties were once twins but they didn’t go far enough. Scientists now think that a ridiculous one in eight people started out as two peas in a pod. Of course, only about one in 70 people actually is a twin. So what happened to your twin? You killed it and then absorbed it into your body. Yeah, those stories of adults finding teeth in their shoulder? Not urban legends.

Why Did I Do That?!

Because you’re evil.

Not really. Chances are you were just the healthier fetus. Or you hogged all the blood if you shared a placenta. Or you grew faster and literally left your sibling no womb at the inn. If multiple pregnancies are really as common as they now seem, we evolved to be this way for a reason. Trying out two fetuses to see which one is more likely to survive is a pretty good plan evolutionarily. Unfortunately, carrying twins is very dangerous for the mother, meaning that our best bet as a species was to let one twin kill off the other early on in development. Just another reason lefties are a sinister, sinister group of people.

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Written by forkparty

Love is in the air whether you like it or not. Around this time of year, girls tend to get all hot and bothered by the prospect of Valentine’s Day even though it isn’t even a real holiday. I don’t know why but women can’t seem to understand that Valentine’s Day is a holiday propagated by greeting card, flower, and chocolate companies. As a result, you, the man, statistically anyway, must purchase her love with gifts from the aforementioned companies.  They want stuff for Valentine’s Day; and not just any stuff, stuff that makes them feel “special” and “loved”. There are very strict guidelines that you must follow and if you purchase any of the following gifts, the odds that you won’t have a significant other for the 15^th are very, very good.

Lingerie

Lingerie is one of those gifts that isn’t really for her. Granted, Valentines Day is just a day where if you pull everything off correctly, you have a 100% chance of getting laid. I know it makes sense in your head that $80 lace undies is completely appropriate for Valentine’s Day but remember that women want to feel special on this day. What lingerie does is reassures them of the fact that they are nothing more than a sexual object to you and that won’t make them feel special at all.

Flowers From a Gas Station

Gas stations stock up on flowers because they know idiots like you are either going to completely forget Valentine’s Day or just put off buying a gift until the very last minute. Girls are smart… sometimes… well, at least they know that your bouquet of roses wrapped in newspaper and completely lacking any babies breath was purchased on your way home from work while you stopped for gas. These gas station attendants have no idea how to arrange a bouquet and although it may seem ridiculous to you, women hate that shit.

Gym membership

The gym membership has to be one of the all-time biggest screw-ups in gift buying. Instead of getting her a year at Gold’s gym, maybe you should have just slapped her across the face and told her to “go for a run, fatty”.

Cheesy Heart-Shaped Jewelry

Yeah, the jewelers have been advertising this completely cheesy heart-shaped pendant for the last few weeks but that doesn’t mean that anybody actually wants it. If you can get a piece of jewelry that is appropriate for any day, go for that instead of the cubic zirconia heart-shaped pendant and your chances of getting any will skyrocket. Think about it, If she’s ever had a boyfriend on any Valentine’s Day in the past, she probably already has a cheesy heart-shaped pendant and she really doesn’t need another.

Kitchen Appliances

Nothing cements your significant other’s attachment to the kitchen like appliances. Has a blender ever made you feel special? Has a food processor ever conveyed somebody’s undying love for you? If the answer is no then your girl doesn’t want it for Valentine’s Day. Take it back to Sears.

Bathroom Scale

Oh my god you did not. Seriously, a scale to weigh anything, even drugs, is strictly the worst present you can get anybody for anything. Even if you’re a alleged lover has just dropped 60 pounds and you want to get her a scale as a means of congratulating that effort, to her it just looks like she needs to lose some more. Personally, I don’t understand why in the world anybody would need a scale. If you’re fat, you can tell without the scale and no degree of accuracy is going to change that.

A Maid Outfit

The maid outfits or any other sexy costume is another one of those presents that’s really more for you than it is for her. I really have to reiterate the fact that these sorts of presence don’t make her feel special, they make you feel special. It might get to the point where you do get to slip her into some sexy costumes, but you’ll certainly never get there if you are giving them to her as the Valentines Day gifts. If you make her dinner, buy her a nice bunch of roses, and get her an incredibly personal and loving gift, then it might be time to break out the French maid costume. Best of luck to you though because I never saw the inputs as being worthy of the output.

Cooking Classes

Cooking classes are a great way of telling your significant other that they suck at cooking. Cookbooks may be a little lighter but they still aren’t recommended. Anything you give her to mold her into the person you want her to be, just forget it. You want to make her feel special as she is, not as you want her to be.

Cosmetic Surgery

I know it might seem pretty obvious that cosmetic surgery is a terrible gift get somebody you love but some people just don’t know. What you’re really saying is “yeah, I think you’re beautiful but you’d be more beautiful with a breast enhancement and some lypo”. Not so subtle implications that you think your lover isn’t perfect are terrible ideas for any day and will probably grant you a knee to the bollocks rather than a mouth to the same area.

Flowers from the Front Yard

By all means go out to wild fields and spend a couple hours picking flowers for the object of your affection, but if you have completely forgotten about Valentine’s Day until just prior to opening the door, forget about picking the daffodils from the front yard. Yeah, she can tell. If you forgot Valentine’s Day, don’t go reaching for the most ridiculous and simple gift you can find, instead make your lover feel special by cooking her a magnificent dinner and rubbing her feet down or something. Picking flowers from yours, or anybody else’s garden for that matter, is a surefire way to not get laid for the rest of the month.

A Venereal Disease

So, if everything else went right and you do end up getting laid on Valentine’s Day make sure that you are clean. Transmitting the present that that Saigon hooker gave you while on business is the last thing your significant other wants on Valentine’s Day. If you find yourself in this position, you would probably be better off just telling her that you’ve been unfaithful and leaving. She may be really quite upset now but when she realizes that you have a VD that she doesn’t, she might even thank you for not having sex with her. I bet it wouldn’t be the first time too! ZING!

A Card

Greeting cards are the embodiment of impersonal feelings. If you get all hot and bothered in your significant other’s presence, then you should be able to put your feelings onto paper. Greeting cards exist solely because people are too lazy to write how they really feel or just plain don’t care. By all means make your own card or buy a blank one, but make sure that you actually write something heartfelt and make the person that you’re giving it to feel special.

Any Hair Removal System

Nair, razors and coupons for laser treatments are all absolutely terrible gifts to get any woman. If she has a problem with body hair, fine, but don’t get her anything that reminds her of that problem for Valentine’s Day. You want to make your significant other feel absolutely beautiful exactly how they are. Chances are that if you know about her problems with hair sprouting out in embarrassing places, then so does she. The last thing she wants to be reminded of on Valentine’s Day is her mustache.

Dumping Them

Don’t dump anybody on Valentine’s Day because that’s just not cool. Remember, even though it may just be another day to you, girls actually give a shit.  One day it will come back to bite you in the butt because what goes around comes around. Seriously, if you dump anybody on Valentine’s Day, odds are that you were having second thoughts about the relationship prior to this date and you should have done something about it sooner.

“Oral” Guidance

If you get her a book called “Head: You’re Doing it Wrong” you are an idiot. On the other hand, if you get her a book called “Dogging Chicks Out: You’re Doing it Wrong” and spend the evening hours reading it followed up by a good 10-20 minutes of executing what you’ve just learned, she might be more inclined to look up some really nice techniques for you on the Internet.

Personally, I have completely succeeded in convincing my girlfriend that Valentine’s Day is a day that flower companies just want to get paid for. As a result, I don’t have to buy her anything. I do, however, make sure that I have a three-course meal and a seven-dollar a bottle of wine ready for her come dinnertime. Afterward, we might watch a terrible romantic comedy but because of all my hard work and dedication to making the significant other feel special and loved, I can usually persuade her to put on the stockings and give me a Valentine’s Day present as well.