Written by Left of Zen
Albert Einstein Quotes
1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Fredrick Nietzsche Quotes
7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.
8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
Mark Twain Quotes
12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Voltaire Quotes
18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.
25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.
Plato Quotes
29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.
32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.
33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Winston Churchill Quotes
34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
35. If you are going through hell, keep going.
36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
George Carlin Quotes
38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man?living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
44. What year did Jesus think it was?
45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
47. “No comment” is a comment.
48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Steve Martin Quotes
50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)
Steven Colbert Quotes
57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush?I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough?Somebody shoot me in the face.”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner
58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.
63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”
65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
Jon Stewart Quotes
66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.
69. We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005
Bill Maher Quotes
71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Larry David Quotes
79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.
81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”
Dennis Miller Quotes
82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
Jay Leno Quotes
85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Sarah Silverman Quotes
94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.
95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Chris Rock Quotes
96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.
99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”
100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars
101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.
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Um… wasn’t this RSS feed “IT Conversations”? What’s up with all the anti-Christian atheist crap?
at least its better than the christian crap… whatever…
Hahah this is really funny Quotes :)
Where are the Muhammad cracks? Guess you don’t want to offend the religion of peace. I do wonder how many readers you have lost today. I know of at least one.
You forgot this one
‘In order to be brave, you must first become afraid. For true courage lies in the overcoming of fear, not in its absence. ‘ – Blue Power Ranger
it’s anti-christian humor because its intelligent humor.
That No. 99 is so funny and so true :D
threy could of left out all the ‘anti-christian’ crap. i mean, what if it was all ‘anti-athiest’ or ‘anti muslem’ you people would be haveing cow, or barn, depends on how liberal you are.
-seperation of church and state=bull shit-
all you people who are complaining about the anti-christian comments need to get real. it is called comedy. most of these people are comedians and find things to make fun of.
your thin skin, and no apparent sense of humor is sad. makes me sad, and truly means your insecure with your own faith.
They’re jokes. No need to get all bent out of shape. If you don’t like them, then don’t read them. It’s as simple as that, dumbass.
LAUGH, OR LEAVE!
because anti-christian crap is funny. and it shows the ridiculousness of organized religion. and the hypocrisy of it.
yo .. wondefull…… thats all quotes are true….
come on people!!!! im catholic and attend church and i thought the jokes were funny. thats the whole point of a joke. am i right??? peace be with you and wheres your sense of humor!???
Hey, Islam is one of the only religions that aren’t corrupted. That’s a fact.
Now, let’s end the religion discussion and start laughing at these jokes, people. Life’s short and not everyone can be pleased, so GET OVER IT.
Jokes are always funny to read and laugh at…..
The church is man made…. however, Gods love is real. All God wants from us is to love others, treat others with respect, help those in need, and spread Gods grace with everyone we meet…… God loves you all and so do I!!
God made us in his image – he was either having an off day or in my case at least not first in line with the good looks.
you know what all you people who get all worked up about the anti-christian jokes need to lighten up. its not like you have never laughed about someone else’s religion & someone got offenended by it. & besides if you cant laugh at yourself then you have no place to laugh at anyone else.
comedians are supposed to make us laugh either everything is hilarious (& it is) or nothing is ok to laugh at.
Ah religion… the root of all evil.
Number 99 is the funniest! :)
wowwwwwww lov u alllll………..
you must be laughing your stupidity people!!how can someone calling God nonsense make you laugh??dont we have limit to our humors?dare not talk about Islam cause we have no room for stupidity.we do isolate them.do i make myself clear?i dont need your nod…
your are fanny but stupid. that is my point.
Are u kidding complaining about the anti-chritian jokes and having “shit” in your signature!!! GET REAL!!! andso
“sometimes religion doesn’t allow people to laugh”
“religion killed people but jokes………NEVER”
I am a Christian but I am not religios, I have an active and living relationship with God, who by the way, has a brilliant sense of humour… He made all of you.
Sorry for the typo… religious is how it’s spelt.lol
Grow your own weed, and plant a man
well its absolutely 100% correct…i was in the food court at the mall the other day and i overheard an older couple thanking god for the thai way food they were about to eat…i thought to myself…god had fuck all to do with it..that man went to work…earned the cash…went to the mall…asian women made the food and served it to him…think about it.
love number 43 by George Carlin, haha.
btw can you please try and paginate this article, even with a fast internet connection my laptop has a hard time with it.
dun talk about something u knew othing about, i'm living in indonesia, the biggest muslim country in the world, and the so many coruptor in my country, even my formen president become the no.i coruptor in the world
What's with all the “…anti-Christian atheist crap?” Truth, that's what. Open your eyes and see that Christianity = the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree…
No one with a modicum of intelligence would actually believe the crap religions present as the unalterable word of god.
Wow i hate how people have to say bad things about our creator… GOD!!! U guys are just biting the hand that feeds u…. u guys are so stupid… WOW!!!! Get a life…. What did God ever do to u guys leave the poor guy alone…. i happen to love God more than anything in this world!!!!
read the bible dude..
The problem with the bible is that it has been written so many times over the course of history to accommodate the religion that wants to be believe in its word, now i'm not saying god doesn't exist but his word has been changed some many times can you really tell me that every version is correct. I believe in GOD and if and when i get my chance to meet my maker that's when i will get the answers to what his true plan was for my life.
no one with a gram of education would read something so blindly as to be ignorant of any form of reason and understanding. for instance amore does not just mean love just as athiest does not just mean immoral.
well i do not believe that the base of what is in todays bibles are wrong but lacking full understanding because not all words are translatable to english. track it back to a broad defining with original language and the overwhelming things of the bible make more sense.
rather lacing in. smart wors does not mean wise ones
Come on. Don't get all offended. There just jokes, and if you don't like them, you shouldn't have read them. And aonther thing, don't go blaming these people for those jokes (The people who comment ) If they think it's funny, IT”S FUNNY TO THEM. Seriously, they did not write the jokes, other people did, so just calm down and laugh a little bit.
Come on. Don't get all offended. There just jokes, and if you don't like them, you shouldn't have read them. And aonther thing, don't go blaming these people for those jokes (The people who comment ) If they think it's funny, IT”S FUNNY TO THEM. Seriously, they did not write the jokes, other people did, so just calm down and laugh a little bit.
this is seriously…………. not funny!
and what are you gonna do with his plan about your life when its already over…. lol
I think the issue is that some people on here are commenting on them. Why do people have a problem with those of us that believe in God and those of us that want to worship him? Those of you that do NOT believe in God..well then that is your right. However, think about this. If us Christians are wrong about God and Heaven and Hell, then we have nothing to fear, but for those of you that DONT believe..if YOU are wrong about what you believe…then..well..You have everything to fear. IT seems to be that there are more people bashing God and Christians nowadays because they feel threatened for some reason and just the mere mention of God's name sends them into a tizzy. -shrugs- Just my observation.
God gave them the ability to make the food. God gave men the intelligence to make it….you get the idea. Would you be saying that if someone was thanking oh i don't know….Buddah for the food they were about to eat..or some other worthless statue?
poop on ur pants
and freakin clean ur keesters after…hell with u all athiests n the reward for all this is gonna be HELL, all u sob’s….why take religion in b|w ur pj’s which u wanna make senseless people laugh…???i don’t find em funny at all,but i happened to bloody go through this crap…