Monthly Archives: December 2010
Why Grown Men Should Never Use Emoticons
Written by rtcrooks
For some people, expressing tone and emotion in their writing is an arduous task. In an age where communication happens at lightening speed, text and instant messaging services have replaced more formal forms of communication. People have become more reliant on shortcuts that allow them to express tone and emotion more effectively. Emoticons, a portmanteau of the English words emotion (or emote) and icon, are the devil behind this unhealthy reliance. Emoticons provide a more straightforward, and simpler process for displaying emotions in writing – but without having to use words.
At some point in life, you are supposed to leave your childish ways behind, and grow into a real man or woman. There is nothing more depressing than watching someone desperately hanging on to their youth. With that said, why are grown men using emoticons? Wearing Converse high tops and talking about how great the new Arcade Fire album gets our seal of approval. Sending an email that reads, “Sorry your investment went belly up this quarter, :(…” does not. Take a hint old man, no one is going to give you a hard time for actually acting your age.
Emoticons Make You Look Like A Teeny Bopper On Myspace
Are you in-between being a child and a teen? If you answer no to this question, there is no need for you to be using emoticons. “Tweens” are all the rage right now. Tween is the new marketing term used to define the demographic roughly between the ages of 8 and 14. They are easily identified as the demographic that goes to a Jonas Brother’s concert and begs their parents to buy them a $40 tour t-shirt, all while spending the entire concert screaming at the top of their lungs. According to Wikipedia, Tweens are the first “highly connected” generation. They were born into technology, and the first generation to have lifelong use of the internet, cell phones, etc. They interact with technology flawlessly; to them its invisible. They see electronic devices as an extension of themselves rather than a medium of communication. It’s almost as if emoticons were created just for them…not for you.
Laziness
/p>
The internet may be the death of grammar among the youth today. Anyone with access to a computer can now start their own blog and unconsciously slaughter the English language. Language changes along with culture. A great example can be seen with the Hippie movement of the 60’s. Their everyday language was filled with expressions such as: Groovy, far out, happening, and dude. But does basic, good grammar really have to disappear from our society? Laziness is a stinky perfume, so spend an extra 30 seconds on your next forum post. Grown men (and women) should not become a catalyst for destroying proper sentence structure, or hitch a ride on the emoticon band wagon.
Emoticons = Bad Business Practice
Bombarding clients and co-workers with playful emoticons at the end of e-mails is not what someone would call, “professional”. Alexis Feldman, the director of the Feldman Realty Group, a commercial real estate company in Manhattan, knows this all too well. More than once she has had a multimillion-dollar deal fall through. She says that she’ll get an e-mail that says, “Sorry, my client is not interested in the space, too bad we couldn’t make the big bucks” with a frown face at the end of it! Sending off a “tough break” e-mail with a frown face emoticon at the end of it does not make someone feel better about losing hundreds of thousands of dollars, in fact it makes you look like a bona fide jerk.
They Alter The Reader’s Perception
When trying to convey a message to another person or audience, there are certain ways to gain credibility. Using emoticons is not one of them. Good grammar, research with credible sources, style, and organization are the arenas that writers should be worried about. Not emoticons of a bunny ( /), or animations of a devilish smiley face. Emoticons add too much playfulness to allow for the author to be taken seriously. But grown men want to be taken seriously, unless they want to date 22 yr old’s who just want to party; for the rest of their life. And if that’s you’re predicament, you’re most likely dealing with much bigger issues than using emoticons.
They’re Meant To Be Used Ironically
The first person documented to have used the emoticons ” đ ” and ” đ ” with a specific suggestion that they be used to express emotion, was Scott Fahlman. Fahlman is a computer scientist at Carnegie Mellon University, and his work has been dedicated to the cascade correlation algorithm, the Dylan programming language, and Common Lisp (We don’t expect you to know what any of this computer jargon specifically relates to. Just know that one day it will lead to artificial intelligence) His original message from 1982 appears below:
19-Sep-82 11:44 Scott E Fahlman đ
From: Scott E Fahlman
I propose that the following character sequence for joke markers:
đ
Read it sideways. Actually, it is probably more economical to mark
things that are NOT jokes, given current trends. For this, use:
đ
Wall Street
Do you want the people handling your investment nest egg using emoticons when they e-mail you about your portfolio?
“We know its been a tough year, but you only lost $15,000 this year : ) Some people lost $35,000 : ( ”
There is something about this type of correspondence that doesn’t sit well with us. Maybe because they’re poking fun at the fact we lost $15,000, and will not be able to send our 18yr old to college this fall. Needless to say, Wall Street and emoticons do not correlate into a winning relationship.
They’re Superfluous Expressions That Highlight Poor Language Skills
If you ever want to be considered a praiseworthy writer, then you need to hone and craft your writing skills. If your words sound harsh when delivered without a wink or a smile, then you need to take an English 101 refresher course at your local community college. If you cannot convey to other internet users — with your words — whether or not your point was friendly or humorous, then take an English 201 course. If you cannot express your point without fancy animated punching smileys or figures that represent Sadaam Hussein, then take an English 301 course. If that still doesn’t work, then just do us all a favor and just give up your writing career.
They Undermine Your Credibility As An Authority Figure
You cruise into the office one morning, sit down at your computer to check your e-mail, and BLAMMO! You instantly realize you forgot to attach a time sensitive document to an e-mail you sent the night before. You suddenly get sick to your stomach. Your boss is going to thrust your neck into a guillotine for this blunder. When you finally work up the nerve to check your inbox you start dying laughing; here is the message from your boss:
“Hi Peter, what were you thinking? đ That document needed to be sent out last night so that our New York office could get started on the project first thing this morning. The East coast guys are so >:( with you right now! You really let us down on this one
Are you really going to take your boss seriously after getting an e-mail like this? We didn’t think so.
Bonus: Mario & Luigi spotted in real life
15 Smartest and Dumbest Presidents of the United States
Written by brainz.org
Universally and instantly recognizable, the President of the United States â the heads of state and government of the worldâs largest superpower, the commanderâin-chief of the US Armed Forces, the omnipotent and oft-termed âLeader of the Free Worldâ â requires no long-winded or flowery introduction. What does require clarification, however, are the notions of âsmartnessâ and âdumbnessâ. What makes someone smart or dumb? Is it their level of education? Their talents? Their actions? Their achievements? Their IQ? Their intellectualism?
Apart from the obvious answer (that it is oneâs ability to ask a string of rhetorical questions) âsmartnessâ is a concept that is open to a range of interpretations, so it is conceded that the assessments made in this article are open to debate. However, to stifle Internet debate (a.k.a. âflame warsâ) this article will not base its assessment on policy decisions made by the respective presidents, and, furthermore, accepts that the act of holding the presidential office in itself demonstrates some inkling of intelligence.
The Smartest
This section of the article deals with the most interesting of the presidents that can be deemed intelligent. Whilst some might bemoan the lack of Obama or Kennedy, who are undeniably intelligent, the presidents here either have madder skillz or achievements that outshine them.
Thomas Jefferson (3rd President, from 1801-1809)
No matter how one interprets âsmartnessâ, Thomas Jefferson would unequivocally qualify. The principal author of The Declaration of Independence, Jeffersonâs talents could constitute a book; the following catalog barely does them justice. During his teenage years at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, VA, Jefferson became incredibly proficient in philosophy, mathematics, history, French, Latin and Greek. âPfft-â, some hipster reader will undoubtedly say, â-Wikipedia knows all of those things- and Jefferson couldnât Wikipedia like I Wikipedia!â In this obtuse and poorly articulated response lies a valid criticism â the ability to merely retain knowledge from books may not constitute smartness. But Jefferson was more than just book-smart: a polymath â which is a person distinguished in many varied fields, and not an obnoxious exponential equation â he was also an accomplished archeologist, author, inventor, lawyer, musician (talented in the cello, clavichord and violin) ornithologist, paleontologist, poet and speechmaker. And before you interrupt with some obscure insult, hipster, his architectural and horticultural prowess was such that he designed the University of Virginia (which he himself founded) and the Poplar Forest. This ridonkulous amount of talent was recognized by later president John F. Kennedy when he addressed 49 Nobel Laureates, âI think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House â with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”
John Adams (2nd President, from 1797-1801)
Another Founding Father was John Adams, whose dinners with Jefferson (amongst others) resulted in the American Declaration of Independence, the screenplay to the 1996 blockbuster smash hit starring Will Smith, the document where the American colonies announced and justified their secession from the British Empire. With his polymathic fingers in every pie, it is unsurprising that it was Jeffersonâs hand that predominantly penned the Declaration, but it was John Adams who championed it in Congressional debates. Adamsâ oratory was so dedicated and effective that Jefferson wrote in a letter , âNo man better merited, than Mr. John Adams to hold a most conspicuous place in the design. He was the pillar of itâs [sic] support on the floor of Congress, itâs [sic] ablest advocate and defender against the multifarious assaults it encountered.â
James Madison (4th President, from 1809-1817)
Often included with the Declaration of Independence, in terms of historical and societal significance, are The Constitution and The Bill of Rights. Another close friend of Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, was largely responsible for these two fundamental documents. He was a major proponent behind the drafting and ratification of The Constitution, and he codified Jeffersonâs belief of the primacy of liberty by tabling The Bill of Rights before Congress. Similar to Jefferson, he was broadly educated from a young age, learning Latin, Greek, French, Italian, Spanish as well as mathematics, history and science. In 1769, he continued his tertiary education at the College of New Jersey (which was later to become Princeton), and his study of the philosophies of Aristotle and John Locke no doubt shaped his thoughts on constitutionalism and liberty. Despite slight dabbling in law, he never made the bar, which makes his drafting of the two most fundamental legal instruments even more noteworthy. As a result of his education and his contributions to the legal sphere, James Madison was ranked as the second most intelligent president in a study conducted by political scholars at the Siena Institute (Jefferson obviously came first).
Thomas Woodrow Wilson (28th President, from 1913-1921)
Exactly 110 years after James Madison first set foot in the hallowed halls of the College of New Jersey, a young man named Woodrow Wilson graduated from there. This same man would return a few short years later, in 1890, to join the professorial faculty and shortly after that, in 1902, assume the position of President of Princeton. He must have liked the title âPresidentâ, for in 1912 he stood and won the presidential election. Wilson remains the most academically qualified president, being the only one thus far to receive a doctorate. His 1885 PhD treatise titled, “Congressional Government: A Study in American Politics” no doubt prepared him well for his life in politics, and in 1919, Woodrow Wilson was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his leadership during World War I. It therefore seemsâŚ(puts on sunglasses)âŚthat WWI really needed its WW. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Theodore Roosevelt (26th President, from 1901-1909)
Woodrow Wilsonâs ascendancy to the presidential office was as a result of his rivals William Taft and Theodore Roosevelt splitting the Republican vote . Similar to Wilson, Roosevelt, after whom the teddy bear is named, was also a published academic, writing several acclaimed histories. He was also a keen hunter and naturalist, journeying to Africa and South America where he stuffed and mounted many queer beasts (taxidermically speaking, ye of dirty mind). Rooseveltâs interests stemmed from his primary homeschooling, which resulted in a strange and varied academic aptitude: he was strong in history and biology, French and German, but not in mathematics, Latin or Greek. Apart from these academic qualities, Roosevelt had an incredible mind: he was said to have an eidetic (photographic) memory and could memorize entire books. He had a phenomenal ability to carry out several tasks at once, apparently able to dictate a letter to one secretary, a memorandum to another, and casually read a book, all simultaneously.
James Garfield(20th President, from March- September 1881)
Another president with talents so phenomenal that they are barely credible is James Garfield. He was not only the first ambidextrous president, but also multi-lingual: unlike Roosevelt, he excelled at Greek and Latin. That in itself is nothing to crow about â all the other presidents previously mentioned were proficient in multiple languages â but what was incredible was that he could write in both languages simultaneously â Greek with one hand and Latin with the other! Garfieldâs freakishly awesome talent can only be described as pen-omenal.
The Hybrids
As raised before, the notion of smartness is very subjective; depending on which criterion one uses, one can reach very different assessments. This section considers presidents who exhibited both smartness and dumbness depending on different criteria.
Richard Nixon (37th President, from 1969-1974)
If one uses the Intelligence Quotient test as a determinant of smartness, then Richard Nixon is the smartest , with his IQ of 143 least ability to avoid making crucial mistakes. This is finding was evidenced by Nixon being the only president forced to resign from office.
Bill Clinton (42nd President, from 1993-2001)
Another president whose scandalous actions lead to their public humiliation was Bill Clinton, whose affair with Monica Lewinski and later perjury about the matter rocked, shocked and rolled the country. Whilst Clinton finished his term with the highest approval rating of any president since Eisenhower, it was put forward that the scandal derailed the election campaign of Al Gore, and in any case, the perjury resulted in the revocation of his license to practice law in Arkansas. However, whilst the affair may have been a dumb decision, or as Clinton describes it, âa terrible moral errorâ, Clinton is anything but dumb, when one considers his education. The recipient of many scholarships, the most prestigious being Oxford Universityâs Rhodes Scholarship, Clinton is an alumnus of the august Georgetown, Oxford and Yale universities. He graduated from the latter with a Juris Doctorate, and assumed a professorial role at the University of Arkansas before entering politics.
Abraham Lincoln (16th President, from 1861-1865)
Unlike Bill Clinton, Abraham Lincoln had very little schooling â only having formal tuition for 18 months. By this criterion, one might judge him as dumb, but that would be jumping the gun. An avid reader, Lincoln educated himself, a process that he described as âstud[ying]with nobody.â Through his study, he managed to master law and was admitted to the bar in 1837. Giant in stature, he became a giant in statute: he soon developed a reputation for being a ferocious and formidable cross-examiner. This legal success indicates a man of prodigious natural talent, and it is arguable whether this makes him smarter than one who is formally taught. What may further inform oneâs view on the matter is that Lincoln is the only president to have registered a patent: a buoyancy device to right ships in rough weather.
The Dumbest
This is the section you have no doubt been waiting for – the one that deals with the comparatively less talented presidents. Like tequila shots, the judgments proclaimed in this section should be enjoyed liberally and with a pinch of salt â and one should savor, rather than revile, the burn and the acerbity.
Warren G. Harding (29th President, from 1921-1923)
Perhaps not a household name, Warren Harding is the worst of the first men; he has the ignominy of being ranked Americaâs least intelligent president. Although the Siena study does not specify how it reaches its conclusions, a consideration of Hardingâs conduct during his term yields much insight into this Nein-stein. His presidential term was rocked by scandals greater than either Lewinsky or Watergate: nepotism ran free and many of his friends thus appointed (known as âThe Ohio Gangâ) were involved in bribery and embezzlement scandals. Although the White House was not subject to the same scrutiny and transparency of today, the shady dealings were so brazen and gormless that they quickly came to light. However, the only thing dumber than these peccadilloes (and itâs not his middle name, Gamaliel) is Hardingâs barely hidden consumption of alcohol at private parties in the White House. Why is this dumb? Well, Hardingâs presidency coincided with the Prohibition. Also, being apparently handsome, Harding was nominated to try to secure the vote of women in the 1920 election (the first time women voted in America). When it became apparent that his wife was treated as a waitress at these parties, and that he engaged in multiple extra-marital affairs, he disenfranchised and isolated his key demographic.
Calvin Coolidge (30th President, from 1923-1929)
With the sudden death of Harding in 1923, his Vice-President Calvin Coolidge ascended to the presidency. Despite such insightful statements as, âWhen a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment resultsâ, Coolidge qualifies as one of the dumbest presidents in a very different capacity: although well educated, Coolidge was a shy and taciturn president, and in this sense could be considered the dumbest of all. There are many anecdotes that are testament to his silent nature, the best of which being an exchange between him and a Washington socialite. The socialite said that she had bet her friends that she could extract three words from him; Calvin replied coolly, âYou lose.â
Ronald Reagan (40th President, from 1981-1989)
Ronald Reagan had the complete opposite personality to the reserved Coolidge. A jovial, showy celebrity, Reagan acted in well over fifty films before entering politics. However, he features in this section for more conventional reasons than Coolidge â he demonstrated none of the characteristics that are traditionally ascribed to smartness. Talented neither academically nor musically, his spheres were the dramatic and the athletic. He could not be considered an intellectual, nor an author of any merit (his diaries, although wildly popular, are neither literary nor academic) and his only invention was this side-splittingly savage satirical joke. The most convincing evidence of Reaganâs dumbness ironically comes from the words of his supporters. Wrote Martin Anderson, one of Reaganâs longstanding advisors, âhis drafts contain thousands of facts and figures. Sometimes he lists his sources in accompanying documents. In one case, for an essay on oil, he appended them. At times he cites his sources in the text.â Great Scott! The man used facts and citations: that should wipe the disbelieving smile off Doctor Emmett Brownâs face.
Andrew Johnson(17th President, from 1865-1869)
Andrew Johnson became president after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and though those were both literally and metaphorically large shoes to fill, he did a particularly poor job of it: the Siena study ranks him as the third dumbest and all time worst president. Like Lincoln, he had no formal education, and like Reagan, his vocation (a tailor) is not one that is traditionally associated with smartness. Unlike either of them, he had no redeeming characteristics. Despite supporting Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War, he was the Southâs most dogmatic and most bigoted proponent of slavery. Whether or not he was aware of the inherent contradiction, there was an ulterior motive for this union: the devious Johnson was trying to worm his way into the Oval Office (nothing to see here, ye dirty minds, move along). This motive was realized when he was announced as Vice-President in Lincolnâs successful 1864 presidential campaign. However, in dumbness par excellence, he appeared at the inauguration drunk, and his inaugural speech was cut short after he made abusive and inappropriate comments. His later presidency fared little better – stubborn and uncompromising, he alienated both parties and was eventually impeached.
Gerald Ford (38th President, from 1974-1977)
A Yale Law School graduate, Gerald Ford was also an accomplished football player. Unfortunately, his smartness is closer to that of a jock than a judge. This was noted by his rival Lyndon B. Johnson, who accused him of âplaying too much football without a helmetâ and claimed, “Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” Moreover, it has been suggested that Fordâs honesty, in contrast to the Agnew-Nixon lack of integrity, made him the ideal presidential candidate. Perhaps, but it also makes him an ideal candidate for this section. An honest politician? Thatâs either plain naĂŻve or an elaborate Cretan paradox. And for those unconvinced by this watertight line of argumentation, consider some of Fordâs words of wisdom: âIf Lincoln were alive today, heâd roll over in his graveâ, and, âI watch a lot of baseball on the radio.â
George W. Bush (42nd President, from 2001-2009)
Of course we saved the best for last. It isnât really necessary to justify Dubyaâs appearance in this section âand nor do we have the space â but itâs good fun to reminisce nostalgically over his well documented failings. Like Ford, Bush graduated from Yale (although he only managed a C-grade average ) and also like Ford, perplexing, contradictory or painfully banal self-evident observations (yep, they are a real pain in the ass) emerge, unchecked, from his mouth. But unlike Ford, the sheer rate and frequency of these mistakes were so incredible that recording them went beyond cheap political points-scoring: they demanded cataloging for posterityâs sake, lest future generations forget or disbelieve their existence. A neologism had to be coined to describe them, and so âBushismâ entered the American vernacular. The Complete Bushisms, all 13 pages of them, are available here. As a result, the Siena study found him to be the second dumbest president of all time. And perhaps worse still, not even Google can save him from being considered just a tad slimy.
Bonus: Confucius Say…
