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Bonus: Daniele De Rossi

Written by Mad Dog and Glory

The noise making machine that has multi purpose powers.

The vexed subject of the Vuvuzela has been the subject of a great deal of debate and it seems that whilst some can’t get enough of the ‘instrument’ and the wasp like noise it emits there are others who have just about had enough of the damn thing, and would probably resort to criminal acts on those who opt to use them for entire matches.

This led us to come to some sort of compromise on the whole issue and that was to come up with ten other ways to use the Vuvuzela that would perhaps me amenable to all concerned. Oh yes, and we also thought it would be a good chance to try and be amusing (have we failed, probably).

Flowerpot

Thats right, in many ways the shape of the stadium horn would make it an idea potting device. Ideal for long stemmed plants such as tulips or even roses it could well be a secondary use that would help everyone in the garden.

Fake leg for a Long John Silver Fancy Dress Party

We’ve all been there. Arrived at an impromptu fancy dress party only to find that you’ve not got a fake leg for the Pirate themed celebration. Worry no more, that Vuvuzela you have in your possession can simply be upturned and placed below your knee and hey presto, job done. You’ll be the toast of the party and you’ll probably be very popular with the opposite sex.

Spare Table Leg

The next time you arrange an important dinner party but realise that your entertaining table is missing a table leg, you need not worry because you already have a ready made implement perfect for the job. Alternatively if you have an important dinner party and you have no table at all then all you need is four vuvuzelas and something with a smooth flat surface to place on top, perhaps Paris Hilton?

Baseball Bat

A good way to help spread the love of the Vuvuzela to other sports. Though made chiefly of plastic there are bound to be metal or wooden versions of the instrument available which could then handily be used as a baseball bat. Alternatively they can be used to attack those who play the damned things in a manner one might use a baseball bat to exert violence on one and other.

Drinking Implement

Surely this has already been in operation in bars and pubs across the world. The Vuvuzela is an ideal way to put the instrument to good use. Simply ask a friend to poor copious amounts of alcoholic liquid (Tequila perhaps) in the funnel end and you just position yourself below the thin (blowing) end and enjoy!

An Old Fashioned Hearing Aid

How ironic that a device that blares out at 130 decibels can actually be used by those deafened by its use to help restore their hearing?

An Extra Arm Extension

There are so many occasions when things are just slightly out of reach either due to one’s own height or laziness. The next time you can’t quite reach the remote control but wish to change channels or perhaps you simply want to turn off the television all together due to irritating din, then you have the handy tool to do so right there in your hand!

Telescope

Yes admittedly it would be the worst ever telescope ever invented but that no one else needs to know its not working. All you need to do is aim the Vuvuzela into the night sky and make intelligent references to seeing “Saturn’s third ring resplendent with inert gases” and hope that no one realises you are in fact pointing a plastic instrument skywards that has no magnifying capabilities whatsoever.

Blow Dart for use in Political Assassinations

Imagine it if you will. You have been employed by the Soviet Secret Services in the late 1970s and you’ve been employed to deal with a potential defector. You’ve brought you blow darts but you realise at the last moment you’ve left your blow dart apparatus on the train from Vladivostok but that’s not problem because you’ve got your trusty Vuvuzela. One word of warning do not accidentally blow to hard as the noise that follows may well alert said defector and then he may make a run for it.

Deafening Machine

Why not use the Vuvuzela for its seemingly most natural function? It makes a noise that is known to result in the melting of the brain and hearing passages around it so why doesn’t a major nation design a military capability for its horrifying abilities? What is needed is a ’super-vuvuzela’ that is approximately the size of an Elephant which can then be marched onto the battle field and then played whilst the enemy advances. The results will render your opposition powerless.

Bonus: You Will Never Experience Happiness Like This

Written by Gary Gon

Starting a new business can be a turbulent undertaking. For one thing, there are no guarantees of success. Businesses fail every single day, and plenty of entrepreneurs come away with nothing to show for months or years of hard-fought effort. The idea of sacrificing a steady salary for an uncertain, hoped-for payday also tends to provoke anxiety.

While some are undeterred by these obstacles, others opt to play it safe and scrap their business plans altogether. Below are six of the most prevailing reasons why people are afraid to start businesses (and whether they make sense.)

1. The Economy

Some of the most common fears about starting businesses relate to how “the economy” is doing. If the economy is in a lull, many would be entrepreneurs assume that now must necessarily be the wrong time to get started. This belief is reinforced by nay-saying politicians and journalists who exaggerate even the very worst economic news.

Remember, though, that there is no single entity called “the economy.” What is loosely referred to as the economy is really just the vast, interconnected web of buyers and sellers accommodating each other through the market and price system. Moreover, there are two sides to every transaction. While some sectors of the economy may be hurting (such as finance and housing today), those on the other side of the affected transaction (like foreclosure specialists and storage facilities) could be thriving.

2. Uncertainty

Another fear that stops entrepreneurs from getting started is the uncertainty inherent in owning a business. Unlike a salaried job, business ownership provides no immediate or guaranteed pay. Income, if any, is commensurate with the company’s sales or profits. If you have grown accustomed to being paid on a regular schedule regardless of outcome, trading that in for the uncertainty of business ownership can feel like a leap of faith. It is entirely legitimate to wonder if your business will be capable of providing for you or your family.

That said, there is a flip side to the uncertainty. If and when your business does produce an income, no boss or employer can take it away. Never again will you have to plead for a raise or demonstrate why you “deserve” more. In business, your income is entirely determined by what you produce and/or sell.

3. Indecision

Others have reservations because they are undecided about what type of business to start. More often than not, these are people who know they want to be self-employed, but not in what capacity. This, too, can be a legitimate fear to have. If you currently work in a steady career, it is not enough to simply “go into business.” In order to credibly go off on your own, you must be confident about what kind of business you will open. You must also have the skills and expertise to succeed in that business.

Current or previous jobs are a good reference point. If you currently work for an accounting firm, starting your own is perfectly reasonable. Deciding to abruptly change course and buy an Alaskan crab fishing boat might warrant more scrutiny.

4. Debt

Debt can constitute a serious obstacle to entrepreneurship. If you are saddled with student loans or credit card bills, it will be difficult to obtain any start-up financing you might need. In severe instances (such as if your wages are being garnished), any income your business produces will go directly to your creditors anyway.

Needless to say, concern about your pre-existing debt is a completely defensible reason to fear starting a business. Rather than trying to juggle both at once, focus squarely on repaying all of your debts first. Once your financial slate is wiped clean, you can move on to business ownership with a clear mind.

5. Family Obligations

Financial concerns are not the only reason people fear starting businesses. The early years of a new company can be incredibly taxing, and some fear having little time to spend with their families. After all, everyone gets the same 24 hours in a day. There is only so much of yourself to go around, and if you’re putting in ten or twelve hour days at work, there is no way to also spend that time at home. (Unless you have a home office, that is.)

It may truthfully be that family time is a deal-breaker for you. On the other hand, don’t be too quick to relinquish your ambitions. Discuss with your spouse whether arrangements or sacrifices can be made for the early days of your company.

6. No Benefits

Finally, other would-be entrepreneurs worry about what losing benefits, such as employer-provided health insurance or 401(k) contributions, will do to their overall finances. This, too, is a serious concern worth addressing. Perhaps you or a family member has a long-standing health condition. In such a scenario, a sudden lack of coverage could prove devastating.

Not every situation is so dire, however. Retirement accounts (including IRAs, Solo 401(k)s and self-employed pensions) can be opened and funded on your own without the help of any employer. It may also be possible to form a pool with other entrepreneurs and buy health insurance at lower group rates, which is essentially how large employers buy it.

Bonus: WTF? Adorable Kitten Adorably Attacks Himself