{"id":1303,"date":"2009-12-04T10:30:05","date_gmt":"2009-12-04T17:30:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bspcn.com\/?p=1303"},"modified":"2009-12-12T20:09:17","modified_gmt":"2009-12-13T03:09:17","slug":"6-places-you-should-not-attempt-to-have-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2009\/12\/04\/6-places-you-should-not-attempt-to-have-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Places You Should Not Attempt to Have Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"

Written by\u00a0Toyama<\/a><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been there, the sore knees or dirty looks the next morning. At the time you thought it was a good idea. When the passion (or moral disregard) sweeps you up and you end up having sex somewhere you probably shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong, if I can get my \u201cp\u201d in a \u201cv\u201d, I\u2019ll try basically anything that comes to mind, but there are certainly more desirable ways to do it than others. I\u2019m going to take a look at the others\u2026<\/p>\n

I think I\u2019ll do these in chronological order, as it\u2019s probably funnier if you learn with me. The first time I had sex out of a bed it was an attempt on a black leather loveseat in my mom\u2019s basement. Granted, the couch had absolutely no padding and was wrought with hard wood (pun intended, score) digging into us at all different angles, but the simple fact is that there is no way the both of you can get this done on a love-seat if you\u2019re not experienced. I\u2019ve watched a lot of porn and thought I worked well from example but that is simply not the case. I definitely could have passed a written test but when put into practice I failed miserably. You can\u2019t go missionary as the couch is too short and there\u2019s really nothing for you to get a good hold on and provide some serious thrusting action. The only thing that did kind of work to get one member in the other was me just sitting on the couch and her cowgirling me. Plus, all that butt sweat on the couch still freaks me out to this day. There wasn\u2019t much thrusting action as we both kind of just sat there but her knees were killing her and we eventually moved to the carpet.<\/p>\n

Which is also a terrible place to have sex. This is what the term rug burn was invented for. In a regular missionary, your knees are going to get dominated and the entire back of her body will be burning within two minutes. And not because of the Chlamydia you just gave her either. You can try every single position in the Kama Sutra but no matter how you slice it, somebody is going to have rug burn to the point of bleeding when it\u2019s all over.<\/p>\n

\"kitchen-sex\"<\/p>\n

(Image Source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

The kitchen is in my opinion one of the hottest places to have sex. It just screams of \u201cwe shouldn\u2019t be doing it here but we can\u2019t really wait to get to the bedroom\u201d. I\u2019ve attempted counter-tops, bar stools and the kitchen table, and seen some pretty impressive work in videos too, but you should by no means drop to the tile. Tile is so painful to attempt to have sex on that I\u2019ve never even made it past ten seconds. There\u2019s that little point right below your kneecap, where your tibia ends, that your entire weight of your body is pressing on. Your knee will begin to hurt within seconds and I might say that this is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. If you absolutely must do it on the kitchen floor, I would suggest taping some potholders to your knees to minimize injury and bruising.<\/p>\n

Which brings me to my next point. They\u2019re called hardwood floors<\/a> for a reason people. I know they look like they want you to root a special friend on them, but do yourself a favor, throw down a lambskin rug or something. Getting down in front of the fireplace on the hardwood floors<\/a> does sound incredibly manly but, like the kitchen tiles, there will be bruising and any time you try to jockey some position that is functional in sex in any way, your knees will hurt like nothing else. If you can manage to get yourself a dead animal to have sex on, then by all means lay that rug out on the hardwood and let her rip. There\u2019s really nothing like the feel of a lambskin rug on your back when your p\u2019s in a v. Don\u2019t forget to share the wealth though. You have to let her on her back and you do some of the work too. We are all equals now.<\/p>\n

\"hardwood-floor-sex\"<\/p>\n

(Image Source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

When I was growing up, I couldn\u2019t afford to move out until I was twenty so I got to have sex numerous times in my Volvo. Granted, I had some of the best times of my life under bridges in that piece of shit car but I also learned some serious lessons. The driver\u2019s seat of a 1985 240DL does not go back far enough to make sex possible. Well, technically, I guess possible, but still, not really all that fun. And fun is what it should be all about. Let\u2019s look at this from a mechanical point of view: The man will have to be on the bottom here, there\u2019s just no way she\u2019s gonna be sitting down and you could fire your unit down into her lap. No, I just don\u2019t think so. Anyways, once we\u2019ve got the girl in the boy\u2019s lap, put the seat back all the way and unless you\u2019re boning Kate Moss, her ass is going to be rubbing your steering wheel something fierce. Probably okay for you (until you want to drive back) but a pain in the ass for her (again, that pun was intended). Quit being a lazy ass and get her into the back seat. I have accomplished some amazing things in the back seat of that Volvo and you\u2019ll be surprised just how much is possible. You\u2019ll want to put both seats as far forward as they go and you\u2019ll be pumped you didn\u2019t spend all that money on a motel. A car is a great place to get laid if you can\u2019t do it at home, but do yourself a favor and don\u2019t even try it in the front seat.<\/p>\n

\"volvo-sex\"<\/p>\n

(Image Source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

What is with you people that insist on having sex in public washrooms? I mean, first of all, that\u2019s just nasty, people fecalate in there. My buddies have told me stories of getting laid in stalls. I don\u2019t understand who is bashful enough to hide in the stall, but not self conscious enough to do it in a public washroom. You really think nobody knows what\u2019s going on in there? Nasty. I guess it would be possible to bend her over the bowl and nail her from behind but then she has basically got her face in the toilet and you\u2019re the jock giving her the swirly. The only other arrangement that makes any sense to me is having her sitting on the seat as if she\u2019s deucing. Again, this is just gross but the public toilets that lack that front part of the seat might add a couple extra much needed inches of maneuvering space. I figure you\u2019d have to be really comfortable with your balls repeatedly hitting porcelain. You will never catch me nailing some chick in a bathroom stall. If I\u2019m ready enough to nail a chick in a public washroom, it\u2019s going to be on the counter right next to the sink and soap. I\u2019ve seen some incredible work done in videos having the chick sit up on a countertop. I\u2019ve even done it myself in my own bathroom, but it was awesome height placement. Everybody was happy, especially me.<\/p>\n

\"pubwashroom\"<\/p>\n

(Image Source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

In conclusion, public washroom stalls are the most uncomfortable place to have sex, not physically, but mentally. I\u2019ve done it in a few places out of a bed but there\u2019s just no way I could get any work done in a bathroom stall. The idea that people could walk in and mock my lackluster technique would bother me way too much. Plus it\u2019s just disgusting.<\/p>\n

Bonus:\u00a0 Just Do It<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Written by\u00a0Toyama We\u2019ve all been there, the sore knees or dirty looks the next morning. At the time you thought it was a good idea. When the passion (or moral disregard) sweeps you up and you end up having sex somewhere you probably shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong, if I can get my \u201cp\u201d in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1303"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1303"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1303\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1305,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1303\/revisions\/1305"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}