Written by stephaniem
Tis’ the season to be stressed out because you have absolutely no idea what gift to get that special lady friend, but I’m here to help. I am an expert in getting horrendous gifts and completely freaking out on the inconsiderate jerkbag that decided a Sham Wow was the way to go this Christmas.
I have compiled a list to assist! Below you will find the top things to ensure you have a happy, knife-wound free holiday with that special bitch in your life. Take note guys, these will save you a trip to the emergency room and/or divorce court. Share!
10. Any Special / On Sale Jewelry
Please for the love of all that is good and fashionable…stop buying heart-shaped pendants with matching earrings and bracelets, fellas. I know the abundance of lame jewelry store ads make cheap, bad necklaces seem like the right thing to do, but…it isn’t. How about you try planning for Christmas before December 24th, save your dough and buy her something she deserves and not from some mall jeweler that believes rings shaped like two hearts hugging are in fashion.
Women don’t care about the latest and greatest from technerds.com — we understand you guys want your iTouch, iPhones and iPads, but giving us electronics is a ginormous iFuckingLoatheYou right to the face. We don’t care if our television is LCD or if we have a blue tooth for our drive home. We know it’s for you anyway and honestly, most of us don’t even know what any of that electronic crap does. We want pretty, nice things, not something that will distract you from sexing us up later or doing the laundry. Stop being so selfish, asshole.
8. Kitchen Supplies
I swear to Jesus if you don’t know the non-kitchen supply rule by now, you deserve to be cheated on. The last thing your woman wants to open up on Christmas morning is a reminder of the huge meal she has to prepare all by herself (mainly because your lazy ass is already drunk on eggnog) and no device you buy her from Williams-Sonoma is going to make her personal hell any easier to swallow. Maybe you should stick a bottle of vodka in her stocking so she can forget what a fucktarded cockbag she married.
You don’t know our size and you sure as hell don’t know what looks good on us. I understand that nothing turns you guys on more than some lacy, red thing you see in the window of your local Frederick’s shop, but trust me, guys, bad move. I’m okay with dressing up like a skank for my man, but some women find it demeaning (uptight bitches); I don’t know if a conversation about how the only reason you bought her this slutty outfit is because you’re addicted to porn is one best served chilly and in front of the Christmas tree.
6. Exercise Equipment
I don’t care if your chunkalicious wife keeps mentioning how bad she wants to get in shape and she needs a treadmill – she will hate you forever if you stick that baby under the tree. It’s one thing to encourage her big booty to get to the gym and work off her “baby weight” (even though your kids are in college), but it’s another to stick something under the tree that screams “I agree, Biggie! You need to slim that fat ass down!” Plus, you know she won’t use it, it will collect dust and will just cause fights about how tired she is and how you don’t help out when you bring up that she doesn’t use it anymore.
5. Car Related Items
GP…what? I have no sense of direction, but I don’t give a damn if I’m late and/or if my boyfriend gets upset. Buying her anything for her car isn’t for her…it’s for you. She doesn’t care that her car is messy. She doesn’t use that sunshield thingy you bought her for Valentine’s Day and she certainly won’t use one of those snow brush devices to scrape off ice because she will lose it in the mess of her car and just end up scraping her windows with a credit card like she’s done since she was 16.
4. Beauty Supplies
I know you guys see the piles and piles of anti-aging cream and exfoliating scrubs in the bathroom, but resist the urge to participate. If we unwrap anything that even indicates we look older than 30 you will get a death stare followed by a flood of tears and the ever-so-popular “No, I love it, honey. Thanks. Sniffle.” Buy her a gift certificate to a spa or Sephora. Don’t try to be a plastic surgeon.
3. A Stripper Pole
This has happened. My friend took a stripper class to get into shape and her husband shoved a pole under the tree the next year. WE AREN’T GOING TO THOSE CLASSES FOR YOU, DUMB ASS. I know you’re just dying to see what we are up to and you wanna see your lady’s new-found talents, but installing one of these in your house will only ensure your disappointment when you realize she sucks. Plus she will have all the ammo she needs to start accusing you of going to strip clubs all the time and not being happy with the “real” woman in your life.
2. Anything from Walgreens
I don’t care if it’s candy, stuffed animals or candles. We will know. That place has a distinct, weird smell and the second we open that wrapping paper it will waft out. Plus, most everything there is crap and literally has “As Seen on TV” on the box. Again, I don’t care if they are the only store open on Christmas Eve; plan better, idiot.
1. Pictures of Yourself
I get that you are trying to be romantic here, but if we want to show your grubby mug in our office, we will snap a pic, print it out and frame it. This gift screams cheap and insecure. Are you that narcissistic to go through the pictures, find the one that you look the most handsome in and then give it to your sweetie? If so, how about you buy her a camera and you get some therapy, egomaniac.