Written by Tim Daffodil
The 25th of May marks Towel Day across the Universe, and as all good hitchhikers will know, “A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.”
Towel Day is in honour of the late great Douglas Adams, who will forever be remembered for creating the greatest tome of space travel ever written: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Please join the great Towel Day celebrations with Facebook shares and tweeting about #towelday.
How useful can a towel really be? I hear you cry. Well the Hitchhiker’s Guide gives us nine top uses for towels (the first nine in this list), but there are many many more. In prime hitchhiker tradition here are the top 42 ways to use a towel.
42 Useful Things to Do With a Towel
1. Wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta.
2. Lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours.
3. Sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon.
4. Use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth.
5. Wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat.
6. Wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes.
7. Avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you).
8. Wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal.
9. Dry yourself off with it.
10. Attach it to a pole to make your very own flag – preferably with the “Don’t Panic” slogan.
11. Stuff your ears with it to block out the sound of Kria poetry (the second worst poetry in the Universe).
12. Set up the perfect foil to cover a towel sized hole to capture enemies.
13. Wear it as a majestic superhero cape.
14. Horde your precious Altairian dollars using your towel as a makeshift moneybag.
15. Wave it around madly like a Matador to confound intergalactic beasts.
16. Cover your modesty.
17. Fold it into a comfy pillow – easier to hold onto than the flying pillows of Squornshellous Delta.
18. Carefully wrap around a stick, dunk in flammable liquid and use as a fire torch.
19. Remove hot dishes from the oven in the absence of oven gloves.
20. Use it to support you weight as you slide down a massive zip line shouting “Cowabunga”.
21. Swat flies and other irritating space gnats that come too close.
22. Cover the solar panel of droid robots, therefore rendering them useless.
23. Catch planetary aquatic life forms in a rudimentary fishing net on Frogstar World C .
24. Roll it into a ball and stuff it down the back of your shirt to imitate a hump.
25. Soak in Algolian Claret or another alcoholic tipple of your choice as a liquid sponge.
26. Blindfold yourself with it to avoid the unimaginable horrors of the Total Perspective Vortex.
27. Use it as a sun shade from the hot rays of Ursa Minor Beta.
28. Knot it together on a stick to make a haversack.
29. Apply to bleeding wounds as a field dressing.
30. Block drafts from the door on cold planets like Epun.
31. Drape it over your porthole on a spaceship as a curtain.
32. Combine with other hitchhikers’ towels to create a giant patchwork towel quilt.
33. Make a furry sack for Christmas presents.
34. Bind particularly weak and effeminate alien prisoners in the absence of handcuffs.
35. Wrap precious cargo such as the highly sought after Antarean parakeet glands for galaxy cocktails.
36. Stuff into the gob of an annoying loudmouth who will not shut up.
37. Whip lazy beasts that travel too slowly for your liking.
38. Open up your towel into a parachute on low-gravity planets.
39. Keep it across your face to ward off the dust and sand blizzards of Dangrabad Beta.
40. A knotted towel can be used as a short but effective climbing rope.
41. Tie neatly around your head to create a towel Turban.
42. Create a grand tent for a travelling Intergalactic Flea Circus.
