Written by holytaco

Mother’s Day is on Sunday, and that means that you’ll be talking to your mom. Whether it’s on the phone or over brunch at the local Old People’s Restaurant, you’ll have to pass yourself off as a respectable human being for a little while. The only way you’re going to be able to pull that off is if you can avoid these 10 phrases at all costs:

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: You can casually hit your mom up for $20 on a normal day, but on Mother’s Day you’re supposed to be focusing on her. If you really need $20 from your mom, you have to make it sound like it’s so important that it couldn’t wait until after her special day. Ask for $2,000 instead.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: Moms are old ladies. Everyone knows that, but you can’t tell them that. This is the one day of the year that you have to lie to your mom to make her feel good about herself.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: Moms don’t like Predator. She’s also going to think you’re an idiot for buying the box set, because only the first Predator is any good. The rest are just dog shit. Would you be proud of a child who paid for dog shit?

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: Save that one for Father’s Day. It’ll have more impact.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: Only a complete idiot would ever call his mom without first checking the date to make sure she can’t spring something unexpected on you, but if you find yourself in this situation, just use the three most useful all-purpose words you’ll ever encounter: “I’m just kidding!”

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: It’s never wrong to say this to anyone, but just try to bite your tongue today.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: If you need to say this on Mother’s Day, you should not be at your Mom’s house right now. Hit the road, find a safe house, and stay low for a while.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: Wii Fit is a great present for Mother’s Day, but for the love of God do NOT tell her that it’s because people are starting to stare at her fat ass everytime she goes back to the breakfast buffet for seconds.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: It makes your mom sound old, but it’s also kind of sounds like you’re calling her hot at the same time. Overall, it’s a weird thing to say to your mom. In fact, don’t ever say this to anyone. Ever.

Why You Shouldn’t Say It: WARNING: Meatspin is not for Moms!

Bonus!  If Men Wrote Mother’s Day Cards

(By Ben Dahl)

Hallmark cards have become a necessity for practically every occasion that involves a woman, but no “holiday” ranks higher on that list than Mother’s Day. At least with Valentine’s Day and your anniversary you only have to buy a card for one person (in most states). Mother’s Day is the special horrifyingly painful exception to the one card rule because you have to get one for your mom, your wife, your baby-momma, your grandma, your daughter – the list is practically endless.

If it has a vagina and it’s over the age of 25 (this is one time we’ll be conservative) then it’s getting a Mother’s Day card. Ladies, we love you – enough to tell you the truth.